These were posted on an NZ Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
Q: Does it ever get windy in NZ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kiwi birds in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Auckland to Wellington - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q:Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in NZ? Can you send me a list of them in Auckland , Wellington , Christchurch and Queenstown ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in NZ ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . New - Zea - land is that island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Auckland city. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in NZ ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into NZ ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: - New-zea- la is that quaint little country , which is ...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Auckland city , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in NZ ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Auckland and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in NZ who can Dispense spider serum. ( USA )
A: poisonous spiders live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All NZ spiders are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. You should find some for yourself when you get here. Especially the ones with white tails.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in NZ , but I forget its name. It's a kind animal and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in NZ ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Auckland where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in NZ ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in NZ in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Wellington *. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
Q: Does it ever get windy in NZ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kiwi birds in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Auckland to Wellington - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q:Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in NZ? Can you send me a list of them in Auckland , Wellington , Christchurch and Queenstown ? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in NZ ? ( USA )
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . New - Zea - land is that island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Auckland city. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in NZ ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into NZ ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: - New-zea- la is that quaint little country , which is ...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Auckland city , straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in NZ ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Auckland and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in NZ who can Dispense spider serum. ( USA )
A: poisonous spiders live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All NZ spiders are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. You should find some for yourself when you get here. Especially the ones with white tails.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in NZ , but I forget its name. It's a kind animal and lives in trees. ( USA )
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in NZ ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Auckland where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay night clubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in NZ ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in NZ in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Wellington *. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first
