Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[pidgiepoo]

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over it anytime I want The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge'?

[pidgiepoo]

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin,etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.'
The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'

[Veronica]

This could happen to you.

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: " Hi, how are you?

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doing just fine!"

And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At that point I am trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. " Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them, "No.....I'm a little bit busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously..."Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my question!" LOL LOL

[Hockeynut]

Buttercups & Golf Balls

Towards the end of the golf course, Jack hit his
ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about
every buttercup in the Patch. All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and
puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother
Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just
for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn
for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for
your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll
never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!! Then POOF!
. . She was gone! After Jack recovered from the shock, he hollered for
his friend, 'Joe, where are you?' Joe yells back 'I'm over here in the
pussy willows.' Jack shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Joe; FOR THE LOVE OF
GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'

[pidgiepoo]

Happy Butt!


It was this little girl's first day of school, and the teacher asked her what her name was.

She replied, "Happy Butt."

The teacher said, "Honey I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out."

So she went to the principal's office and he asked, "What's your name?"

And the little girl said, "Happy Butt."

The principal called the girl's mother to get this straightened out once and for all.

After getting off the phone, he looked at the little girl and said, "Honey, your name is Gladys, not Happy Butt."

The girl then exclaimed, "Glad Ass, Happy Butt, what's the difference?"

[pidgiepoo]

Proof Men Have Better Friends

Friendship between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still there.

[pidgiepoo]

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena, my wonder dog,
at Wal-Mart and was in the check out line. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse,
I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.

I probably shouldn't, I continued, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time.

I awoke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

However, I did lose 40 pounds on the diet, so I was giving it another go.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is you load your
pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete and I needed to lose a few more pounds.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was, by now, enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, this woman asked if I ended up in intensive care because I'd been poisoned by the dog
food. I told her no, it happened because I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit both of us.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard!


WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore

[m3830431]

[scubagal28]

A blonde and a brunette are catching up after having not seen each other for a while, the brunette says to the blonde, "I'm married to Kenny now."
The blonde replies, "Really, I used to date him. Isn't he the one with the really bad dandruff?"
"Yeah," answered the brunette, "but I fixed that, I gave him head and shoulders."
The blonde looked really confused and after a few moments asked, "How do you give Shoulders?"

[m3830431]

Drinking with a Redneck Girl

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

' God Bless America