Get both in fact all you to a good councilor asap and work hard at being a partnership
I am in a step family that might not make it......can anyone relate?
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shakeybrainsurgeon
Contributor
The only experience I can draw on is from raising my own two daughters to adulthood. I can say this: the worst period of a young girl's life in terms of discipline is the middle school/junior high years, age 11 to 16 or so. If your stepdaughter is a problem now, at an easy age for girls, you are headed for disaster soon.
Discipline has to be equally from both parents or at least unilaterally from one without the interference from the other. The biggest mistake young parents make is to forget that a child, no matter what age, is still human and thus can be quite devious and smart in manipulating any situation to their advantage. A child wll always gravitate to the easier disciplinarian. Moreover, in your case, it is entirely possible that the whole strategy of the child is to get rid of you, perhaps to pave the way for what every child of divorced parents wants: for their "real" parents to reconcile. Conversely, unless mentally ill, the child soon figures out when the "hammer" has come down and their antics no longer work.
Parenting is the most difficult thing I have ever done. To be a parent means to put your needs second, to die, if necessary, for the sake of the child, even if the child is not what we hoped he or she might be. Being a parent doesn't just mean going to ball games or getting ice cream, but also (like the parents of the accused craigslist killer) visiting them in jail, or, like my grandmother, pushing them around in a wheelchair because her son was born with cerebral palsy. If you don't get this, you can't be a parent, not really. You can't be "kind of" a parent any more than you can be "sort of" an airline pilot or an "occasional" heart surgeon. A parent doesn't just have a mouth to feed, but has a life to mold, a future to craft, a heart to comfort. And being a step parent must be the hardest thing of all. Are you up to it?
Either you are this child's "father" now, or not. If you are not, you shouldn't be there. The girl doesn't need an adult housemate. If you are, then start acting like one. Not just by disciplining her. Do you play tea parties with her? Do you read her to sleep? Do you watch her favorite shows with her? Do you watch her ride her bike? Do you take her shopping? To most men, this is like poking ourselves in the eyes, but in my case, I bonded with my daughters in shopping malls as they spent hours looking at shoes. If you are willing to do this, they start to see you really are a dad. No one but a dad wastes an entire Saturday looking at backpacks and skirts. She will start to listen to you as a dad if she starts to see and feel you act like a dad. If you are not allowed to, by your wife, then the problem isn't the child, it is with her. If doing these things doesn't appeal to you, you got yourself into the wrong situation. Unfortunately for the child, if you bail out, what lesson does she learn? That's it's okay to bail out of situations if they get a little tough? How can a seven year old learn self-discipline if the thirty year olds in her life seem to have none? After all, she can't leave. She can only act like a brat.
Discipline has to be equally from both parents or at least unilaterally from one without the interference from the other. The biggest mistake young parents make is to forget that a child, no matter what age, is still human and thus can be quite devious and smart in manipulating any situation to their advantage. A child wll always gravitate to the easier disciplinarian. Moreover, in your case, it is entirely possible that the whole strategy of the child is to get rid of you, perhaps to pave the way for what every child of divorced parents wants: for their "real" parents to reconcile. Conversely, unless mentally ill, the child soon figures out when the "hammer" has come down and their antics no longer work.
Parenting is the most difficult thing I have ever done. To be a parent means to put your needs second, to die, if necessary, for the sake of the child, even if the child is not what we hoped he or she might be. Being a parent doesn't just mean going to ball games or getting ice cream, but also (like the parents of the accused craigslist killer) visiting them in jail, or, like my grandmother, pushing them around in a wheelchair because her son was born with cerebral palsy. If you don't get this, you can't be a parent, not really. You can't be "kind of" a parent any more than you can be "sort of" an airline pilot or an "occasional" heart surgeon. A parent doesn't just have a mouth to feed, but has a life to mold, a future to craft, a heart to comfort. And being a step parent must be the hardest thing of all. Are you up to it?
