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I finally got to use the new hand signal underwater to communicate to my buddy that the viz was ********D, hand covering mask with other hand in front of other hand with middle finger extended, you get the idea he laughed so hard he spit out his reg.....
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair; she lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior, 'I thought
this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was, sighed the Sister, 'and I went to play golf with my Brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.' 'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed.
'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it, snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
In order to better understand people's views of the world, a researcher once placed two children, one a pessimist and the other an optimist, alone in separate rooms. The pessimist was placed in a colorful room full of all kinds of imaginative toys...the optimist was put in a room filled with horse manure. The first child played in the room for a little while, but soon came to the door asking to leave because the toys were boring and because they broke too easily. Likewise, the young optimist soon came to the door...but rather than asking to leave, she asked for a shovel. Of course, the researcher asked the child why she wanted a shovel. She replied, "With all this manure around, I know that there must be a pony in here somewhere."
Two cowboys and Chuck Norris were sitting around a campfire out on the lonesome prairie. A night of their tall tales begins. The first cowboy says, "I'm the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands." The second cowboy can't stand to be outdone. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp." Chuck Norris remained silent, ......slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
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I don't get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK but become ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL. 
