Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[msbrew]

[FONT=&quot]AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT]'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little JoeyPagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may aswell tell me now.​

Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that … [FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'​

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

 

[msbrew]

[FONT=&quot]> Blonde at the Country Club
> -------------------------
>
> A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their
> weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a
> beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached
> them.
>
> She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a
> round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the
> trio whether she could join them.
>
> Naturally, the guys all agreed.
>
> Smiling,the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in
> a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of
> you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color
> stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round
> together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself
> pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'
>
> With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.
>
> All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place
> her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270
> yards down the middle, right in front of the green.
>
> The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said.
>
> The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into
> it, and I faded it a little.'
>
> After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the
> blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet
> of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)
>
> The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.'
>
> The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an
> easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little
> putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.
>
> Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the
> heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in
> the middle of the fairway.
>
> For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze
> the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on
> every hole.
>
> When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under
> par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a
> par.
>
> She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you
> all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what
> club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69
> and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.
>
> If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll
> take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt
> Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him
> a very good time the rest of the night.'
>
> The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green,
> carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim
> about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will
> get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'
>
> The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a
> plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly
> 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little
> hogback, so it falls into the cup.'
>
> The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball,
> picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme,
> sweetheart.'
>
> The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'
>
> OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!
>
>

[/FONT]

 

[santafejoe]

.


















Things In Life




1. I wish my GPS had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.

5. There is a great need for sarcasm font.


6. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.


7. How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?


8. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.


9. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.


10. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.


11. Was learning cursive really necessary?


12. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.


13. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?


14. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!


15. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on step #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.


16. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

0D

17. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.


18. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.


19. Bad decisions and bad experiences make good stories


20. Is it just me or do high school girls look ****tier & ****tier every year?


21. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.


22. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.


23. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.


24. I hate leaving my house confident an d looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

25. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.


26. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

27. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.


28. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.


29. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

 

[mike_s]

Home Depot Scam


A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.
This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your supplies into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they
start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen August 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also September 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 10th, 13th, 16th & 22nd, three times this morning
and very likely again tomorrow.

So tell your friends to be careful.




P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out. Also, you never will get to eat at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth to Home Depot.




Be careful out there

 

[Cave Diver]

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for 2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for $1.99 at K-Mart and bought them out.

Pffftttt.... I quit carrying a wallet after the first time. Now I just mention that keep my money in my right front pants pocket.

 

[mike_s]

Pffftttt.... I quit carrying a wallet after the first time. Now I just mention that keep my money in my right front pants pocket.

I bet you cut a hole in that pocket also.

 

[Cave Diver]

I bet you cut a hole in that pocket also.

You just won yourself a nickel little boy.

 

[pidgiepoo]

You just won yourself a nickel little boy.

Would that be a "wooden" nickel??

 

[santafejoe]

Pffftttt.... I quit carrying a wallet after the first time. Now I just mention that keep my money in my right front pants pocket.

 

[crd_kats]

Pffftttt.... I quit carrying a wallet after the first time. Now I just mention that keep my money in my right front pants pocket.

I bet you cut a hole in that pocket also.

You just won yourself a nickel little boy.

Hope it didn't come from that pocket.