Deep Dixie Diver Humor: You know you're a SCUBA redneck when...

[mike_s]

thought the Deep Dixie Diver crowd would enjoy reading this that someone sent me. Feel free to add your own in your reply.

(It's a pretty long list, but it's pretty funny....)



You know you're a SCUBA redneck when...

• You dive a place called Possum Kingdom.
  
• You have a gun rack on your BC.
  
• Your dive flag is "The Stars and Bars".
  
• You have to clean the kudzu off your gear before you use it.
  
• You get in a spittin' contest with your DI.
  
• You have to remove the chaw before putting your regulator in your mouth.
  
• When you spit in your mask it turns brown.
  
• You think craw-dads are fresh-water lobsters.
  
• Your boat has more than 6 beer cans rollin' around in the bottom.
  
• Your snorkel is a piece of radiator hose off'n your '57 Chevy
  
• You have your dive gear serviced after you pick it up from the pawn shop.
  
• You have a spit cup on a D-ring on your vest.
  
• You have more than two dive buddies named Junior or Bubba.
  
• The buckle on your weight belt is silver with your name on it.
  
• You have to decide whether to take that AOW course or pay off the taxidermist.
  
• Then you list that AOW course whenever you're asked about advanced education on a job app.
  
• You can't decide which baseball hat to wear on the dive boat.
  
• Your dive bag says Hefty on the side.
  
• They won't let you on the dive boat in your boots.
  
• And you have to leave your dog on the dock...
  
• You have a Confederate Battle Flag sticker on your tanks.
  
• Directions to your favorite local dive site includes "turn at the really big cow"
  
• You have ever startled a cow DURING a dive.
  
• You were inspired to take up diving because Burt Reynolds looked so macho in that wetsuit in "Deliverance".
  
• The handle on your dive knife is a deer antler.
  
• You take a fishin' pole and a can of worms on the dive boat.
  
• You try to look up "carp" in your "Reef Fish" book.
  
• Your dive vest has duct tape on it somewhere.
  
• Your dive buddy can field dress a deer.
  
• Your dive skin has a tobacco can ring worn in the rear.
  
• It takes you and all your dive buddies to show off a full set of teeth.
  
• The zipper on your wetsuit doesn't have all it's teeth either.
  
• You clean your boat with a leaf blower.
  
• You have to rent gear 'cause a tornado got yours along with the trailer house.
  
• Your DM has to spit more than twice during a dive briefing.
  
• You think a lobster is a big craw-dad and you try to suck the head.
  
• You've bought more than two pieces of dive gear at a garage sale.
  
• You have to get the chickens out of your boat before you take it out.
  
• Your dive boat has a flat bottom.
  
• You keep a chain saw in the boat "just in case".
  
• Your spear gun has a scope on it.
  
• You go around asking everyone on the dive boat to "pull your finger"
  
• You're wearing a camo jacket in the picture on your C-card.
  
• You take soap when you go divin' figuring "hell, it's been a while".
  
• You have only one dive buddy and she's your mother, wife and sister
  
• Your dive cylinder is a recycled (aluminum) beer keg
  
• You refer to your two-cylinder set-up as a "double-wide"
  
• You've skipped 7am dives because you would rather have a beer
  
• You have to put DenturGrip on your second stage before putting it in your mouth
  
• You like marine reserves because that's where you get the big abs
  
• Your power inflation hose is not connected to your cylinder but still works beautifully
  
• You spent your honeymoon quarry diving
  
• Your daughter also spent her honeymoon quarry diving
  
• You don't need fins because you already have webbing between the toes
  
• You found White Diver engaging and astute
  
• Your tank & your home are made both aluminum
  
• You wear a 'Marlboro Dive Team' T-shirt on the dive boat
  
  .... And you keep your bottle of Defog rolled in the sleeve
  
  .
• You have to unhook your LP hose from your carburetor so you can put it back on your regulator.
  
• Your dive computer has the "Deer Hunter" game loaded into it.
  
• In your Rescue Diver course, you get the "victim" to shore, and try to gut him
  
  ..and you have to pull his chaw out before you give him CPR.
  
  ..or when you have to pull out HER chaw
  
  .
  
• Talk about "integrated" weight systems makes you uncomfortable
  
• If you have ever blown off engine parts with a SCUBA cylinder
  
• You think that being neutral requires castration.
  
• There are more bubbles coming from below your waist than above.
  
• You've ever seen a coral head that reminded you of Elvis
  
• You think you can use NITROX to make your car faster
  
• You think anyone without a relative for a buddy is into "alternative lifestyles"
  
• You seem to recall learning "equalizing" in grade school.
  
• You ask DocV if there's any good dive sites rat-near Daytona
  
• Your dive season starts when deer season ends.
  
• You have to take more than two pounds off your weight belt because of your pocket knife.
  
