Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[Jax]

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection,
Make him a sandwich .
________________________________________

**** I needed that!!! :lol:

:rofl4:

 

[pidgiepoo]

History's top 10 times for appropriate use of the F-word:
>
> 10th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
>
> 9th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
>
> 8th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
>
> 7th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
>
> 6th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
>
> 5th - "Where the f*** are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
>
> 4th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
>
> 3rd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945
>
> 2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963
>
> And ... drum roll ...,,,,,..
>
> The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word ....
>
> "Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is going to find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009

 

[santafejoe]

Just in case you need a laugh:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one--- a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.


After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.....


Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a "P") and the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers (marked with an "S").


By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[naick]

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

I have tears in my eyes from laughing!


EDIT: a few hours later I still laugh when I think about it!

 

[pidgiepoo]

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
>
>
> 2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
>
>
> 3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
>
>
> 4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
>

"Bubba,
Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
> Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman this morning and
> messed him up bad... I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell
> from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
> Better wait outside. Be right back.
> Cooter"

 

[pidgiepoo]

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his
gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank
of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry,
then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)

 

[msbrew]

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Children Writing About the Ocean... Hysterical!

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't have[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Richardson. She's not my friend anymore. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an ******* on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.
(William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like,really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]​

 

[Deefstes]

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

These are my favourite two. I've seen these before but it just cracked me up again.

 

[Jax]

A man was in a doctor's office and the doctor walked in and said, "ok what do you need today, sir?

The man pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his beat up, bruised, and cut-up penis. The doctor said, "Good Lord, man, how did you do that?"

The man explains, "Well, I live in a trailer, and every night, at exactally 9:00pm, I have noticed that the woman in the trailer next to mine moves her rug where there is a hole in the floor, she sticks a sausage in the hole, and pleases herself with it. One day I got an idea at 8:55pm I would go under her trailer and when she put the sausage in the hole I would pull it out and stick my penis in the hole."

He continues, "That was working well until last -- it was going great until someone knocked on the door and she tried to kick it under the oven!"

 

[ScubaTigress]

Just in case you need a laugh:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one--- a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.


After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.....


Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a "P") and the solutions recorded by the maintenance engineers (marked with an "S").


By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

this NEVER gets old