Bullied under water

[Tritonette]

I am in a very emotionally somewhat frightened situation. I am a tough person to a certain point.
Just moved to Kona a year ago and my husband and I have been certified for 3 years. I have 50 plus dives under my belt and feel confident to dive in most situations while always thinking of safety. My brother in law and sister have introduced us a year ago to their dive group in which we became friends on a boat and on shore dives. I was certified by a dive repair shop owner here in Kona and he was an excellent teacher. We are all dive buddies. Starting early last year I was picking up a conch shell to see if it had an animal in it and from behind my brother in law as hard as he could grabbed my hands and threw the shell down on the ground underwater. I was in shock. I surfaced and later told him that I should have a right to touch a shell as others carefully look and place back. He was not sorry and he laughed. The second incident was 6 months later which again as I was on the bottom watching some filer fish swim around their holes/eggs, I was 15 ft. away from their holes and he came up beside me and yanked my side/arm and swam as fast as he could in the opposite direction. I was shocked and thought there was an emergency/shark or something. He let go and swam away. My sister was filming all this. He boasted on board before I surfaced that he didn't like me near the eggs and I was creeping towards the holes. I was so embarrassed how I was treated now twice physically. I asked for him to stop and just to tap my shoulder if I am doing something he doesn't like. No real promise of security and peace of mind. One last incident was that we all brought small shells to the surface; one of mine had a small hermit crab inside which I didn't see before I took out of the water. He yelled at me in the parking lot and told me to return the shell to the ocean. I was so embarrassed as he also stated I was not going to be a part of the diving group anymore. All the incidents were when my husband was not present on the dives. I am dismayed by the unprofessional behavior but also shocked that the other divers continue to keep diving with someone that is so controlling and treats others this way. I have tried talking with my sister but he has yelled at her before as well. We are looking for a nice group or people to dive with in Kona at this time. I am saddened by these events because I really enjoyed all the other 8-11 divers in the group.

 

[Chugwhump]

Find another group.
As far as your brother in law goes, it is basic psychology.
He is a jerk.

Chug
Does not not spend personal time with jerks even if someone in my family married them.

 

[Jax]

What Chug said.

He is being physically and mentally abusive. He has no right to touch you or tell you what to do. Refuse to dive with the group any time he is part of it. Try asking others to dive with you but be clear you do not want to be around him.

He cannot continue that behavior without your permission. Inform your husband - show him this thread. Tell the ***hole as firmly as you can, in front of witnesses, that you will not dive with him any more and that he is not to assault you any more. Yes, use the word 'assault'. This abuser has targeted you and it will continue until you do something about it.

 

[DandyDon]

Just don't dive with the jerk, but I think the family problem is much bigger than that. Families have problems and sometimes we have to choose to totally avoid some relatives.

 

[diving4ever]

I'm with Doc. Find new Dive buddies. You cannot be enjoying diving with this 5th grade psycho.
As an aside, I often discourage people from taking shells from the ocean. But I have NEVER had to raise my voice or grab anyone. That behavior is abnormal.
Good luck!

 

[drrich2]

You know the old saying that leopards don't change their spots? I wouldn't be surprised if once it gets around that you're avoiding diving with him, he tries to apologize or some such.

I'd suggest not diving with him regardless. It's not about hating or trying to 'get at' somebody. It's about figuring out that interaction with a given person is bad for you, and avoiding it.

Some people are intrusive/dictatorial alpha male types. You will have to decide for yourself whether you find dealing with them on a non-compulsory basis acceptable.

When you were a kid, there were probably lots of times you didn't have much choice in whom you associated with. Now you're an adult, and the option to walk away from people you don't like (outside the workplace) is one of the perks.

Richard.

 

[Tritonette]

Thanks for the support. I don't take any live animals at all and after you have seen many of the same kinds of shells I just look. Grabbing hard and hitting a shell down is wrong and the behavior is abnormal. My sister states he has a sensitivity to animals. Why does the brother in law pick up a conch shell and place a sea urchin under it then? He touches the conch shell and watches it eat the urchin. It's been a month and we heard of a Jack's Dive Locker Dive Group that we are going to join. Thanks again.

---------- Post added January 3rd, 2014 at 04:10 PM ----------

I agree. Thanks for the support.

 

[80 Proof Divers]

Your Brother-In-Law has mental issues with being abusive. I hope your Sister doesn't feel the end result of an abusive husband.

My oldest Daughter has had her check bone broken by a mallet as the result of a controlling and abusive behavior by the hand of her Husband. I for one would enjoy showing him to the depths of the abyss.

I agree with the others that have posted, that you should just keep your distance and stay in touch with your Sister. I know that this will be difficult with family but you need to protect yourself. Just imagine if this was happening to one of your kids.

Wish you the best of luck.

Aloha,
Indy at 80 Proof Divers - 80 Proof Divers

 

[kydaka]

The Guy's a dick, let your husband know and never dive with this guy again......if he asks why not.... Just tell him, 'cause your a dick'

 

[Bob DBF]

Tell the other 8-11 divers, may be thay have had enough of his behavior as well. If they like his attitude towards other divers, find a better group.

In any event, I would not take that behavior from anyone, and I wouldn't expect anyone else to take that crap.

Chug, Jax, and DandyDon pointed out it may be a family problem, I'd add that you should resolve the problem before it gets closer to home, your home.



Bob
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I may be old, but I'm not dead yet.