Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[pidgiepoo]

Year 2011 is over. Homeland Security


has provided their end-of-the-year


statistics on airport screenings here


in the U.S. It is amazing what those


full-body scanners have shown.





* Terrorist Plots Discovered - 0

* Transvestites - 743

* Enlarged Prostates - 19,249

* Breast Implants - 209,350


* Colon problems - 27,298



* Natural Blondes - 3

[NetDoc]

The wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets
> that "help" get an erection.
>
> You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet
> pills.
>
> I am still looking for a place to live.

And that's when the fight started...

[Jax]

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers & wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother.. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE (I love this one)

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

[SolarStorm]

Sometimes we forget the really important things in life.
Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Nana gets us ice cream for dessert. And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"
Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.
He winked at my grandson and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my grandson asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied.
Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal.
My grandson stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass, you grouchy old bitch! "

[pidgiepoo]

LOTTERY QUESTION
>
> A husband says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"
>
> She says, "I would take half of the winnings, then leave you."
>
> "Excellent", he replies, "I won $12 today. Here's your $6, now get out."

[WOODMAN]

Here's one for all you ice fishermen out there:

An old man decided he was going to go ice fishing, so he gathered his gear and went out on the ice. He had his chair, his bucket, his ice fishing rod, and his ice auger. He picked up his auger and prepared to start drilling a hole, when he heard a loud, disembodied voice ring out, saying "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE THERE!" Frightened, he dropped his auger and looked around, but he saw nobody. Thinking he must have imagined it, he picked up the auger and again prepared to start a hole. Once again the voice rang out, saying "I SAID, THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE THERE!" The old man timorously said "Is that you, God?" The voice replied "NO-THIS IS THE RINK MANAGER!"

[Jax]

for all our first responders!!

My Knee Hurts Now - YouTube

[nimoh]

In light of the recent sinking of a cruise ship in the Mediterranean, Italian officials have implemented new safety protocols for cruise ships. Previously, it was required to have all passengers go through a boat safety briefing within 24 hours of boarding the ship.

The new policy is "Just follow the captain"

[Rhone Man]

Bit old, but...

[Jax]