Either you are this child's "father" now, or not. If you are not, you shouldn't be there. The girl doesn't need an adult housemate. If you are, then start acting like one. Not just by disciplining her. Do you play tea parties with her? Do you read her to sleep? Do you watch her favorite shows with her? Do you watch her ride her bike? Do you take her shopping? To most men, this is like poking ourselves in the eyes, but in my case, I bonded with my daughters in shopping malls as they spent hours looking at shoes. If you are willing to do this, they start to see you really are a dad. No one but a dad wastes an entire Saturday looking at backpacks and skirts. She will start to listen to you as a dad if she starts to see and feel you act like a dad. If you are not allowed to, by your wife, then the problem isn't the child, it is with her. If doing these things doesn't appeal to you, you got yourself into the wrong situation. Unfortunately for the child, if you bail out, what lesson does she learn? That's it's okay to bail out of situations if they get a little tough? How can a seven year old learn self-discipline if the thirty year olds in her life seem to have none? After all, she can't leave. She can only act like a brat.
BabyDuck
Contributor
very nice post, shakey.
scubafool
Contributor
When my wife and I got married, my stepson was almost four, and his father had to have been the Devil. No way that he got whatever it was that he had from his mother. All 3 of us went through several years of grief before we got it straightened out.
My situation differed from yours, though, in that I never had any doubts about whether I could be or wanted to be a father to him. I have always loved being around kids, and I knew that behind that stratospheric temper was an intelligent, loving boy. Also, my wife knew that she needed help with him, so we managed to present a united front.
Anyway, on to my thoughts on your situation. The first thing that you need to do is decide if you want to be a parent to the daughter and a husband to the mother. Because if you aren't willing to dedicate yourself to both, you aren't going to be very effective at either.
Then, you need to work on rebuilding your relationship with your wife. You are going to have to tell her where you are coming from. It sounds as though you have some personal problems with how you are reacting to the situation. Do you feel like you can talk to her about them, or do you feel that she would be judgemental and critical? She needs to be willing to listen to and consider your issues with her daughter, and you in turn will have to accept that her daughter won't always be held to your standards. You will also have to build a relationship with your stepdaughter. This might be the hardest part for you, it seems. But look for something, anything, that is a common interest for the two of you, and try to do that with her, or at least start talking to her about it. Kids are pretty good at picking up on insincereity, so don't try to act like you love Hannah Montana music.
Remember that your stepdaughter never asked to be born to parents that couldn't stay together, never asked to become your stepdaughter, etc.
Counseling might very well be in order, and it is not something to be ashamed about. Walking out of this without making every effort to make it work is.
For me, becoming a stepfather has been more than worth the heartache. I hope that you, too, can say the same 10 years from now. Best wishes.
My situation differed from yours, though, in that I never had any doubts about whether I could be or wanted to be a father to him. I have always loved being around kids, and I knew that behind that stratospheric temper was an intelligent, loving boy. Also, my wife knew that she needed help with him, so we managed to present a united front.
Anyway, on to my thoughts on your situation. The first thing that you need to do is decide if you want to be a parent to the daughter and a husband to the mother. Because if you aren't willing to dedicate yourself to both, you aren't going to be very effective at either.
Then, you need to work on rebuilding your relationship with your wife. You are going to have to tell her where you are coming from. It sounds as though you have some personal problems with how you are reacting to the situation. Do you feel like you can talk to her about them, or do you feel that she would be judgemental and critical? She needs to be willing to listen to and consider your issues with her daughter, and you in turn will have to accept that her daughter won't always be held to your standards. You will also have to build a relationship with your stepdaughter. This might be the hardest part for you, it seems. But look for something, anything, that is a common interest for the two of you, and try to do that with her, or at least start talking to her about it. Kids are pretty good at picking up on insincereity, so don't try to act like you love Hannah Montana music.
Remember that your stepdaughter never asked to be born to parents that couldn't stay together, never asked to become your stepdaughter, etc.
Counseling might very well be in order, and it is not something to be ashamed about. Walking out of this without making every effort to make it work is.
