SCUBA Jokes anyone...?

[SaltyWhale]

Hi folks.....

It's time we get humorous in here. Please do not hesitate to share some laughs if you have any.

Here's one from me....

How many of what sort of divers does it takes to "circumcise a Whale Shark".....?





FOUR SKIN DIVERS....!

[Spectre]

This one was in an LDS newsletter [note... it's a PADI shop ;)]

"Three instructors and their students are on board a dive boat in the middle of the ocean. There is a NAUI instructor, a PADI instructor, and an SSI instructor. Everything is going fine until the boat springs a leak and starts to sink. The SSI instructor says to his students, "Okay, we're in the middle of the ocean, so we might as well do our deep dive." The NAUI instructor says to his students, "Okay, we might as well do our navigation dive, so let's get our compasses out and swim towards shore." The PADI instructor says to his students, "Okay, for $25 extra you guys get to do a wreck dive!"

[boomx5]

Good one Spectre.

[Belushi]

Don't take up diving to get a suntan.
People who look good with a mask on are usually ugly without one.
Inverse Law of Patches: A diver's ability is inversely proportional to the number of
patches they wear
Diving unprotected with a stranger is like having unprotected sex with a stranger.
Never clear a snorkel on a Mexican Federale'
Anyone who says they have never been afraid while diving hasn't been diving or is a bad liar.
Never use a sun intensifier lotion within 30 miles of the Equator.
People say the funniest things when you shut their air off.
Never have sex underwater above a coral reef.
Dry Suits and Beers do not mix

How to avoid shark attacks:
1. Never Leave Kansas
2. Roll in manure before diving. Sharks hate anything breaded
3. Always dive with a buddy. On sharks approach, point to buddy
4. Dive with a briefcase. Shark may mistake you for an attorney and leave you alone out of professional courtesy

Buddies are never where you need them to be.
You WILL run out of film before the Whale Shark Swims By
60 minute camcorder batteries aren't
One should never make a night dive on a coral reef after taking:
1. Acid
2. Marijuana
3. Black Russians
4. Prosaic
5. Sleeping Pills

You can spot divers by:
1. Funny Tan Lines
2. Big Watch
3. Says "Huh" alot
4. Bad shocks and springs in car
5. Scars from trigger fish bites
6. Expertise on anti-histamines

You can spot old time divers by:
1. Funny Tan Lines
2. Big Expensive Watch
3. Old Jeep with bad shocks
4. Log Book has volume number on cover
5. Deaf in at least one ear
6. Has multiple scars.
7. Has cylinders older than you are
8. Talks about making their first wet suit
9. Dive gear is faded
10. Limps from Dysbaric Osteonecrosis

You can spot newbie divers by:
1. Sunburned
2. Timex Watch
3. Nice car
4. Fills in all the blanks in their logbook
5. No diving related scars
6. Says "Wow, did you see that" alot
7. Equipment looks nice
8. Perfect hearing

[sweetwaterhag]

What's the main difference between a PADI Instructor and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four

;-)

[mike_s]

we might have a record for the oldest thread revived on Scubaboard! (2002 until today).

[miketsp]

I wish I'd read this thread before. In May 2004 I posted one of the jokes above and the post was pulled by a MOD (Otter) as being unsuitable under the ToS and I got a PM about it. :depressed: