NCO Humor

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Squalus

The Good Humor Guy
Messages
2,244
Reaction score
0
Location
Wahiawa, HI
# of dives
500 - 999
3 Real Life Stories

The First …

Eleven people were dangling below a helicopter on a rope. There were ten Officers and one Sergeant.
Since the rope was not strong enough to hold all the eleven, they decided that one of them had to let go to save all the others.

They could not decide who should be the volunteer. Finally the Sergeant said he would let go of the rope since Sergeants are used to doing everything. They forsake their family, don’t claim all of their expenses and do a lot of overtime without getting anything in return.

When he finished his moving speech all the Officers began to clap…

Moral::
Never underestimate the powers of a Sergeant.

The second …

A group of Sergeants and a group of Officers take a train to a conference. Each Officer holds a ticket. But the entire group of Sergeants has bought only one ticket for a single passenger. The Officers are just shaking their heads and are secretly pleased that the arrogant Sergeants will finally get what they deserve.

Suddenly one of the Sergeants calls out: “The conductor is coming!”. At once, all the Sergeants jump up and squeeze into one of the toilets. The conductor checks the tickets of the Officers. When he notices that the toilet is occupied he knocks on the door and says: “Ticket, please!” One of the Sergeants slides the single ticket under the doors and the conductor continues merrily on his round.

For the return trip the Officers decide to use the same trick. They buy only one ticket for the entire group but they are baffled as they realize that the Sergeants didn’t buy any tickets at all. After a while one of the Sergeants announces again: “The conductor is coming!” Immediately all the Officers race to a toilet and lock themselves in.

All the Sergeants leisurely walk to the other toilet. Before the last Sergeant enters the toilet, he knocks on the toilet occupied by the Officers and says: “Ticket, please".

Moral:
Officers like to use the methods of the Sergeants, but they don’t really understand them.

The third …

Once upon a time three Officers were walking through the woods and suddenly they were standing in front of a huge, wild river. But they desperately had to get to the other side. But how, with such a raging torrent? The first Officer knelt down and prayed to the Lord: “Lord, please give me the strength to cross this river! "

*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff*
The Lord gave him long arms and strong legs. Now he could swim across the river. It took him about two hours and he almost drowned several times.
BUT: he was successful!

The second Officer, who observed this, prayed to the Lord and said: “Lord, please give me the strength AND the necessary tools to cross this river!”
*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff*
The Lord gave him a tub and he managed to cross the river despite the fact that the tub almost capsized a couple of times.

The third Officer who observed all this knelt down and prayed: “Lord, please give me the strength, the means and the intelligence to cross this river!”
*pppppfffffffuuuuffffffff*
The Lord converted the Officer into a Sergeant. The Sergeant took a quick glance on the map, walked a few meters upstream and crossed the bridge.
 
I've heard that one in a couple different versions. Here's another one a prayer
THE CHIEF PETTY OFFICER'S PRAYER

Dear Lord...

-- So far today, God, I have lived my life as you would intend.

-- I haven't lost my temper.

-- So far I have not even grabbed the Chief's Mess Cook by the throat, like yesterday.

-- I have said nothing insulting or humiliating to any of the junior officers.

-- I haven't b!@#$ed about the coffee, the ship's schedule, the watch bill or Saturday's Personnel Inspection.

-- I have told no lies...

-- I have not cheated at poker.

-- I have put no ship's tools in my personal toolbox.

-- In short God, I believe that so far today I have committed no grievous sins.

-- Thank you, God, for helping me to stay righteous so far. But Lord, it's almost 0600 and in a little while I'm going to roll out of my rack and after that I think I will need a lot more help.

Amen...
 
As told to me by an SSG and I have to agree with him:

The 3 scariest phrases in the Army to an NCO
1. A captain that says, "I have a plan."
2. A lieutenant that says, "Based on my experience..."
3. A specialist that says, "Watch this!"
 
U.S. Marine Corps rules for gun fighting:

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.

2. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quick ENOUGH.

3. Have a plan.

4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.

5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you
meet.

6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start
with a "4."

7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life
is expensive.

