Jokes

[diverman]

Hey peeps. :jester:
Got any good jokes? Put em here i wanna hear em! Long as their not too dirty mind ya some people might take offense.

[scuberd]

ok this one is the greatest joke ever, and the later it is the funnier it is:

A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks over to the rabbit and sais "does the crap ever stick to your fur" "no" the rabbit replied,

So the bear whipped his a** with the rabbit

[Ontario Diver]

So then, Saul and Eli are hanging out in the bar after a round of golf.

Saul says to his best friend "Eli, Do you think that there is Golf in heaven?"

Eli thinks and say "I don't know. But I'll tell you what - whichever of us who dies first. He comes back and tells the other."

So they agree and a month later, Saul goes to his maker....

Two days later, Eli is about to tee off and he feels a spooky presence. "Saul?" he says.

"Eli, I've come back to tell you about heaven. And I have good news and bad news.

The good news is that there are hundreds of great courses in heaven. Never any waiting to tee off. Always get good bounces. The greens are like pool tables.

The bad news is that you are in my foursome for Thursday morning."

[peter]

How many dyslexic's does it take to change a light blub :)

[sdexcalibur]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree..................................



Because he was dead

[sdexcalibur]

Why did the chicken fall out of the tree.........................


Because he was holding on to the monkeys tail

[srkdvr]

:mean:

Heard about these two riding down the road on a Harley, they passed a billboard with a Hot Model holding a beer. They guys girl said, "I bet if I drank a six pack of that you would think I would look like her." And the guy said, "NO!" "If I drank a six pack of that, then you would look like her."


Rich :jester:

[diverman]

Two cannibals were hunting in the woods and they happened upon this big field surrounded by trees. In the middle of the field was a beautiful blonde. THe son said to the father "dad can we eat her?" The father quickly said, "No son, we'll take her home and eat your mother" :jester:

[diverman]

Hey Peter,

You never did say how many dislexics
:confused:

[Chrismac]

Bertha was very depressed. Her husband of 50 years had just commited suicide the day before. She decided that she would join her husband by killing herself. The only problem was, she had to think of where to shoot herself so it would end up killing her.

Bertha drove over to her doctor's office and asked him where your heart is. He told her right below the left breast, so she went home.

Bertha grabbed her husband's gun and shot her left knee.

:D

[diverman]

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

[TexasMike]

Here are some of our funnier threads of the past....

Redneck Divers (http://www.scubaboard.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=2296)

Diving Song Parodies #1 (http://www.scubaboard.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=3237)

Diving Song Parodies #2 (http://www.scubaboard.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=3289)

Ocean Related Groaners (http://www.scubaboard.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=3608)

Crime and Pun-ishment (http://www.scubaboard.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=7558)


Fair Warning: If you insist on drinking liquids while reading the above referenced threads, have the paper towels ready to wipe off your monitor.

[TexasMike]

Many folks may remember that back in the frontier days of the United States, there sometimes weren't enough preachers to head up all the country churches. So often there were preachers called "circuit riders" would would go from frontier town to frontier town spreading the Gospel.

One of these was Joseph who had been a circuit rider for many years. And all these years he had the same horse. And while the horse was a great companion, it was getting on in years and was about time for Joseph to retire him.

So as Joseph rode from town to town, he would look over the different herds with an eye out for a replacement horse.

The one day, he was riding along, he saw a fellow on a beautiful chestnut mare. While that was nothing much in those days, what astounded Joseph was the way the rider controlled the horse.

Now when most folks wanted a horse to get going, they would say "Giddyup!". And when they wanted it to stop, they would say "Whoa!"

But as Joseph watched in amazement, the when the rider said "Praise the Lord!", the mare would pick up and canter as smooth as you please. And when he said "Amen!", the mare would stop in it's tracks as if it had run into a Wylie Coyote Acme brand flypaper.

"Oh boy!" thought Joseph. "That's the horse for me! Just think how all of the parishoners will be impressed when they see me on that mare and how by just saying "Praise the Lord" I can make it run and how it will stop by saying "Amen"."

So after some haggling, and assurances that the old horse would be well look after, Joseph took possesion of the mare.

