jord1990
Contributor
*DISCLAIMER* this will be me talking about my personal life, there will be allot of typos and punctuation mistakes. I'm doing this to get some stuff off my mind so please don't waste your time if you don't like that kind of stuff *DISCLAIMER
Why here ? Well that is because allot of people advised writing stuff down, but I think it's kinda senseless if no-one including me will ever read it again. Again please read the disclaimer and make your choice.
Let me introduce myself. I'm jord currently 17 but will be 18 in less then a month. For the last 3 years I've been struggling very hard. Well let me correct myself there. Actually without knowing I've been struggling since I was born.
9 years before I was born my (Single) mother started to show up on the radar of mental health institutions. She was kept under surveillance closely whilst she was raising my brother and sister.
One of the few things I remember from my fourth year are the visits in the evening from my sister who was 10 years older than me. She would tell me my mother couldn't say goodnight cause she was not feeling too well. Which in hindsight meant my mother was trying to kill herself again. It all ended when one afternoon the police kicked in the front door after my mother had threatened to kill us as well.
After this I was adopted by a loving family who gave me all the love a child needs. Even though I had everything I wanted I was a very angry kid. Not towards others but just angry in general. My grades in were always great, until I went to high school. I went to the hardest but most rewarding high school in town but the unaimed anger and the feeling of injustice would never let me do my home work. I failed the second year and moved to another school.
Don't get me wrong I'm not the anti social kind of guy however I'm afraid of what people think of me. So on the second school I did the second year again and passed but I still didn't do my homework. It was not a conscious choice like I said it gave me a feeling of anger and injustice.
In the middle of second year a friend of the brother that was part of my new family came to me. He told me about a text my brother read over the shoulder of my new father. It contained I miss you so much to a female co-worker of my father. I decided not to believe and if you truly don't want to believe something you just don't then 6 months later I got a text at school from my dad telling me we needed to have a talk. The scary thing was I only get 1 or 2 texts a year from my dad. I left the classroom immediately to go home.
When I arrived only my father was home so I asked if everyone else was alright. He told me that he had been seeing another woman for over 6 months. And before he could say it I said the name of the woman. It was the female co-worker I had known about but didn't believe.
My father left that evening and all I did was trying to get everyone talking to each other again. After they made clear they were gonna give it another go I collapsed.
3 months later we went on summer holiday one of my friends came along and we had an amazing vacation. After the vacation I was ready to go back to school, but in the second week I had a day where I was so tired I just couldn't get out of bed. The next day I would be fine again. The week after the same thing occurred. It kept getting worse one week later it was to days, and so on until I finally stopped going at all.
A lot of people assume when something like this happens the person involved got bullied. Well this wasn't the case here I was enjoying school and wanted to go back, but there was a unknown force keeping inside my house. 60% of the time in bed 39% of the time just in my room and 1% of the time downstairs to get some food.
I always thought the root of my problem was my thinking it would never stop. It's even why I'm on here typing this out trying to silent my mind. The thoughts would make me fearful of the possibilities what people were thinking about me.
I started talking to psychiatrists but the same anger and doubt would always come out. I would never know how I felt or what was causing it. Eventually this led into a depression. I stopped talking to mental healthcare people, I stopped talking to my parents I basically stopped talking to everyone.
Until 8 months later my mom suggested I go scuba dive as I did it once before and I loved. With a fair amount of difficulty she dragged me into the local lds. The people there were really nice and I signed up for my owd. I would lie in bed every day until I went diving. I became addicted it would quiet my mind and even though there was still some fear and doubt it would leave when I entered the water.
Then we had a two week vacation on Malta in which I did 17 dives with great joy and after those two amazing weeks my depression was gone. So I thought
School had decided even I missed 3/4 of the third year I still could move on to the fourth year.
When I came home I was happy and I was gonna make a fresh start in a new school year. Only after 3 days the same thing occurred, but where I went into a depression the last time. I went into a state of just not caring anymore. I would lie in bed all day again not caring if I had dinner or not. Posting on here the stuff I wanted to learn on scuba diving. That is the one thing I continued to do I was still scuba diving until my lds stopped because the water got to cold.
I posted a semi depressed post and got an answer from rob. A long time member of this board who also lives in the Netherlands. He offered to dive with me since we only lived an hour apart. It was a very big trip for me to make as I hadn't left the house since my lds stopped diving, but I decided to do it.
When I got there I was nervous I had to show him my best diving skills which aren't so good. He was a very nice guy and when we arrived at the dive site we talked about what the goals were. I knew it was gonna get cold because I was the only one there crazy enough to dive a wetsuit. This caused me having to cancel the second dive because I just got to cold. To rob himself I've been to busy with my problems to talk to anyone else. How selfish it may sound it's the truth.
We are taking a big going from October 2013 to may 2014 it was mostly lying in bed between those dates. I saw how my problem was hurting my family members so I went to a farm somewhere on the more farmy region of the Netherlands. After six weeks there I came back reborn. The problem wasn't gone but I had new energy to fight it.
