Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[Cerebral_Origami]

In keeping with the theme above, here's an oldie but a goodie:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of crap is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep crap, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

(Some of the words have been changed to protect the ears of the innocent!)

[The Anchor]

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In-Box."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don t use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

[Rhone Man]

FIVE BEST THINGS TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

NUMBER 5: They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen.

NUMBER 4: 'This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the
time-management course you sent me to.

NUMBER 3: 'Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got
here just in time!

NUMBER 2: Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when
you put your ear down real close?


NUMBER 1: (Raising your head slowly) '... in Jesus' name, Amen

[Rhone Man]

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.




2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.




3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.




4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.




5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.




6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.




7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.




8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.




9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.




10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.




11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.




12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

[Deefstes]

Originally Posted by Rhone Man

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

This one is brilliant! I'll have to remember it.

[m3830431]

YOUR PARROT IS DEAD SENOR:

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Ro d ? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'

'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'

'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Yes Senor Rod! , he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'

'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'

'Yes, Senor Rod..'

'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade Super Quad 460 golf club.'

SILENCE . . . . . . .. . . .LONG SILENCE . . . .. . . .

'Ernesto, if you broke that golf club, you're in deep ****.

[Rhone Man]

A woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily
the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears.

'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a
tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.


About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.


'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.


A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the
Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle
and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with
myself and I shot the dog.'

[Rhone Man]

A Kiwi, was in Australia to watch an upcoming Rugby Test match, for
which he had tickets. He wasn't feeling well, so he decided to see a
Doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he
had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure
was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised
him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly he refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the rugby match just around the corner
he found an expat Kiwi doctor working in Australia , and decided to get
one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv
prostate suckness ey"
"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your
balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted
to take my test tickets off me!"

[sandshaker]

Originally Posted by mike_s

this is hilarious.....

The best Chuck Norris fact, ever!

Two cowboys and Chuck Norris were sitting around a campfire out on the lonesome prairie. A night of their tall tales begins. The first cowboy says, "I'm the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground, by the horns, with my bare hands." The second cowboy can't stand to be outdone. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp." Chuck Norris remained silent, ......slowly stirring the coals with his penis.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ lol wat i viz i have now lmao^



not as good as that one but pretty funny

A married couple in their early 60's was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.


Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.


' The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.
'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.


The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic , but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.


So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.


The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bas%$ds should remember fairies are female!