And he was right, the parishoners were very impressed to see Joseph come riding into their towns on this fine mare and how he could make the horse run by saying "Praise the Lord!" and stop with "Amen!"

Several months go by and Joseph finds himself behind schedule. So he decides to take a shortcut to the next town through a dangerous mountain pass that is full of bad trails, small ledges, and steep drop offs.

After a starting through the pass, a severe thunderstorm begins to rage all about Joseph and the mare. As they pick their way along the dangerous path, the storm seems to rival the fury of the one that made Noah an admiral with high winds, loud thunder, and driving rain.

The suddenly, a bolt of lightning strikes a tree right next to the trail and spooks the mare. She takes off running with Joseph barely able to cling to the wet saddle.

"WHOA!" he yells, "WHOA!!! STOP!! WHOA!!!" He keeps yelling as he pulls on the reigns trying desperate to control the mare before they both plunge to their deaths in the deep ravine.

This goes on for quite a while with the mare barely staying on the path. Joseph, who is scared out of his wits does the best thing he can think of.....pray. And because he's scared he prays out load at the top of his voice, finally ending with a very loud "AMEN!!!"

Hearing that, the mare skids to a stop bare inches where the trail has been destroyed by a landslide and the only thing infront of them is empty space down to the bottom of the canyon floor.

Joseph tales out his hankerchief and wipes his adrenalin soaked brow as both he and the mare catch their breath. Then when he feels brave enough, he looks at just how close he and the mare came to meeting their doom.

And seeing that it was just inches, he looks up at the sky, and says in a loud voice, "Praise the Lord!"

[Jonathan]

diverman - you might want to read Peter's joke again

Dyslexia Rules - KO!

Jonathan

[wch]

Texas Mike,
Thank you for the great links, I write this with tears in my eyes from the laughter. Only half way through the redneck jokes, gotta go back!

Bill

[Welshman]

George goes to the golf club. As he walks into the locker room he sees Fred whose wife had died recently.

"Fred, I'm awfully sorry to hear about your wife", says George, "How did it happen?"

"Thanks George. It's been very difficult", says Fred.

"We were out playing golf. She'd just hit a beautiful tee shot to the short 7th hole when she collapsed. Despite all my efforts she was dead on the spot."

"That must have been terrible", says George

"Indeed it was", says Fred, "Play a shot, drag the wife, play a shot,drag....

[scuberd]

Originally posted by sdexcalibur
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree..................................



Because he was dead
why did the second monkey fall out of the tree??

he was stapled to the first monkey

why did the third monkey fall out of the tree??

peer presure

why did the lizerd fall out of the tree??

he was doing a monkey inpersonation

[DameDykker]

Five surgons were talking one day discussing which kind of patints they liked best.
The first prefered bookkeepers because everything inside was numbered.
The second prefrede libraryans because everthing inside was in alfabetic order.
The third preferede electricians because everthing inside was coulor coded.
The forth preferede lawyers because they don't have any hart or spine and you can interchange head and a$$.
The fifth preferede engineers because they are very understanding if there are a few pieces left over afterwards!

[song]

A man gets on a plane & finds his seat. Next to him is a prim & proper little old lady. The man starts reading his newspaper when he notices the little old lady raise a white linen hanky to her nose. She sneezes, then begins trembling all over. He returns to his paper. The lady again raises the hanky, sneezes, and shakes & trembles. A few minutes pass, and she repeats the sneezing and trembling. Finally the guy inquires, "Are you okay? You seem to really be affected by all this sneezing."

The lady answers, "I've got a unique medical condition. Each time I sneeze it causes me to have an orgasm."

The man is dumbstruck. "Are you taking anything for that?"

She replies, "Yes. Pepper."

[sdexcalibur]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get
there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: "Don't Step
on the Ducks."

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck. Although they try their
best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains
them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to
spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along
comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another
extremely ugly man. He chains them together for eternity as well.

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for
all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She
manages to go months without stepping on any ducks.