The diving season was open again and I asked my lds if I could help. Fortunately they said yes and 1 day a week I was helping divers. The other day I was diving myself. It still left 5 days for me to fill so I went to the local volunteer center and asked if I could do something there.
I applied and didn't get a response. My energy was fading so I decided to go back to the farm for a boost.
After spending 5 days on the farm helping the owners to move I returned to home. I arrived around 11 pm. When I entered the house my father and mother came to greet me, they were obviously intoxicated like they were 30% of the nights. I had given them a speech about it twice already. Since they always get into drunken arguments about my dads affair. Which I can't shut out for some reason. After I said hello to them I joined my brother and his friends on watching a movie since they just started. Little did I know we wouldn't make it past the first 15 minutes.
To understand the severity of what happened you have to put it into perspective. There was allot of chaos in my head at home so I went back to the farm for 5 days. And not 30 minutes after returning I hear my mother screaming in the backyard as she flips the chair my dad is sitting on. She is pushing him abd hitting him softly and I have to break up the fight. Not 30 minutes after I come home from my relaxing week.
We separated their sleeping places or else they would go on all night crying and screaming (drunkenly) but when morning comes they always act like nothing happened. I completely broke down again. I cancelled the diving since the state of mind I was in was not fit to dive. It was back to bed with me.
2 weeks later we had a trip to indonesia and the morning of the flight my mother came into my room. I'm so scared you won't be coming with us on this trip she said. At this point all my unaimed anger was aimed at my parents for putting me back into that position. I packed my bag 3 hours before the flight and she was relieved to see it.
Allot of anger,frustration and fear away from the flight we are in the present. Now what I haven't told you is that after the farm I started to find a path leading towards what the problem was. Once in a while I would find a symptom and try to do something about it. On one of the car rides the problem finally showed itself after 17 years a finally knew what was going on.
If anyone is still reading, you might have noticed the word fear a few times. This is the big problem behind everything ever since I was a child I have been afraid for nearly everything, but most of the times my thinking would override the emotion of fear. But at a price because I didn't know what to do with the fear it would turn into anger. That anger would turn into confusion and that confusion would turn into doubt. Everything is a chain reaction caused by fear.
While this problem was always there it was small and on the background, but when my parents almost divorced. It shook the foundation of my life. And now we are here on Bali with a planned dive tomorrow, but I'm unable to sleep because of worries that are not even worth my time.
If anyone is still reading this, you have some real dedication. It took me 3 hours to type. Again I just typed this to vent so I can go to sleep. If the mods want to delete it because it does not belong on this forum no problem.
Jord
Why here ? Well that is because allot of people advised writing stuff down, but I think it's kinda senseless if no-one including me will ever read it again. Again please read the disclaimer and make your choice.
Let me introduce myself. I'm jord currently 17 but will be 18 in less then a month. For the last 3 years I've been struggling very hard. Well let me correct myself there. Actually without knowing I've been struggling since I was born.
9 years before I was born my (Single) mother started to show up on the radar of mental health institutions. She was kept under surveillance closely whilst she was raising my brother and sister.
One of the few things I remember from my fourth year are the visits in the evening from my sister who was 10 years older than me. She would tell me my mother couldn't say goodnight cause she was not feeling too well. Which in hindsight meant my mother was trying to kill herself again. It all ended when one afternoon the police kicked in the front door after my mother had threatened to kill us as well.
After this I was adopted by a loving family who gave me all the love a child needs. Even though I had everything I wanted I was a very angry kid. Not towards others but just angry in general. My grades in were always great, until I went to high school. I went to the hardest but most rewarding high school in town but the unaimed anger and the feeling of injustice would never let me do my home work. I failed the second year and moved to another school.
Don't get me wrong I'm not the anti social kind of guy however I'm afraid of what people think of me. So on the second school I did the second year again and passed but I still didn't do my homework. It was not a conscious choice like I said it gave me a feeling of anger and injustice.
In the middle of second year a friend of the brother that was part of my new family came to me. He told me about a text my brother read over the shoulder of my new father. It contained I miss you so much to a female co-worker of my father. I decided not to believe and if you truly don't want to believe something you just don't then 6 months later I got a text at school from my dad telling me we needed to have a talk. The scary thing was I only get 1 or 2 texts a year from my dad. I left the classroom immediately to go home.
When I arrived only my father was home so I asked if everyone else was alright. He told me that he had been seeing another woman for over 6 months. And before he could say it I said the name of the woman. It was the female co-worker I had known about but didn't believe.
My father left that evening and all I did was trying to get everyone talking to each other again. After they made clear they were gonna give it another go I collapsed.
3 months later we went on summer holiday one of my friends came along and we had an amazing vacation. After the vacation I was ready to go back to school, but in the second week I had a day where I was so tired I just couldn't get out of bed. The next day I would be fine again. The week after the same thing occurred. It kept getting worse one week later it was to days, and so on until I finally stopped going at all.