• You ask the DM to hold your beer while you get your C-card out.
  
• You think the ABCs are somethin' you shoulda learnt in school.
  
• The tires on your boat trailer are borrowed off your house.
  
• Your dive kit has bailin' wire in it.
  
• You lure fish with a Delco (see if anybody gets that)
  
• You've ever shot a possum with your speargun.
  
• You think Roe v. Wade is something you might have to do if'n the dive boat quits.
  
• You have a bumper sticker that says "They can have my speargun when they pry it from my cold, dead fingers".
  
• The "Head" on your boat is a mason Jar.
  
• You have a Calvin piss on N0. 3 Sticker on yer tank.
  
• You ask if Ruger makes Spear Guns now and eats "Slim Jims" as a post dive meal
  
• Your BC pocket has a wear mark from your Skoal can.
  
• You use bailing wire to twin your tanks and attach them to you BC.
  
• You use a cow ear tag as a shorkel keeper.
  
• You keep trying to herd fish.
  
• You use a welding rod in your spear gun when you loose the original spear.
  
• You have spurs on your fins.
  
• Your momma has to take the marlboro out of her mouth when she tells the lifeguard to kiss her *** when he confronts her about divin without a flag.
  
• You have a neat Marlboro dive bag thanks to momma savin all those miles.
  
• The white stripe on your dive flag was painted with a brush.
  
• Your save a dive kit includes bailing wire and a pair of fence pliers.
  
• Your between dive snack is hushpuppies an' gravy.
  
• Your custom wetsuit looks like a NASCAR driving suit
  
• You don't have to hold your breath to pee.
  
• Your wetsuit has a drop-flap in the back or your farmer johns really are!
  
• You wonder why Humann didn't put in a picture of a channel cat in a juvenile phase.
  
• Water spouts make you homesick.
  
• Your driver's license says; Eyes-Blue,Hair-Brown,Weight-160 field dressed
  
• And you think "Corrective Lenses Required" means the 30-'06 in the gun rack must have telescopic sights.
  
• Dive boat has more horsepower than the truck & cost more than the house.
  
• My truck, my gun, my dog, my regulator, my woman. That's all she wrote.
  
• Your swim trunks have huge brown stains in the rear.
  
• You think Dacor is them furnishin's in yer new doublewide
  
• You think the BVI's are where they make underwear...
  
• You have to be shown how to use the head on the dive boat... and what it's for...
  
• You call NASDS and ask about scuba racin'
  
• You have a strap on your regulator because your only tooth won't hold it in place
  
• Your dive hood matches your hat line.
  
• You count your dive as your weekly shower.
  
• You count your weekly shower as a dive.
  
• If you made your hood out of an old inner tube.
  
• If you have ever taken batteries out of your kids toys and put them in your dive light...If you custom ordered your slap strap to hald a can of skoal.
  
• If you have ever dove while wearing a baseball cap turned backwards.
  
• If you carry jumper cables in your divebag.
  
• If you fill your tanks a Wally's gas station.
  
• If your dive bag says Walmart on it.
  
• If you have ever worn your mask while riding a 4 wheeler.
  
• If you always surface with at least 300 psi in your tank because you know that right rear tire is going to be flat again.
  
• If you refer to AOW as your senior year.
  
• If you have ever skinned a deer with your dive knife.
  
• If your dive light is a Q-beam in a ziplock bag.
  
• If you collect fishing weights to make bullets out of them.
  

 

[mike_s]

a few more that wouldn't fit above...

• If everyone on the boat ask you to spit in their mask for them.
  
• If your wet suit is the only suit you own.
  
• If your eyebrows or side burns keep you from getting a good mask seal.
  
• You've ever dove from an airboat
  
• The anchor for your dive boat is a cinderblock
  
• You use buckshot in your speargun
  
• You get excited when you hear there's 2 inch visibility in the swamp
  
• You ALWAYS bring the hounddogs when you go spearfishing
  
• You had to make a special mouthpiece because your two teeth don't hold the reg in place.
  
• Your idea of a between dive snack is a bag of homemade pork rinds and sweet ice tea.
  
• Several of your relatives died on a dynamite spear fishing diving trip.
  
• Your dive boat has naked lady mud flaps.
  
• You beat the fish to the Vienna sausages the DM is tryin' to feed 'em
  
• You've used your Dive Alert to scare hogs off'n the driveway...
  
• You wonder why they waste good vittles chummin'...
  
• You use your dry box to store ammo durin' deer season...
  
• You tell everyone about the blue tangs you saw... and the striped tangs... and all "them other tangs down thar"...
  
• Your SeaCure only has one tooth mark in it...
  
  
• Your dry suit is the one you don't pee in...
  
• Your dive knife has "Old Timer" or "Barlow" written on it.
  
