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Three women are sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound.
The first lady presses her forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at her curiously. "That's my pager," she says, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rings. The second woman lifts her palm to her ear. When she finishes she explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The third woman, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes she returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from the crack of her butt. The others raise their eyebrows.
One night, a very drunk man stumbles out of a bar onto the steet. As he's walking along he crosses paths with a Nun. Out of no where he jumps on the Nun and starts beating her to the ground. After he's done, he gets up and sneers down at her and says "You're not so tuff now Batman. Are ya?"
BRITTANY was on her deathbed with her husband Adam at her side. She kept trying to tell him something but he kept saying, "Shhh, don't worry now darling, just rest."
"But honey," she whispered, "I need to make a confession before I die. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
"Don't worry about it, sweetie," said Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittany's cheeks. "I already know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"
ROB AND Bruce were fishing from a boat under a bridge. Bruce looked up and saw a funeral procession crossing the bridge.
He stood up, took off his cap and bowed his head. When the procession had passed, he put on his cap, picked up his rod and continued fishing.
"That was downright decent of you, Bruce," said Rob. "I didn't know you had it in you."
"It was the least I could do," replied Bruce. "After all, I was married to her for 40 years."
A COUPLE took their son to a nude beach. The mother sunbathed while the father went for a walk and the son played in the water.
After a while the son came running up to his mum and said, "Mummy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
"The bigger they are, the dumber they are," said the mum.
So the kid went back to play. Five minutes later he came running back and said, "Mummy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
The mum rolled over and said, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."
So the kid went back to play. Ten minutes later he came running back and said, "Mummy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
Amber once bubbled... "So the kid went back to play. Ten minutes later he came running back and said, "Mummy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"
Holy crap Amber, That was totally hilarious!:out:
Here's a cute one-
A mole popped out a mole hole and said "I smell bacon and eggs"
A second mole popped out and said "I smell biscuits and gravy"
The third mole couldn't pop his head because the other two moles were in the way. He said "I smell mole-asses!!!"
On their way to get married a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Cound they possibly get married in heaven?
When St Peter shows up, they ask him. He replys "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out."
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for three months.
While they waited they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in heaven, should they get married, the eternal aspect of it.
"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck together forever??"
After yet another month St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes, you can get married in heaven."
"Great! But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we get a divorce in heaven?"
St Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground. The frightened couple asked what was wrong.
"OH come on!!! It took me three months to find a preacher up here!!Do you have ANY idea how long it's gonna take me to find a lawyer!?!?"
A woman walks into the pharmacy, and somewhat shyly asks the pharmacist; "My husband is having trouble getting an erection, are there any drugs that can help him?"
"Why yes there is.." states the pharamacist, "It's called Viagara, and I use it myself."
The woman asks; "Can you get it over the counter?"
To which the pharmacist replies; "Only if I take two.."
An elderly octogenerian went to see his doctor. The doc asked him "What can I do for you today, Sam?"
"Well Doc," says Sam, "I'd like you to get me a half a prescription for Viagra."
"Viagra?!?.. C'mon, Sam, a man your age has no business thinking about sex." said the Doc.
"Who said anything about sex?" said the old gent, "I just want to quit peein' on my feet."
Rick
"You can have peace, or you can have Freedom. Don't ever count on having both at once." (Heinlein)
"... they saw the deeds of the LORD, his wondrous works in the deep." (Ps107:24)
A young man worked in a drug store for almost a month. Every week, an elderly man would come in and buy a jumbo pack of condoms.
After the month, the younge man couldn't contain his curiosity any longer.
The next time he saw the old man he said, "Why do you buy so much condoms? You must be a pimp to be having so much sex. How do you do it?"
The old man looked at him and said "I find the act of sex highly disgusting younge man!"
The man behind the counter was confused. "Then why do you buy so many condoms every week?" he asked.
"I feed them to my poodle so when he craps, it comes out already in little baggies"
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