I Make Outrageous Claims

[RikRaeder]

Having been inspired by some recent, controversial threads here on ScubaBoard (that thankfully seem to have died out), I've been thinking; Hey, I could do that. As I thought more about it, I said to myself; Self, I bet there are a few people on the boards who have a sense of humor...maybe we could make a game of it (and hopefully avoid most of the haters and the wrath of the board gods). So here's the deal. Can you make a claim that violates the most laws of nature, physics, common sense and diving principles and make it flow? I envision something like the comedians' "Aristocrat Joke," within the bounds of TOS (if not good taste) of course. Please note: if you take the claims here seriously and start to argue against or defend XYZ, etc it means you have no sense of humor and are probably an old dried up stick in the mud (that was polite!) Feel free to comment on inconsistencies, etc but remember please;

THIS IS NOT A TEACHING THREAD...NOTE THE FORUM AND TITLE BEFORE YOU SAY SOMETHING S T U P I D

Here goes;

I'm not a certified diver yet, but I've been playing around with friends' gear for quite awhile. I've got about fifty dives now, and have recently gotten into teaching a bit. I fell in love with the DIR philosophy, and have found that I enjoy diving DIR so now that's all I do. The other night, I was doing a wreck penetration at 50m, looking for pirate treasure at a wreck that I often take groups to as a guide. I got trapped when a beam fell on me. I was able to squirm out, but by the time I did so, my single AL80 was nearly empty and I noticed that I had dropped my computer. I had only a moment to look for it. I couldn't find it, but as I was looking around the deck of the small cabin I'd been exploring, something shiney caught my eye over in the corner. I knew I'd have to do a longer hang, but I just had to swim across and check it out. In the corner, I found a rotten canvas bag that had burst and spilled out some small objects that looked like gold! Grabbing up a handful (most of which I dropped) I stowed them in my BC pocket and kicked like hell for the exit and the surface.
Because I was critically low on trimix at this point, I blew through my first two stops and hung out about fifteen minutes at nine meters. When my reg came up dry, I did a buyoant emergency ascent to the surface. My left arm was feeling a bit tingly and it was tough getting on the boat. It's a good thing that I only need one one-kilo weight. I managed to grab my Oxygen bottle (which I usually stage at 20m) and get back in the water. I returned to 9m on trimix, then went to O2 and completed my deco as best as I could remember. I've got a super-low SAC so my 4l O2 bottle got me through the rest of my deco and back on the boat. I was feeling much better once I hauled myself aboard an hour later but didn't feel like driving back, but since I was alone (I ALWAYS dive solo when I'm not teaching or guiding). I dropped the anchor and pulled a blanket over me and just collapsed in the cabin.
The next morning I wanted to head straight back, but remembered that I had dropped my computer (a very expensive Cochran) and figured I should go look for it. I still had a little backgas left, so I dropped in and returned directly to the cabin I had been searching before (I never use a reel, relying on my great memory and progressive penetration techniques). Without the worry of deco hanging over me, I found my Cochran after about ten minutes of searching and strapped it on. I didn't have enough time to search for the coin bag I had found but believe me, I'll be back and the cabin I searched was deep in the heart of the wreck so I doubt anyone will be there before I return. As I was doing my safety stop and looking forward to a few beers and some Chinese food, a blue shark swam along and started acting pretty aggressive. It was pretty small (maybe two meters) but I was in no mood for it. Not being able to drive it away, I ended up stunning it with a blow to the nose. I was pretty angry and so cut off it's fins and cast it adrift. I took the fins to my local Chinese restaurant when I got home and we all had a good laugh. Stupid shark!

[Cave Diver]

Originally Posted by RikRaeder

I didn't have enough time to search for the coin bag I had found but believe me, I'll be back and the cabin I searched was deep in the heart of the wreck so I doubt anyone will be there before I return.

Don't bother amatuer!

I found and recovered the coin bag after I shot an 8' bullshark with a pole spear while I was free diving and it went in there to hide.

[zaberman1]

I was once cave diving and clogged the florida aquifer. The pressure was no big deal but my buddy did have to push my fat ass out. I ended up in another spring...I swam back to where I got stuck to recover my jump reel.

[RikRaeder]

That's the spirit men!

[scubaren]

I was diving in the local inlet and an electric eel brushed up against my tank. The shock was incredible. The worst part was that I had my right hand on a cable that was in place for divers. There were several divers 20-30 feet from me holding the cable. The shock was transmitted right through the cable. It is my understanding that this cable is currently still in use and powers many home computers. As the electric travels more slowly when surrounded by water it may take a while but you may actually get a shock through your computer! Stand back!

[zaberman1]

Well...I did a bounce dive to 360ft on air...

From 200-0ft I breathed 02 to get those nitrogen bubbles out. After that, I took my adv nitrox and deco procedures, the instructor didn't believe what I said was possible. I said ******* off and didn't want to learn from him again. I than started a new scuba agency called ISII; independent scuba instructors international. It is currently the most exclusive/excluded organization on the market. If you think those 'real scuba instructors' are 'lying', join up...membership is $200 million...covers gas and tech trips for life...

[Cave Diver]

I was deep sea fishing in the caribbean along the wall. I stopped the boat to change lures when a rogue wave hit the boat and the rod and reel went over the side. Not wanting to lose my favorite rod, I grabbed the emergency O2 bottle from the first aid kit and jumped over the side. I cracked the valve and took a few sips of oxygen straight from the tank as I pursued the sinking rod and reel.

