... walks into a pub... jokes

[Ian Wigg]

Shakespeare walks into a pub,
The landlord says, "Get out - you bard!"

A horse walks into a pub,
The landlord says, "Why the long face?"


Well I found them funny anyway!

Ian

[Stone]

Celine Dion walks into a bar,
The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

[weight_for_me]

....now that was funny Stone.
Randy...

[Dectek]

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a mop.

[Tim Ingersoll]

Someone please finish this joke for me: A naked lady walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and sausage under the other. She asks for three drinks. . . .

[Welshman]

With an introduction that good you have to know the punchline so what is it?????

Regards

[nickjb]

And the punchline is...


Your not going to like this...


There isn't one. :)

This is from a scene in 'The breakfast Club'

The trivia section of the IMDB listing for "The Breakfast Club" says this:

The joke that Bender tells but never finishes (while crawling through the ceiling) actually has no punchline. According to Judd Nelson, he ad-libbed the line. Originally, he was supposed to tell a joke that would end when he came back into the library and said, "Forgot my pencil", but no one could come up with a joke for that punchline.

The whole quote is: "Naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm, and a two-foot salami under the other. The bartender says, 'I guess you won't be needing a drink.' Naked lady says-- [The ceiling gives way.] Oh ****!"

[Welshman]

There you are - the mystery is explained courtesy of NickJB!

Regards

[caymaniac]

the guy who walks into a bar with a frog on his head?.....................................
,,,, the frog says to the bartender " would you believe this started out as a wart on my azs?"

Caymaniac:D

[Tim Ingersoll]

nickjb once bubbled...
And the punchline is...

I know the story and have been searching for a punch line for years. I'm still hoping.

[scubaleg]

A three-legged dog walks into the pub....



and says . . . .







"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!"

[Tim Ingersoll]

Aww now that bad.:(

[Crispy]

A man walks into a bar and says.........

.....OUCH !

c'mon even the stupid ones deserve a laugh.

-crispy

[ScubaBaby]

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in.

Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $500 that I can pee into a shot glass from 30 feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $500, so he agrees. They get out a shot glass, the bartender paces off 30 feet, and the contest begins. The man pees all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $500, huh?"

The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $200 apiece that I could come in here and pee all over the bar."

[ScubaBaby]

A man rushes into a bar, orders the four most expensive 30-year-old single malts in the house and has the barman line them up in front of him. Then without pausing, he quickly downs each one.
"Whew," the barman remarks, "You seem to be in a hurry."
"You would be too if you had what I have," the man replies.
"Why, what do you have?", the barman asks sympathetically.
"Fifty pence."


Okay - thats my lot !!!

[sunfish]

A British diver, an American diver, and a Canadian diver walk into a pub.

The barman says, "what is this, some kind of a joke?"

[scuberd]

An visiting foreigner walks into an Irish pub and proclames loudly
"I will pay 100 pounds to the man who can drink 25 pints of guiness in a sitting." the crowd murmers and a man gets up and leaves. Half an hour later the man comes back and drinks 25 pints all at once
"congradulations" the foreigner proclaims "but why did you leave 30 minutes ago?"

"I had to make sure I could do it first"

[Bacchus]

A man walks into the bar with his dog. The bartender immediately tells him that no pets are allowed. "But this is a special dog", the man replies. "He can talk".

The bartender- "Yeah Yeah I've heard it before ...roof roof...bark bark."

The man- "No, really he can talk. As a matter of fact he can read!. I'll bet you $50"

The Bartender- YOu're on.

The man takes a quarter out of his pocket, tosses it to the dog and says "Go get a newspaper"

A half hour goes by and the dog still hasn't returned. The bartender is ready to collect his $50 when the man says they must look for the dog. They walk out front and see his dog across the street humping a poodle. Running across the street the man yells at his dog..."What are you doing, you've never done this before!"

The dog replies "I've never had money before!"

[Cave Diver]

Okay, ya'll are going to force me to post in this thread...

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. The bartender immediately tells him that pets are not allowed.

This isnt a pet, it's a musician the guy argues, and I'll prove it.

If my octopus can't play any instrument in here, I'll buy the next round of drinks. But if he can, then I drink free.

Thinking he has cant lose, the bartender agrees and points towards the piano in the corner.

The patron sits the octopus on the bench and it quickly plays a rendition of Beethovens 5th.

Amazed, someone hands the octopus a fiddle and it plays a rousing version of "The Devil went down to Georgia."

Reaching behind the bar, the bartender says "I have something he won't be able to play" and pulls out a set of bagpipes.

The octopus takes the bagpipes and turns them over and over for several minutes.

"Hurry up and play it, you're making me look bad!" his owner hissed.

"Play it hell! As soon as I figure out how to get these pajamas off it, I'm gonna have sex!" :D

[KeyLargoBrent]

where he meets a pirate with a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. Talk soon turns to their adventures at sea. The seaman asks the pirate, "So, how did you lose your leg?".

The pirate replies, "During a fierce storm, I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the seaman, "What about your hook?".

"Well..." replies the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship, and battling the other sailors with swords. One of them cut my hand off."

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman, "How did you get the eye patch?"

"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asked incredulously.

"Well..." said the pirate, "It was my first day with the new hook."

[o2scuba]

An Irishman walks into a pub. He is new to the town and does not know anyone yet. He sits at a quiet end of the bar and orders 3 beers all at once. The bartender,serves him 3beers. The man sits quietly enjoys his pints, then orders 3 more..

Each evenening he comes in and always orders 3 beers. Pretty soon the locals are talking among themselves, discussing why he always orders three beers. A few locals convince the bartender to ask the Irishman why.

SO the next time the bartender serves him he asks, "pardon my cucuriosity, but why do you always order beer in lots of 3"?

The irishman relies "well' i've just moved here to accept a new job. I used to work with my two brothers, but we have all had to go separate ways for work. Before separating we all agreed that whenever we raised our glasses, we would drink a beer for each of our brothers as well."

Everyone respected this and he soon became part of the nightly pub scene.

Then, one evening, he enters the pub and orders just 2 beers.

The locals are surprised. They ask the bartender to inquire. The bartender is reluctant, stating "maybe we should just leave him alone, looks like perhaps one of his brothers has passed away".

The scene is repeated 3 nights in a row.

Peer pressure prevails and the bartender finally goes to inquire.
" We all noticed you are only ordering 2 beers now. We assume that you have lost one of your brothers. We all want to express our condolences and let you know that if you need anything, we are here for you."

The irishman chuckles and says "not at all, my brothers are fine.

I've just decided to quit drinking for Lent"

:D :D

[scubaleg]

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."
The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

[MikeS]

A disheveled guy with a wild look in his eyes runs into the bar and says to the bartender, “quick, give me a shot of Jack Daniels before the trouble starts.” The bar tender gives him a shot, which he immediately drinks and tells the bartender, “quick, give me another shot before the trouble starts.” The bartender gives him a second shot, which he immediately drinks and tells the bartender “quick, give me another shot before the trouble starts.” The bartender pours him a third shot and sets it on the bar and says that we be $12 for the three shots and what’s this trouble your talking about. The guy grabs the shot drinks it down and says “looks like the troubles started.”

[ONESPEED]

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