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HITLER IS NOT AOW - Download your copy here available from my website Diving My Way
Spoken by the arresting Officer: "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60;
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife
says, 'Now don't be silly dear, you know
this car doesn't have cruise control!
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver
looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you
please keep your mouth shut for once??!!'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You
should be thankful your radar detector went
off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for
the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers
at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'DAMN it, woman, can't you keep your mouth
shut?!!!!!!'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that
you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an
automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah,
well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my
license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well
that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never
wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third
ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL
YOU PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP?!!!!!'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does
your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60;
perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife
says, 'Now don't be silly dear, you know
this car doesn't have cruise control!
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver
looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you
please keep your mouth shut for once??!!'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You
should be thankful your radar detector went
off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for
the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers
at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'DAMN it, woman, can't you keep your mouth
shut?!!!!!!'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that
you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an
automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah,
well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off
when you pulled me over so that I could get my
license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well
that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never
wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third
ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL
YOU PLEASE SHUT THE HELL UP?!!!!!'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does
your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
> The FBI had an opening for an
> assassin. After all the background
> checks, interviews and testing were
> done, there were 3 finalists, two
> men and a woman.
>
> For the final test, the FBI agents took
> one of the men to a large
> metal door and handed him a gun
> 'We must know that you will follow
> your instructions no matter what the
> circumstances. Inside the room
> you will find your wife sitting in a
> chair. Kill her!!'
>
> The man said, 'You can't be
> serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
> The agent said, 'Then you're
> not the right man for this job. Take your
> wife and go home.'
>
> The second man was given the same
> instructions. He took the gun and
> went into the room. All was quiet for
> about 5 mi nutes. The man came
> out with tears in his eyes, 'I
> tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
>
> T he agent said, 'You don't
> have what it takes. Take your wife and go
> home.'
>
> Finally, it was the woman's turn.
> She was given the same instruction,
> to kill her husband. She took the gun
> and went into the room. Shots
> were heard, one after another. They
> heard screaming, crashing and banging on
> the walls. After a few minutes, all
> was quiet. The door opened slowly and
> there stood the woman, wiping the sweat
> from her brow. 'The gun is loaded
> with blanks,' she said, 'so I
> had to beat him to death with the chair.'
>
> Moral:
> Women are evil.
> Don't mess with them.
>
OK so I was not going to post anything here but could not resist posting this one. It made me laugh out loud and perhaps it will do that to you too.
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test.
He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
HITLER IS NOT AOW - Download your copy here available from my website Diving My Way
Spoken by the arresting Officer: "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
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I don't get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK but become ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL. 
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Originally Posted by micklock