It came to rest on the bottom at about 200'. It lodged upright in a hole and as I tried to pull it free from it's coral prison I realized it was actually stuck in an old cannon overgrown with coral. Looking around I could see the shapes of several other cannons and an anchor littered on the bottom and as I started my ascent I realized I'd found an old wreck.

About halfway up I felt a viscous tug on my arm. A huge marlin had spotted my lure trailing behind me as I ascended, hit it and took off with it in his mouth! I was being pulled through the water as he ran with the line. Luckily I have a fantastic SAC rate and I never panic, so I was able to hang on to the rod with one hand and still sip air from the O2 tank with the other hand once every few minutes.

After about 30 minutes, the marlin finally tires enough for me to reel my way over to it. Getting close, I manage to grab it by the gills and force it to the surface. From there, I scan the horizon, find my boat and point the fish in that direction. As we get closer, the crew spots me and heads over to pick me up.

After getting the fish on board the crew takes us back to the site of the wreck. I go down below and grab a pony bottle that they use to clean the boat hull with. Next I grab one of the inflatable boat fenders and some rope and I dive back down to the wreck. Securing the cannon to the boat fender, I inflate it and raise the anchor to the surface and head back to the dock.

Once back at shore the marlin is weighed and breaks all previous records. The anchor is turned over to the island historical society. They identify it as a special type that was used only on royal ships from the British Navy. It turns out to belong to a ship that went down during a storm that went down in the 1800's while carrying a prince and a large portion of his families treasure.

The government offers me a large share of the treasure as a finders fee and to help them recover it. I turn my share of it back over to England and the Queen is so pleased that she declares a national holiday in my name and knights me.

Next week I'm going Africa for some big game hunting...

[RikRaeder]

Originally Posted by Cave Diver

...I cracked the valve and took a few sips of oxygen straight from the tank as I pursued the sinking rod and reel...

Very Nice. I think that's covered under ISII training.

[Cave Diver]

Originally Posted by RikRaeder

Very Nice. I think that's covered under IISI training.

They learned that trick from me. My parents used to live next to Jacque Cousteau and my father used to dive with him and consulted on all the old SeaHunt movies on how to breathe underwater after the air hose got cut.

Oh and I had a pet dolphin when I was growing up too. And a dinosaur that I hatched from an egg that I found during a fossil hunt expedition. Unfortunately it was a plant eater and it only ate a plant that is extinct, so it didnt survive.

[bowlofpetunias]

Finally I secured my dream job in paradise.. all the diving I wanted, every day... all expenses tax deductible! I was going to be stationed on an island I had recently discovered on the South end of the Great Barrier Reef.

I am a bit over cautious at times so I took a e-learning course on how to operate a hyperbaric chamber. Part way into the course I realized that lack of equipment could be a little awkward so I spend my last two weeks in "civilization" designing and building a solar powered chamber and fill station.

The first week on the island my buddy and I were pretty busy setting up the Satellite communication equipment and generally setting up camp. One evening I decided to have a pleasure dive just to unwind before the real work got underway.

Just as we were gearing up we heard on the radio that a livaboard had lost a couple American Divers and a search was underway. We let them know we would watch for their divers.

Being the great buddy he was... my buddy started a campfire to keep himself warm while he watch out for me from the shore. This redundant navigation aide would also give me a good beacon for to find the island at the end of the dive in the unlikely event that my instinctive homing ability failed me. Even I have something I haven't mastered. I never have worked out how you are supposed to use a needle that moves to find a place that doesn't move

After an hour at 30.48 M (100') I spotted the divers struggling against the current. Fortunately I was diving with split fins and my freakish SAC rate meant I had no trouble swimming against the current to their aid with air to spare.

The divers were clearly struggling and indicated they were nearly OOA. I realized I couldn't share air with both of them. I quickly grabbed a nearby Blue Ringed Octopus and suck it into the hand of the panicking diver. He naturally grabbed on hard forcing the Blue ring to unload his venom into the diver. This temporarily paralyzed his respiratory system and and reduced his need for oxygen buying me some time to get him to the surface. I dumped his BCD, Tank and weights. By reducing the drag in this manner I was able to assist the other diver to the surface and begin CPR.

On the surface I used my lazer pointer to signal my buddy to bring the inflatable. I continued the CPR as I listened to the reassuring sounds of the inflatable's engines coughing into life.

I had to discontinue CPR to inflate the other Diver's BCD ( I later found out he got certified by ISII which explained his lack of this fundamental skill). I was starting to think I'd hit the wrong diver with the blue ring when he started screaming some jibberish about a shark.


When I looked up, I realized I had judged him harshly.. there what a white pointer coming straight at us. I remembered the blue ring still clutched in the hand of my unconscious friend. Just on time I peeled open his hand an jamed the blue ring onto the Shark's nose. That deterred the shark long enough for my faithful ever vigilant buddy to arrive with the inflatable and hoist us to safety.

My buddy had notified the rescue chopper on the way out to us so we arrived on the island just as it landed. I reminded the paramedic on the chopper not to give up on the CPR as the Blue Ring Venom would wear off and all he had to do was keep the air going in and out and the blood going around and around until then.

As I headed for my bed for some well deserved rest... I remember thinking.... "at least I didn't have to use the hyperbaric chamber..... THIS TIME!"......