For me, becoming a stepfather has been more than worth the heartache. I hope that you, too, can say the same 10 years from now. Best wishes.
OP
ewaiea
Contributor
I want you all to know....the main reason I was apprehensive about talking with my wife about all this is because I'm afraid to hurt the feelings of both my wife and step daughter. I have a feeling that this is going to be something that will pass, but I am still figuring it out as to whether my feelings warrant a serious conversation. Just yesterday we went on a hike and a trail run (all three of us) and today we went tide pooling. We had a blast both days and I really felt at ease. I was thinking about all of you and your thoughtful kind advice you all took time to give me.
My doubts and concerns regarding ME are thoughts I have when I'm not at home - at least most of the time. But when I am home and I see my step daughters art work that she does for both of us (me and my wife) and I see our photos it truly pains me to think that I could possibly have doubts, and that these doubts could tear apart a happy household. If I was to be asked the simple question of, "what is it that you want?" I do not think I could give a legitimate answer. Because if they were to leave my life I would think about them alot and always wonder about their well-being. That alone means alot to me and says I need to be here in this life, not some place else. There's no secret here, everyone's situation in life is not necessarily ideal. Mine to be honest would be one that many would line up for. I have a decent job, my wife makes a decent living too. We have a little one that we have things in common with (heck she'll probably pick up diving in the next couple of years), my wife plays golf with me, we have an open enough relationship that I can still go on a dive trip once per year by myself (since she doesn't dive) and I'm also fine with her taking camping trips or other trips to the mainland without me if I can't work it out timewise. We are very close and I could not want anything more. I wonder about my independence sometimes, I won't lie, and it's true that I am not as much a kid person as I should be, but this is my one chance to make an impression and be a father figure. I need to take that seriously. There are some things in life bigger than yourself. Does this mean that we'll all live happily ever after and that this will be my last post, probably not. But it is an update to tell you all that you've got me thinking on the right track and I am making an effort to get better mentally. The problem is with no one but me. If things get bad I will make sure that my wife knows and we will be talking in depth about these feelings but I love her too much to shake her confidence and her emotions for something that's probably nothing.
I have recieved alot of support here and for that I'm greatful. I will be taking your advice very seriously and if you all would like, perhaps I'll put up a couple of updates here or there.
My doubts and concerns regarding ME are thoughts I have when I'm not at home - at least most of the time. But when I am home and I see my step daughters art work that she does for both of us (me and my wife) and I see our photos it truly pains me to think that I could possibly have doubts, and that these doubts could tear apart a happy household. If I was to be asked the simple question of, "what is it that you want?" I do not think I could give a legitimate answer. Because if they were to leave my life I would think about them alot and always wonder about their well-being. That alone means alot to me and says I need to be here in this life, not some place else. There's no secret here, everyone's situation in life is not necessarily ideal. Mine to be honest would be one that many would line up for. I have a decent job, my wife makes a decent living too. We have a little one that we have things in common with (heck she'll probably pick up diving in the next couple of years), my wife plays golf with me, we have an open enough relationship that I can still go on a dive trip once per year by myself (since she doesn't dive) and I'm also fine with her taking camping trips or other trips to the mainland without me if I can't work it out timewise. We are very close and I could not want anything more. I wonder about my independence sometimes, I won't lie, and it's true that I am not as much a kid person as I should be, but this is my one chance to make an impression and be a father figure. I need to take that seriously. There are some things in life bigger than yourself. Does this mean that we'll all live happily ever after and that this will be my last post, probably not. But it is an update to tell you all that you've got me thinking on the right track and I am making an effort to get better mentally. The problem is with no one but me. If things get bad I will make sure that my wife knows and we will be talking in depth about these feelings but I love her too much to shake her confidence and her emotions for something that's probably nothing.
I have recieved alot of support here and for that I'm greatful. I will be taking your advice very seriously and if you all would like, perhaps I'll put up a couple of updates here or there.
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