• Your dive skin is red with a flap in the back.
  
• You think a safety stop is checking a toilet for moistness.
  
• Your dive slate has "10-4 good buddy" written on it somewhere.
  
• You think a "magnum opus" is a type of JBL spear gun.
  
• "Truk Lagoon" is the final resting place for your Chevy.
  
• You refer to the marine patrol as "revenuers."
  
• You have bought more than one piece of dive gear from the Home Shopping Network.
  
• Your thirteen male cousins borrow your c-card because you have the same last name.
  
• Your eight female cousins borrow your c-card because they look like you.
  
• Gators and mocassins are primary dive hazards.
  
• You have ever considered making a pair of fins from old sneakers and plywood.
  
• Your wife's idea of a swimsuit is cutoffs and a tube top.
  
• Your wife's idea of formal wear is cutoffs, a tube top, and shoes.
  
• Your dive boat has more Bondo patches than your car.
  
• The bumper sticker on your truck sez: My woman sez if'n I go divin' one more time,she's gonna leave me...
  
• Your weight-integrated BC is 3 boxes of shotgun shells in your "bibbed coveralls"
  
• You can't decide which wetsuit to wear...the camo or the blaze orange
  
• You have used duct tape, JB Weld and StopLeak on your tanks.
  
• Your spare air used to be an old freon can.
  
• Your idea of a salvage dive involves looking for recyclables.
  
• A salvage dive is also when you get parts off'n that sunken 57 Chevy 'cause they're better'n yours
  
• You've adjusted your SCUDA to accept 12 ouncers.
  
• You get narced to relieve your hangover.
  
• You're buddy told you he did a six-pack dive on his vacation and you ask him if it was bud or miller.
  
• Your mask is made from an old pickle jar and some duct tape.
  
• You've been asked for directions to a dive site and answered "well ya can't get there from here, but.."
  
• Most of the wrecks in your local dive area are 15 footers in 8 ft. of water and were caused by "drinking accidents."
  
• You use the nearest tavern's neon "BUD" sign as your landmark for night dives.
  
• You're moving to a new town and the most difficult problem you have to deal with is figuring out how to move your home and dive boat with only one chevy.
  
• Your boat's steering column has a chevy emblem on it and the con vaguely resembles the dashboard of an old truck.
  
• You keep your spare o-rings in an (almost) empty skoal container.
  
• You spend your SI on the boat watching re-runs of WWF on the TV and VCR you've managed to wire to the boat's battery with jumper cables.
  
• You've had to abort more than 2 dives early to meet with your probation officer.
  
• You've had to abort more than 2 dives early to meet with your MOM'S probation officer.
  
• You custom ordered a plaid flannel DiveSkin.
  
• Your wreck reel is made from the rim of an old mustang and some bailing wire.
  
• Your idea of a "tech" dive involves turning on the fish finder.
  
• Your wetsuit is camouflage and your hood is neon orange.
  
• You scrape together your change and ask for 87 cents of
  
• You'd like to buddy with Celine Dion becuz you seen an ad on tv sayin' she wuz a "diva"

 

[tom wicker]

In your rescue diver course, you get the victim to shore, and try to gut him and you have to pull his chaw out before cpr LMAO

DOCV is he still around? I use to visit a board where he use to have all the answers on but I lost track of the site long ago.

Hey now deem porch puppies can be mean (Gator)
No comment on the leaf blower
You use the nearest tavern's neon "BUD" sign as your landmark for night dives.(I swear I’ve never dove the Whiskey wreak)
If you have ever dove while wearing a baseball cap turned backwards (nailed again)
How about your mother came close to drowning while calling hogfish
Dang now I got to clean the sticker from my tank but than again I’m safe with the gun rack on it and not the BC huh?

Well guys it seems BEER and HOT WINGS are still ok to eat at Hooters at SI I was sweating on that one also

 

[BabyDuck]

hell, i know people who *don't* take their chaws out before going diving!!

 

[SuPrBuGmAn]

Well guys it seems BEER and HOT WINGS are still ok to eat at Hooters at SI I was sweating on that one also

Wheeew!!!

 

[dumpsterDiver]

You own only one suit and it is a custom tailored suit from Italy. Unfortunately it is a wetsuit.

 

[mike_s]

Somehow, I'm betting SuperBugMan has used a Neon Beer Sign at Bahama Bobs as a reference on a night dive (whiskey wreck).

 

[sandjeep]

You dive a place called Possum Kingdom.

Wait just a darn minute!! You mean there is some dive sites over there!?... and here I've been driving to Jocassee all this time. No one ever tells me these things!!

 

[mike_s]

How about you're a SCUBA Redneck when:

Your dive-boat-horn plays the same tune as the General Lee from the Dukes of Hazzard.

 

[fmw625]

You get accused of picking your nose when you are constantly clearing your ears