Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[pidgiepoo]

The Montana Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed
a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOV’T AGENT:
“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”

RANCHER:
”Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of
all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and
I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life.
He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

GOV’T AGENT:
“That’s the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.”

RANCHER:
“That would be me.”

 

[DM95]

 

[jupitermermaid]

How children perceive their grandparents:

1.She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under
the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times
before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one
said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"
I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing
the toilet paper good-bye....

2. My young
grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how
old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then
he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After
putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and
a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children
getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she
threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them
back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the
three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was
THAT?"

4. A
grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was
like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a
tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked
wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl
was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd
gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson
was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and
God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how
are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little
girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She
told him she was writing a story.
"What's it
about?" he asked.
"I don't
know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't
know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test
her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell
me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she
headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to
figure out some of these colors yourself!"

8. When my
grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off
until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few
fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered,
"It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with
flashlights."

9. When my
grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not
sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised
"Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second
grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma,
guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother,
more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's
interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's
simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add
'es'."

11. Children's
Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a
teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't
you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure,"
said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A
grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a
fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a
Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use
him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No,"
said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child
brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said
firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A
6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said,
"she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her.
Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the
airport."

14. Grandpa is
the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to
see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My
Grandparents are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they
blame their dog.

 

[DM95]

Physics Question:

You are on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop off.

And on your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is an angry Lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly, dangerous situation?

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>Stop drinking and get off the carousel!

 

[jupitermermaid]

An elderly couple are attending church services... About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.

It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

 

[pidgiepoo]

When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure,

When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,

When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.


Warn all your friends

 

[pidgiepoo]

Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS, PLEASE.

Cashier: WOULD YOU LIKE A PAPER BAG WITH THAT, SIR?

Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!

 

[DM95]

 

[sctom]

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see.... Size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache..'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

 

[santafejoe]

Where did “piss poor” come from ?
Us older people need to learn something new every day..
just to keep the grey matter tuned up.

Where did "Piss Poor" come from?
Interesting History.
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot
and then once a day it was taken and sold to the tannery...
.if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...
they "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature
isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500s

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,
and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell,
brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,
then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.
Last of all the babies.
By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals
(mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
could mess up your nice clean bed.
Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery
in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing.
As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door,
it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way.
Hence: a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.
Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables
and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers
in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.
Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme:
“Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old”.
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."
They would cut off a little to share with guests
and would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter.
Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food,
causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes,
so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status..
Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
and guests got the top, or the upper crust.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.
The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days.
Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around
and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom; “of holding a wake”.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.
So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave.
When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks
on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.
So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin
and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.
Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift.)
to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be,
“saved by the bell” or was “considered a dead ringer”.

And that's the truth.
Now, whoever said History was boring!!!
So get out there and educate someone! ~~~
Share these facts with a friend.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,
'What the heck happened?'

We'll be friends until we are old and senile.
Then we'll be new friends.
“Smile”,
it gives your face something to do!