8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and
diagonal movement are preferred.)

9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.

10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.

11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.

12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or
tactics. They will only remember who lived.

13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating or reloading.

14. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have
to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

15. And above all......don't drop your guard!

Navy SEALS rules for gun fighting:

1. Look very cool in the latest sunglasses.

2. Kill every living thing within view.

3. Return quickly to looking very cool in latest beach wear.

4. Check hair in mirror.

U.S. Army Rangers rules for gun fighting:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75-pound pack while starving.

2. Locate individuals requiring killing.

3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.

4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.

5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75-pound pack while starving.

National Guard rules for gun fighting:

1. Select a new beret to wear.

2. Sew combat patch on right shoulder.

3. Reconsider the color of beret you decide to wear.

US Air Force rules for gun fighting:

1. Have a cocktail.

2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.

3. See what's on HBO.

4. Discuss definition of "gunfight."

Navy rules for gun fighting:

1. Go to sea.

2. Drink coffee.

3. Send in the Marines
 
One More just some phrases and mostly a crack on the air force.
Enjoy

NAVY / USMC ARMY AIR FORCE
Head Latrine Powder Room
Rack Bunk Single with ruffle and duvet
Mess Deck / Chow Hall Mess Hall / Mess Tent Dining Facility/Cafe'
"Cookie", stew burner Mess Cook Contract Chef
Coffee/Mud Cup of Joe Vanilla Latte'
Bug Juice Kool-Aid Shirley Temple
Utilities BDUs Casual Wear
Seaman/Private Private Bobby or Jimmy
Chief/Gunny Sergeant Bob or Jim
Captain/Skipper Colonel Robert or James
Captain's Mast Article 15 Time Out
Berthing/Barracks Barracks Apartment
Skivvies / U-Trau Underwear Tee Shirt & Panties
Thrown in the Brig Put in confinement Grounded
Zoom Bag Flight Suit Business Casual
Cover Beret Optional
Ship's Store / PX PX AAFEEs - Shopping Mall
TAD TDY PCS with family
Cruise / Afloat Deploy Huh?
Ground Grabbers Athletic Shoes Flip-Flops
Boon Dockers Jump Boots Birkenstocks
Low Quarters Low Quarters Patent Leather Pumps
SEAL Special Forces Librarian
Hoo-Rah ! Hoo-Ah ! Uh-Oh!
MRE MRE Happy Meal
Grinder Drill Field What?
Gedunk Snack Bar Chucky Cheese
Midshipman Cadet Debutant
 
Hey 2 Tours, have you been to phase 1 of combatives? I start after the New Year, sounds interesting enough. Not like the combatives I was taught in basic from what I have been told.
 
Squalus, I have had level 1 and 2 of combatives, the stuff really works. I've taught a little to my brother and he is itching to learn more. It's some good stuff. I wish I could get level 3 and level 4. Matt Lawson is a good dude and is really putting together a good program of instruction.
 
Good stuff... :)

If I had it to do over again and was going to choose the military as a career, I would have joined the Marines. If I had it to do over again and wanted to screw away a few years until I figured out what I wanted to do with my life, I would have joined the Air Force.

As it was, I ended up as an Army medic for six years. I don't regret one day of it. I found out something, though: Nobody likes the Army or the Marines until they are needed. LOL
 
2Tours N Iraq`:
Squalus, I have had level 1 and 2 of combatives, the stuff really works. I've taught a little to my brother and he is itching to learn more. It's some good stuff. I wish I could get level 3 and level 4. Matt Lawson is a good dude and is really putting together a good program of instruction.


Might get to those before I leave. Can you send some heat? It has been -4 here for the past few days. Kinda hard to run when your lungs are frozen.
 
Say what you want about the Air Force, but we do own the skies. Airpower. There is more air than land or water. Funny thing is is that I did all my technical training with the Navy and Marines so everything I learned and was taught was the same as the other two branches. Air Force just treats their people better. Jealousy is a nasty thing (LOL). Who doesn't enjoy getting spoiled?

Melissa
 
https://www.shearwater.com/products/teric/

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