I need a reality check

[raviepoo]

My spouse and I have done hundreds of dives together. I am a drop out (moved away from the dive shop, never started up in my new area) from a dive master program and pretty much a by the book diver when it comes to safety. My spouse has aow and thinks rules are made to be broken. There have been times when I have been a little miffed at spouse on a dive but I have never felt that spouse compromised my safety until a few days ago.

We had just descended to about 50 feet. I gave spouse an ok sign and spouse returned it. Then, I feel spouses hands on my trim pocket with no explanation. I assume that there is an issue with the pocket and spouse is fixing it. I hover a few feet off the bottom and let spouse finish whatever he is doing.

Afterwards I feel off balance and notice I am drifting upwards. I look at spouse's hands and see one of my trim weights in it. I point at the weight and make a hand signal for spouse to give it back me. I dive with just enough weight and not an ounce more. I can think of no reason for spouse to remove weight from my rig. I have no idea what is going on. Spouse refuses to give the weight back. I signal again and again. I put my hand on the weight and try to take it. Spouse holds on tight. Spouse is making no attempt to communicate with me in any way. Spouse is just holding tight to the weight. I am getting angry.

i give the signal to abort the dive. Spouse ignores me. I give it again. After three tries we ascend. I try as hard as I can to slow my ascent but with the weight gone from my rig I go up faster than I'm comfortable with.

At the surface, I scream my lungs out at spouse. "What the h$&@ was that about??? Don't you EVER take any weight off my rig. I don't want to ever dive with you again. You compromised my safety. There is no excuse for that."

On the boat spouse tells me about the 7 pounds of lead that fell out of the pocket that spouse stuffed it into. Don't get me started on that. Stuffing weight into an open pocket (instead of a proper weight pocket or a weight belt) is a really stupid move. Spouse was just asking to lose that weight and that is what happened.

Ok, so spouse was short on lead. That doesn't explain why spouse believes that anything on my rig is available for use by anyone other than me without permission. Nothing on my rig is available to spouse unless I agree to it in advance or spouse politely asks to borrow it under water AND I GIVE CONSENT. Spouse should have signalled to abort the dive and we should have just ascended together.

i am still pretty steamed. Ok, so spouse wasn't deliberately trying to harm me. (For a minute there that was the only explanation I could think of.) I am inclined to tell spouse that unless spouse takes a rescue diver class, spouse can forget about diving with me again. Is that unreasonable? What would you do?

 

[flots am]

i am still pretty steamed. Ok, so spouse wasn't deliberately trying to harm me. (For a minute there that was the only explanation I could think of.) I am inclined to tell spouse that unless spouse takes a rescue diver class, spouse can forget about diving with me again. Is that unreasonable? What would you do?

The intent is mostly irrelevant. "Something significantly wrong"="Dive is over"

That said, if you're going to dive with someone with bad judgement and no regard for your safety, you get to choose the level of risk.

I dive with unknown and sometimes very poor divers on a regular basis, but it's always shallow and easy, so no matter what happens, "up" is pretty much risk-free and the surface is only seconds away at a reasonable ascent rate.

There's no reason you need to put yourself in jeopardy.

Either pick the dive based on your buddy or pick your buddy based on the dive. There are dives I only do with people I really, really trust and who have their skills and judgement nailed down, and there are dives I'll do with anybody who can remember "don't hold your breath". Taking someone on a dive where bad judgement could be a problem is just loading the dice against you. There's no reason to do it.

While you can say "I'm never diving with you again" to a stranger, it's likely to be an issue with a spouse. Instead you should work on improving skills and teamwork or plan very easy dives.

In the end, you can always decline to get in the water if you feel it's too dangerous.

My spouse has aow and thinks rules are made to be broken.

Physics doesn't care if you believe in it or not.

I'd make sure you keep both his DAN and Life Insurance paid up.

flots.

 

[Scott]

On the boat spouse tells me about the 7 pounds of lead that fell out of the pocket that spouse stuffed it into. Don't get me started on that. Stuffing weight into an open pocket (instead of a proper weight pocket or a weight belt) is a really stupid move. Spouse was just asking to lose that weight and that is what happened.

Pre dive check! It's part of every dive. Self check, then you check your buddies gear.

 

[CAPTAIN SINBAD]

Is the spouse a male or female? In certain cultures wives have an entitlement complex that can manifest itself in bizarre situations in bizarre ways.

 

[TSandM]

I think what bothers me most about this story is that it is not an isolated event. You say that your spouse's approach to diving and to safety has troubled you for some time; this is just the straw that broke the camel's back.

I agree that removing weight from another diver, without that diver's consent or knowledge, to solve your own problem, indicates either a complete lack of thought or a disregard for safety. Stuffing weight into an unsecured pocket is also an indication of sloppiness or a poor regard for safety. If this type of behavior is common, your spouse has branded himself either extremely careless or lacking respect for risk.

The man who headed the WKPP cave diving research project for a long time was a guy named George Irvine. He was a colorful and (sometimes excessively) outspoken man with regard to prevailing diving practices. One of his "rules" for diving was, "Don't dive with unsafe divers.". I think you are breaking this rule. You have two choices -- as said above, either restrict your dives to dives where your spouse would have a hard time jeopardizing your safety, or find another dive buddy.

When I was a new diver, my husband would not respect the requests I made for behavior that would keep me comfortable diving with him. We parted ways for more than six months. We'd go to the dive site, but buddy with other people. It kept the peace in the household. When I got more experienced and confident, I was able to tolerate things that made me very nervous previously. We also both ended up taking training that brought us closer together in philosophy, although to this day, we have arguments. It may be that you two need to do something similar.

 

[3D diver]

Spouse found herself underweighted---problem.

She took weight from you---problem.

You abort the dive---correct.

You got mad---problem.

Unfortunately, you'll likely need to resolve the last problem before the two of you can address the first ones.

Flowers, gifts, eating crow...sorry, that's all I've got. (slates for both of you so you can communicate underwater might help...)

Good luck.


Edit: visited OP's profile...

My non-PC correction: he's wrong, you're right, make him buy the flowers...etc.

 

[LeadTurn_SD]

... While you can say "I'm never diving with you again" to a stranger, it's likely to be an issue with a spouse. Instead you should work on improving skills and teamwork or plan very easy dives.

In the end, you can always decline to get in the water if you feel it's too dangerous.

1+.

If the incident you reported involved a casual acquaintance as a buddy, you could just choose to dive with a new buddy.

Not so easy when it involves a spouse.

There is a serious skills lack here. What did she suppose would happen when she removed some of your weight when it came time to ascend??

Like you mentioned, what should have happened is that she should have signaled that she'd lost some weight, the dive should have been aborted, and you should have both ascended together. It is quite likely she would have been able to control her ascent adequately if she emptied her BC and simply swam up carefully, with you right next to her to help her slow down if needed. Losing only part of your ballast weight should not result in a runaway ascent.

Anyway, good luck. I hope you are able to work out the skills and communications issues.

Best wishes.

 

[diving4ever]

First, let me acknowledge that the spouse could be either gender. That said, I don't want to play the pronoun game in my response so I'm going to assume the spouse is male...which I consider more likely.

This sounds like a scary and annoying dive experience. I'm sorry it happened. I think your concern is reasonable and it sounds like you might want to modify your dive habits in light of his behaviour. While the action of taking weight off you was upsetting, I have seen people who have a hard time communicating when they are stressed (which I assume he might be after losing 7lbs of lead). The larger issues to me is that despite his loss of lead, your excess buoyancy, and you repeated requests to abort...he ignored you. Anyone should have the right to thumb a dive at any point for any reason. By ignoring you when you wanted to surface he took away you ability to make decisions for yourself and impeded your ability to stay safe.

1) Implement a complete pre-dive check before you get in the water
2) Dive in small groups with seperate buddies
3) I'd talk it through with him again after the anger subsides, maybe with a DM or instructor he respects if you have access to someone like that
2) Consider talking through any larger issues of control with a therapist if you feel this behaviour exists outside the water

Good luck.
Melissa

 

[dumpsterDiver]

why on earth didn't you pick up a rock or a piece of dead coral or SOMETHING to offset the missing lead and just go up? You never powered down an anchor line and reached the bottom and found you forgot a weightbelt?

Also the amount of missing lead was about what the buoyancy change would be for two divers as the tanks empty. If you both stayed together holding eachother, and came up with full tanks...the weight deficit within the team should have be negligible.

 

[eelnoraa]

Sorry if I sound harsh with my statement below.

I think the fundamental problem here is NOT pre-dive check or any procedures at all. It is your sprouse lack of respect to the danger of this sport. If I were you, I would first sit down with the sprouse discuss the danger of the sport. He/she needs to know this sport can incur serious injury or death. And to prevent that from happening. If this one idea can't be agreed upon, then maybe diving isn't a sport you guys want to take upon.