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How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake. ----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.'
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'
The boy takes the quarters and leaves
'What did I tell you?' said the barber. ' That kid never learns!'
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming
out of the ice cream store. 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'
The boy licked his cone and replied,
'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!'
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station, and then the fight
started....
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream, and that's when the fight started....
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." and that's how the fight started....
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too" and then the fight started.....
On my 70th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to an Indian shaman living on a nearby
reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.
After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the
shaman, and wondered what I was in for.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and
with a grip on my shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must
be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3. When you do
that, you will be more manly than you have ever been in your life and you
can perform as long as you want"
I was very encouraged, and as he turned and started to walk away, I asked,
"How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded, adding
another
warning, but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the
next full moon"
I was eager to see if it worked I went home, showered, shaved, took a
spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the
bedroom.
When she came in, I took off my clothes and confidently said,
"1-2-3!"
Immediately, I was the manliest of men.
M y wife was excited and began peeling off her clothes, and then she
asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
preposition!
WHY SENTENCE STRUCTURE IS SOOOOO IMPORTANT The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning. Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.' Could you jack off?' she says, 'I feel like ****.'
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Originally Posted by mike_s
