Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[DM95]

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).

If you qualify for Senior Discounts these may be the codes for you.

ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC:See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL:Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My - Sorry, Gas.
ROTFL:CGGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT:Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
WMDP: Where's My Darn Phone?
GLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

 

[DiveDocMD]

Bumper sticker sayings
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
5. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
10. You! Off my planet!
11. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
12. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
14. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
15. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
16. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
17. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
18. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
19. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
20. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
22. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
23. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
24. Adults are just kids who owe money.
25. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
26. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
27. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
28. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
29. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
30. You look like ****. Is that the style now?
31. Earth is full. Go home.
32. Is it time for your medication or mine?
33. Does this condom make me look fat?
34. I plead contemporary insanity.
35. And which dwarf are you?
36. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. Meandering to a different drummer.
39. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
40. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

 

[DM95]

CURTAIN RODS ---- PRICELESS

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her
things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their
beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background
music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle
of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited
a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the
curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned
with
his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then s lowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything;
cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead
rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung
everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters,
during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they
even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the
house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.


A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could

not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually
even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
purchase
a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her
the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she
missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce
settlement in exchange for getting the house back. Knowing his ex-wife
had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about
1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign
the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers
delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood
smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to
their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

 

[santafejoe]

As we progress through the year 2011 I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery:

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a cologne sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

 

[pidgiepoo]

Dear God:

For 2011, all I ask for is a big fat bank account and a slim body.
Please do not mix up the two like you did last year.

Amen

 

[Jax]

Dear God:

For 2011, all I ask for is a big fat bank account and a slim body.
Please do not mix up the two like you did last year.

Amen

:spit:

 

[pidgiepoo]

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ..
Doctor: "What happened?"


Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband
comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."


Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband
comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start
swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow.


Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh
and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and
swished, and he didn't touch me!"


Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

 

[DM95]

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:



1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.


To test this theory: Lock your spouse and your dog in the garage for an hour, and then open it and see who's happy to see you.

 

[pidgiepoo]

Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch & you'll have to pee.

Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal & someone always answers.

Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.

Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet & who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies & stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness & cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

The Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But if you don't make an appointment, you'll stay sick.

 

[pidgiepoo]

The Government has issued a travel warning due to the cold weather.


They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should make sure they have the following:

Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Empty gas Can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables


... I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning!