Funniest Diving quotes you have heard

[rakpix]

1. it takes nerves to pee in your rented wetsuit, but ...
2. it takes guts to pee in you rented wetsuit, on the boat, and ...
3. it takes balls to pee in your rented wetsuit, at the LDS

 

[3rdgendivegirl]

When asked about Visability the DM responds. "The Visability is as far as you can see"

I seen that from someone else on this board, just couldnt figure out how to reply to it lol sorry still new to this

OMG my dad is going for his DM and I can totally see him saying that to someone. I laughed so hard when i read that i almost cried lol

 

[Herk_Man]

Pearldiver that's the funniest one yet....

In honor of dumb stuff that people believe, I have to tell this.

A couple of years ago after church we asked our kids where they wanted to go for lunch and they said Hooters (yes I get the irony). The Hooters near us is on a small creek and after we had finished eating the kids asked to go look at the water.

Our waitress... (who was qualified to work there!) over hears them and asks.."Would they like some crackers to feed the oysters?" I just sat there, and looked at her, confused, and then politely said "yes???".

I look at my husband and ask.."did she just say crackers to feed the OYSTERS?" He validated that my hearing was not failing. I think she MUST have meant "oyster crackers" to feed the FISH.

She comes back to the table with several packages of Oyster crackers and begins to explain to us that these are SPECIAL crackers for feeding the Oysters. That there is an oyster bed at the end of the dock and you crumble up the crackers and feed them... OK? (Imagine cute tilt of head here)

If I hadn't been so shocked I might have asked her if they detatch from the bed and come up to the surface to snap at the food. However, I just sat there with a stunned look on my face, realizing that this is why drunks should not be allowed "teach" Hooters waitresses anything.

We still joke about the Oyster crackers being "special food" for oysters every time we have them now.

Since we've strayed a bit from scuba stories, I'll tell this. A couple of YEARS ago I ordered artichoke hearts on my pizza. My son, now 14 years old (and a straight A student who is very good at calling me on my Dad tricks), asked about it and I spun a tale of the wiley artichoke from Australia; how their hearts were a delicacy and were only consumed by the bravest of people.

Last WEEK his geography class was discussing Australia. The teacher offered that Australia is known for its unique animal species like the kangaroo, wombat, etc. My son raises his hand and says, "Yes, and the Artichoke." The stunned silence from teacher and students alike followed by his empassioned argument for the existence of this rare beast was, in his teacher's words, absolutely priceless.

Needless to say, the car ride home was a strange mix of feigned anger on his part and fits of tear-bringing laughter on my part that made driving almost impossible.

Kids rock!

 

[Herk_Man]

most commercial airliners pressurize their cabins to 8,000 ft (or slightly lower depending on the plane and altitude flown at).

if you're lucky enough to fly anywhere on a G-V, it's pressurized down to something like 5,000 or 6,000 ft. which helps reduce jet lag.

This line is going to be used on a similar thread on a forum that I frequent with other commercial airline pilots. Jet lag, sheesh.

 

[Herk_Man]

I learned this technique of suit flushing right here on ScubaBoard. Preferably holding onto an anchor line due to buoyancy changing, you go inverted with fins up. Then you shove your octo under your suit at the neck seal, and blast a little air and the air will go through your suit to your feet and suck clean water behind it. The real trick is to grab the ankle cuffs of your suit and pull open to release the air/water or else you shoot to the surface feet first.

Be prepared for cold water blast through the suit, but it really works great.

My preferred method is to simply pull the neck seal open and swim hard allowing water in, and then I push the wave of water through to my feet, but it is not as effective as the octo method.

You are going to die.

 

[Herk_Man]

Non Diver to Diver: "Well, don't you worry that you will be killed by a shark?"
Diver: "Actually, I read that more people are killed every year by donkeys than by sharks."
At this, Non Diver gets an amazed and worried look on his face and says with great concern:
"You mean donkeys are killing people?"

Perhaps I'm just insane but this was my hardest laugh of the entire thread. Wow.

 

[Herk_Man]

Being the FAA person I am, for pilots the max alt. w/o supplemental 02 is 12,500 feet.

For 30 minutes. (AFFSA)

 

[Akimbo]

I always like it when people ask me if "It's cold in there". No, the water's warm, I'm just wearing a drysuit because I think they're sexy.

....

Same question all the time about saturation diving. The answer is: It is always 110° at the injection valve on the suit. Nobody much cares beyond that.

 

[Diver Tim]

Being the FAA person I am, for pilots the max alt. w/o supplemental 02 is 12,500 feet.

For 30 minutes. (AFFSA)

<pedant> The minimum required flight crew must use supplemental oxygen for that portion of the flight between 12,500 and 14,000 that exceeds 30 minutes. (FAR Part 91)</pedant>

 

[Chris Horn]

oh man.....took me over 3.5 hours to read all these. Thanks for the laughs.