Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here
- Thread starter sandshaker
- Start date
Please register or login
Welcome to ScubaBoard, the world's largest scuba diving community. Registration is not required to read the forums, but we encourage you to join. Joining has its benefits and enables you to participate in the discussions.
Benefits of registering include
- Ability to post and comment on topics and discussions.
- A Free photo gallery to share your dive photos with the world.
- You can make this box go away
m3830431
Contributor
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in, waving guns and yelling for everyone to freeze.
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"
The first lawyer replies, "it's the $100 I owe you."
While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, and other valuables.
While this is going on, one of the lawyers jams something into the other lawyer's hand. Without looking down, the second lawyer whispers, "What is this?"
The first lawyer replies, "it's the $100 I owe you."
dive bandit
Contributor
ohhhhhhh so true
santafejoe
Contributor
: that s a good one
Deefstes
Contributor
- Messages
- 1,396
- Reaction score
- 49
- # of dives
- 100 - 199
In his last will and testament Michael Jackson has apparently left his body to medical science for study.
Medical science is contesting the will.
Medical science is contesting the will.
mlkco
Contributor
Terminal
The sick Mexican husband was lying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales.
He dearly loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his querida Chita 's tamales.
With every last bit of the energy left in his mind and body, the terminally ill husband pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen.
Here, his wife was removing the fresh batch of tamales from the stove top. As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his Corazon, Chita , smacked him in the back of the head with a wooden spoon: 'Leave them alone, pendejo! 'They're for the funeral!'
The sick Mexican husband was lying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled tamales.
He dearly loved tamales more than anything else in the world, especially his querida Chita 's tamales.
With every last bit of the energy left in his mind and body, the terminally ill husband pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen.
Here, his wife was removing the fresh batch of tamales from the stove top. As he reached for one of the freshly made tamales, his Corazon, Chita , smacked him in the back of the head with a wooden spoon: 'Leave them alone, pendejo! 'They're for the funeral!'
mlkco
Contributor
Try reading this without laughing I borrowed this from anouther site
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety
WAY TOO COOL
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing . . . I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME !
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right ?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently ( trusting little soul ) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie ( for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and ( loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries ) thinking to myself, 'no possible way !'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best . . .
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
IT HURT LIKE HELL. . .
A minute or so later ( I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point, ), I collected my wits ( what little I had left ), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I **** on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return..
P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, Loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it. If you think education is difficult, Try being stupid....
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety
WAY TOO COOL
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing . . . I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME !
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right ?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently ( trusting little soul ) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie ( for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and ( loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries ) thinking to myself, 'no possible way !'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best . . .
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
IT HURT LIKE HELL. . .
A minute or so later ( I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point, ), I collected my wits ( what little I had left ), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I **** on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return..
P.S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, Loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it. If you think education is difficult, Try being stupid....
sandmanz32
Contributor
Since Micheal Jackson's body was 99% plastic, upon his death he will be melted down and reformed into Legos. Now the kids can play with him for a change.
pidgiepoo
Contributor
sandmanz32
Contributor
got that in a text yesterday, couldn't resist.
Similar threads