A lot of people assume when something like this happens the person involved got bullied. Well this wasn't the case here I was enjoying school and wanted to go back, but there was a unknown force keeping inside my house. 60% of the time in bed 39% of the time just in my room and 1% of the time downstairs to get some food.
I always thought the root of my problem was my thinking it would never stop. It's even why I'm on here typing this out trying to silent my mind. The thoughts would make me fearful of the possibilities what people were thinking about me.
I started talking to psychiatrists but the same anger and doubt would always come out. I would never know how I felt or what was causing it. Eventually this led into a depression. I stopped talking to mental healthcare people, I stopped talking to my parents I basically stopped talking to everyone.
Until 8 months later my mom suggested I go scuba dive as I did it once before and I loved. With a fair amount of difficulty she dragged me into the local lds. The people there were really nice and I signed up for my owd. I would lie in bed every day until I went diving. I became addicted it would quiet my mind and even though there was still some fear and doubt it would leave when I entered the water.
Then we had a two week vacation on Malta in which I did 17 dives with great joy and after those two amazing weeks my depression was gone. So I thought
School had decided even I missed 3/4 of the third year I still could move on to the fourth year.
When I came home I was happy and I was gonna make a fresh start in a new school year. Only after 3 days the same thing occurred, but where I went into a depression the last time. I went into a state of just not caring anymore. I would lie in bed all day again not caring if I had dinner or not. Posting on here the stuff I wanted to learn on scuba diving. That is the one thing I continued to do I was still scuba diving until my lds stopped because the water got to cold.
I posted a semi depressed post and got an answer from rob. A long time member of this board who also lives in the Netherlands. He offered to dive with me since we only lived an hour apart. It was a very big trip for me to make as I hadn't left the house since my lds stopped diving, but I decided to do it.
When I got there I was nervous I had to show him my best diving skills which aren't so good. He was a very nice guy and when we arrived at the dive site we talked about what the goals were. I knew it was gonna get cold because I was the only one there crazy enough to dive a wetsuit. This caused me having to cancel the second dive because I just got to cold. To rob himself I've been to busy with my problems to talk to anyone else. How selfish it may sound it's the truth.
We are taking a big going from October 2013 to may 2014 it was mostly lying in bed between those dates. I saw how my problem was hurting my family members so I went to a farm somewhere on the more farmy region of the Netherlands. After six weeks there I came back reborn. The problem wasn't gone but I had new energy to fight it.
The diving season was open again and I asked my lds if I could help. Fortunately they said yes and 1 day a week I was helping divers. The other day I was diving myself. It still left 5 days for me to fill so I went to the local volunteer center and asked if I could do something there.
I applied and didn't get a response. My energy was fading so I decided to go back to the farm for a boost.
After spending 5 days on the farm helping the owners to move I returned to home. I arrived around 11 pm. When I entered the house my father and mother came to greet me, they were obviously intoxicated like they were 30% of the nights. I had given them a speech about it twice already. Since they always get into drunken arguments about my dads affair. Which I can't shut out for some reason. After I said hello to them I joined my brother and his friends on watching a movie since they just started. Little did I know we wouldn't make it past the first 15 minutes.
To understand the severity of what happened you have to put it into perspective. There was allot of chaos in my head at home so I went back to the farm for 5 days. And not 30 minutes after returning I hear my mother screaming in the backyard as she flips the chair my dad is sitting on. She is pushing him abd hitting him softly and I have to break up the fight. Not 30 minutes after I come home from my relaxing week.
We separated their sleeping places or else they would go on all night crying and screaming (drunkenly) but when morning comes they always act like nothing happened. I completely broke down again. I cancelled the diving since the state of mind I was in was not fit to dive. It was back to bed with me.
2 weeks later we had a trip to indonesia and the morning of the flight my mother came into my room. I'm so scared you won't be coming with us on this trip she said. At this point all my unaimed anger was aimed at my parents for putting me back into that position. I packed my bag 3 hours before the flight and she was relieved to see it.
Allot of anger,frustration and fear away from the flight we are in the present. Now what I haven't told you is that after the farm I started to find a path leading towards what the problem was. Once in a while I would find a symptom and try to do something about it. On one of the car rides the problem finally showed itself after 17 years a finally knew what was going on.
If anyone is still reading, you might have noticed the word fear a few times. This is the big problem behind everything ever since I was a child I have been afraid for nearly everything, but most of the times my thinking would override the emotion of fear. But at a price because I didn't know what to do with the fear it would turn into anger. That anger would turn into confusion and that confusion would turn into doubt. Everything is a chain reaction caused by fear.
While this problem was always there it was small and on the background, but when my parents almost divorced. It shook the foundation of my life. And now we are here on Bali with a planned dive tomorrow, but I'm unable to sleep because of worries that are not even worth my time.
If anyone is still reading this, you have some real dedication. It took me 3 hours to type. Again I just typed this to vent so I can go to sleep. If the mods want to delete it because it does not belong on this forum no problem.
Jord
Friends are one of the most important things in life, and you have to work at those relationships. "Help enough people and you help yourself".