Then one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has
ever laid her eyes on. very tan, muscular and sexy. St.Peter chains them
together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to
deserve being chained to you for all eternity?" The guy says, "I don't
know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

[TexasMike]

Don't you hate it when you're telling your best joke, stumble over your tongue, and you up it mess?

[dmmike]

OK or is it KO, I do not get the joke. Can somebody explain it to me?

HELP!!!!!!!

Thanks

[Welshman]

dmmike

Look up the definition of dyslexia and it'll become clear, or should I say look up the definition and it'll become clare.

[diverman]

Hehhe,
I dunno peeps but I can't , for the life o me, figure out what the answer to the Dyslexia joke is. KO? OK? :confused:

[scuba-sass]

Diverman,

First Step - drink some coffee, make sure you're awake and paying attention.

Next - remember that dyslexics reverse words or letters in words, right?

Now - go back to the joke and read it carefully, and SLOWLY. Are you paying attention? If you have any powers of observation, it should become clear...

Happy Diving,

Scuba-sass :-)

[diverman]

Aint i just the dumass. =) :doctor: Finally figured out the dyslexic joke.
sknaht fer helpin the slow ones.

[diverman]

Ten Bad Things to Hear on an Airplane Mark as unread


10. This is your captain speaking and I don't feel that life is
worth living anymore.

9. We're cruising at an altitude of... ah, hell, I don't know.

8. Could somebody come up here and tell me what this button
does?

7. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Just kidding.

6. Would a flight attendant bring me a martini? And keep 'em
coming!

5. This is...uh...this is...uh...your...hmm. I seem to have lost
my memory.

4. Passengers on the left side of the plane -- does that engine
sound funny to you?

3. Welcome aboard flight 109 -- you bunch of jerks!

2. Good God, Steve! We're going to crash! Oops -- is this
intercom on?

1. We'll be on the ground in 10 minutes. One way or another

[Dafydd]

The President of the United States learns to scuba dive. He has a great vacation and heads back to Washington. As soon as he gets there he places the octopus on the endangered species list. An aid asks him why he did this. His response was that although he saw a lot of octopuss while diving, he never saw a single octocock.

I know, its an old joke. But its the only diving related joke I could think of...

[diverman]

An old man was sitting on a bench one day, crying his eyes out. Another man sat next to him and asked him why he was crying. "I got agood life," the old man said "Every day before I got to work I make love to my wife, I come home from lunch and we make love again, and right now she is waiting for me at home so we can make love again." "Oh" said the man. "So you have a great life!, why are you crying?" at that the poor old man said, "i forgot where i live!"

[srkdvr]

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk,... I have a work station.
///////////////////////////////////////////////
The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was relieved the evening was finally over.

At her apartment door, he suddenly said,
"Hey! You wanna see my underwear?"

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

She glanced down and said, "Nice design,....
does it also come in men's sizes?"

:out:

[srkdvr]

The morning after their honeymoon, the wife said to her husband,

"Y'know, you're really a lousy lover!"

The husband replied, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville
wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service
starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives,
their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming
and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their
determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who
sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's
ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, I sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, I sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, asks, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

:out:

[srkdvr]

MIDDLE AGED WOMEN

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God
she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in
and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she
figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While
crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 40 years. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

SCROLL DOWN....You'll love this!!!)
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God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

[Welshman]

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball in the woods. When she was looking for the ball she noticed a frog in a trap.

The frog saw her and shouted out "If you let me out I'll grant you three wishes", so the woman released the frog.

"Thanks" said the frog, "but there's one thing I forgot to tell you - whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more and better". "That's OK", said the woman.

For her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her "You realise that your husband will look like Adonis, a man all women will flock to". "That's OK", said the woman, "since I'll be the most beautiful woman he'll only have eyes for me".

So immediately she was transformed into the most beautiful woman in the world.

For her second wish she wanted to be the wealthiest woman in the world. "You realise", said the frog, "that your husband will be 10 times wealthier than you?". "Yes", she said, "but all mine his his and all his is mine".

Again she immediately became the wealthiest woman in the world.

"What is your final wish?", asked the frog.

The woman thought for a moment, and then answered:

"I think I'd like a mild heart attack....

[ONESPEED]

:bump: