Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[sassyalice]

A man lying on his deathbed called to him, his lawyer, his doctor, and his pastor. "I am going to die tonight," and I want to prove that when you go to heaven you can take it all with you. So to my three most trusted friends, you three of course, I am leaving 50,000 dollars in these envelopes. When I die you must come to my funeral and put the envelopes in my coffin with me." The man handed the three men identical envelopes.
A day later they each received news that, that night the old man had died . So each knew they must go to his funeral and fulfill his death wish.
Standing over the coffin one week later the pastor confessed, " I can't hide what I've done. I took 10,000 dollars from the envelope because the church needed to be painted."
Then as he did so the doctor also started to fidget then finally confessed “I took 30,000 dollars from my envelope because the hospital needed a new wing."
Ten the lawyer said plainly “You bunch of crooks! I wrote him a check for the full amount!"

[sassyalice]

> > Are you a Martha or Maxine?
> >
>>
> >*Martha's Way* Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone
> >to prevent ice cream drips.
> >
> >*Maxine's Way * Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
> >Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating
> >it, anyway!
> >
> >
> >To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
> >
> >Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix , keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
> >
> >
> >When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry
> >cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the
> >cake.
> >
> >Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.
> >
> >
> >If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a
> >peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant
> >'fix-me-up.'
> >
> >If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite
> >with me the real woman's motto: 'I made it and you will eat it and I don't
> >care how bad it tastes!'
> >
> >
> >Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will
> >keep for weeks.
> >
> >Celery? Never heard of it!
> >
> >
> >Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a
> >beautiful glossy finish.
> >
> >The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites
> >over the crust so I don't.
> >
> >
> >Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your
> >forehead. The throbbing will go away.
> >
> >Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!
> >
> >
> >If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves.
> >They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
> >
> >Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.
> >
> >
> >Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future
> >use in casseroles and sauces.
> >
> >Leftover wine??????????? HELLO !!!!!!!
> >
> >
> >

[sassyalice]

Why's of Men



1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)


3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)



(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)


5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?



(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)


6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?



(you need a rough draft before you make the final masterpiece!)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(don't know.....it never happened)


( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)





And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)


Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart !

[sassyalice]

One morning a husband took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.

"What the ? ? ?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back: "It's not talcum powder. It's 'Miracle Grow'."

[sassyalice]

THERE'S A LOT OF SADNESS IN THE WORLD..


Right now, as you read this, 17 Million Americans are having SEX!
And you're on the computer!

[sassyalice]

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
> > stayed home.
> > He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
> > "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
> > merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please
> >allow
> > her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."
> >
> > God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.
> >
> > The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. -
> > He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate,
> > Awakened the kids,
> > Set out their school clothes,
> > Fed them breakfast,
> > Packed their lunches,
> > Drove them to school,
> > Came home and
> > Picked up the dry cleaning,
> > Took it to the cleaners and
> > Stopped at the bank to make a deposit,
> > Went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries,
> > Paid the bills and balanced the check book.
> > He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
> > Then it was already 1P.M. And he hurried to make the beds,
> > Do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and
> > Mop the kitchen floor.
> > Ran to the school to pick up the kids and
> > Got into an argument with them on the way home.
> > Set out milk and cookies and
> > Got the kids organized to do their homework,
> > Then set up the ironing board and
> > Watched TV while he did the ironing.
> > At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and
> > Washing vegetables for salad,
> > Breaded the pork chops and
> > Snapped fresh beans for supper.
> > After supper, he cleaned the kitchen,
> > Ran the dishwasher,
> > Folded laundry,
> > Bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
> >
> > At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't
> > finished,
> > He went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed
> > to get through without complaint.
> > The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
> > -"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my
> > Wife's' being able to stay home all day. Please, oh! Oh! Please, let
> > us Trade back."
> >
> > The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:
> > "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to
> > change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine
> >months
> > though.
> > You got pregnant last night.

[sassyalice]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend?

I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy!? I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him,

"You haven't said anything about what yo u had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.? What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am.? When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

"Fishing or Sex?" and she said: "Wear sun-block."

[sassyalice]

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS


1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her Baby
in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong
one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San
Antonio, TX.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the
family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked.
"The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now
I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches
on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before
applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this
morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to
get used to the taste" the patient replied. I
then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled
"KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit,
MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos,
and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the
patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on
the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed
green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once
the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's
dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!.......! .........

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed
when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment I had
unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon
whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further
embarrassing me. I looked up from my
work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No
doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer
Wiener".
Dr. Wouldn't submit his name

[sassyalice]

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember .

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.? It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8.. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

12. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

13. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way

[sassyalice]

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their
tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up;
what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill
BOTH ways .. yadda, yadda, yadda



And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was
no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids
about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!



But now that...



I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look
around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean,
compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say
it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!



I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we
wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it
up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!



There was no email! ! We had to actually write somebody a letter
... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and
put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!



There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you
had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!



Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and
the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!



We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the
phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!



And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone
rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom,
your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just
didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!



We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with
high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like
"Space Invaders" and "asteroids" and the graphics were horrible! Your
guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And
there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen
forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and
harder and faster and faster until you died! . Just like LIFE!



When you went to the movie theatre there no such thing as
stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or
some old woman with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you
were just screwed!



Sure, we had television, but back then that was only like 3
channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had
to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!



You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get
off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was
no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday
Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for
cartoons, you spoiled little b@stards!



And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something
up, we had to use the stove or go build a fire ... imagine that! If we
wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing and shake it
over the stove forever like an idiot.



That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got
it too easy. You're spoiled.



You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in
1980!



Regards, The over 30 Crowd