Getting In Shape

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Wayward Son

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Dear Diary:

For my [sixty- ~~~ fill in the blank] birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give
it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!
She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine --which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that [beeep] Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheer leading b@#$%. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *X&%#X#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the other b@#$%), will choose a gift for me that is fun--like a root canal or a vasectomy.

Casey Land
 
:rofl3: :D :rofl3: :D :rofl3:


That's hilarious! I would imagine you signed up for the full year????
 
hysterical.

You have been holding out on us.

I woke JB up to make him read it.
 
*oh my God....* I'm breathless from laughing........
this is absolutely hysterical. I could hardly keep reading after the toothbrush incident... :rofl3:

I'm sending this to my father...

R..
 
I love that one everytime I read it =P
 
:rofl3:!!

Wayward...you bring back memories of when i first started to send my hubby to a (male) trainer!

he came home... barely able to make it up the 3 stairs to our front door, begged me to open the door to save his arms from having to move and said that he hated me :D

as i purchased my hubby a 10-pack fitness sessions anytime he got cheeky with me i would just look at him and say '10 more please'.... meaning i just bought him 10 more sessions :D btw, that was 2 years ago and he still going

thanks for the laugh! very funny
 
I so love reading this! Tried to get the 15 year old to read it, but he didn't get it...he doesn't understand why one would purposefully work out, either!

If anyone EVER gets me a gym membership...I will never speak to them again!

:rofl3: :rofl3: :rofl3:
 
For your wife's birthday, think about Lars. ---- But get her Belinda also. That way even Monday will sux.
 
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