Military Humor

[kingairpilot]

Another funny one, as a 32 year old 3rd class petty officer in the reserves, our drill location was on Ft Dix, NJ. Lots of NG and reserve army guys on that post. In utilities, with subdued metal insignia on the collar I guess I looked a lot like a COL. I got saluted ALL the time by LT's, Capts, and even 1 major. I got tired of explaining navy enlisted rank structure to them so after a while, I'd just snap one off, smile, and keep walking.

God what fun. I still miss it.

ka

[fjr_wertheimber]

The newest of a series of comics I did last deployment (OIF 05-06) and recently started back up with this deployment (OIF/OND), called BOB on the FOB:

If you get a chance, check out the Facebook page: BOB on the FOB Comics

[Tigerman]

The three scariest things in the military:

A second lieutenant with a map and a compass.
...

Youre saying walking in circles for 4 hours while the second lieutenant try figuring out wtf is going on is the norm? Not just ours that was useless with it?

"Ill take that" quickly became the first thing anyone seeing him picking up the map said

[Johnny Mojo]

Ahh, the memories! Good thread Thanks to all that have served past and present. It is a unique fraternity.

U
S uckers
M issed
C hristmas

J.

[mdb]

I well remember a seasoned USMC Gunnery Sgt. telling me: "A second Lt. is like a private. A First Lt. is like a Lance Cpl. a Captain is like a Sgt. and a Colonel is like me. Just be quiet and listen to your Platoon Sgt. and you will be OK." I took the Gunny's advice.

[DennisS]

here is one that got me some extras No sense of HA Ha these Pilots Have:

Maintenance Report: A/C Seat will not go down

Technician Report: Seat Actuator Ground Checked Serviceable. Seat Goes Up and Goes Down, Pilot Replaced

I saw a similar notation when I was in the air force.

Maintenance Report: A/c seat will not slide back and forth.

Technician Report: Seat slides smoothly back and forth, enrolled pilot in Charles Atlas course.

Really showing the generational divide-Charles Atlas course.

[GoAnywherePhoto]

A classic: The new Oaths of Enlistment

U.S. COAST GUARD ENLISTMENT OATH
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES COAST GUARD because I know being in the real military scares me. However, I swear to defend our position as the fifth branch of the Armed Services, although at one point we were under the Department of Transportation. I understand that atleast twice a day, someone will refer to me a member of the Air Force or Navy, and when I correct them, they will question my military status. I will work on boats the size of kayaks and small yachts during the worst of nature's storms, and recieve no thanks or notice form the public. I will fly in helos into the eye of the storm to rescue people dumber then rocks, and then be heckled by the same people when I bust them for transporting drugs two months later.! I will prevent thousands of gallons of pollution, but be accused of impeding the economy when I won't allow vessels to pour oil into the ocean. I will be the red-headed step child to all of the other services. All of my equipment will be discarded Navy property. I will use most of my time in the Coast Guard to take college classes, and perfect my web surfing abilities, then complain that I work too much. I will perfect avoiding PT at all costs, and do my best to attend training that will give me a great competitive edge in the career field of my choice, making retention efforts of the Coast Guard pointless. I will come in contact with so many pollutants during my tenure, I will glow in the dark for the rest of my natural life and refer to myself as "salty" because of it. I will do my best to work 8 to 3, with a two hour lunch, on normal days, and have my pager and cell phone surgically attached, SO HELP ME GOD.

____________________
Signature
____________________
Date

US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God!"

____________________
Signature
____________________
Golf Handicap
____________________
Date

US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my otherwise mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God!"

_____________________
Signature
_____________________
Date

US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune!"

______________________
Signature
______________________
Date

US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize), swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill....fix bayonets....charge....slash....dig....burn....blow up....ugh...Air Force women....beer.....Semper Fi.....Devil Dog.....air strikes....yes SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah Gunny....grenades...women....OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"

X____________________
Thumb Print
XX _________________________________
Teeth Marks
_____________________
Date

[wstein]

OHHHH RAHHHH!!!!!!! Semper Fi, Carry on!!


Signed

(thumbprint) and (teethmarks)

[Doc Harry]

GUAM

give up and masturbate

[DivrBikr]

The Chief was bragging to the Ensign one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, the Ensign called his bluff, "Okay, Chief, how about Tom Cruise"?

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."

So they fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, Chief ! Great to see You! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, the Ensign is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells the Chief that he thinks his knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," the Chief says. "President Bush," the Ensign quickly retorts.

Yep", I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots them on the tour and motions them over, saying, " Chief, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and that Ensign come on in and let's catch up.

Well, the Ensign is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to the Chief, who again implores him to name anyone else.

The new Pope," the Ensign replies. "Sure, I've known the Pope a long time." So, off they fly to Rome. They're assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when the Chief says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's. Sure enough, half an hour later, the Chief emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time he returns, he finds that the Ensign has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his side, the Chief asks the Ensign, "What Happened to him "?

The Ensign looks up and says, I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony next to the Chief ?


(from a "two-service" type..........) Hookers and Seabees