Bullied under water

[billt4sf]

Bullying someone (underwater, or above water) is not appropriate.

Responding to bullies with threats of violence is not appropriate behavior, either!

Avoid the guy but keep the lines of communication open with your sister. It could be important down the line, if his bullying behavior somehow escalates. Report any actual violence to the cops.

There are many good dive buddies out there. Have a nice day.

- Bill

 

[dmoore19]

You shouldn't put up with being treated like that. However I don't think going Mike Nelson and cutting his air hose is the right response either.

 

[Colliam7]

As far as your brother in law goes, it is basic psychology. He is a jerk.

I DISAGREE. No offense, but you are being far too kind.

This guy is a platinum status *******.

I have tried talking with my sister but he has yelled at her before as well.

I do not know what the nature of your relationship with your sister is - presumably it is very good. Nor, do I know if you and your husband socialize with the sister / brother-in-law outside of diving, where he might possibly display some socially redeeming qualities. And, there are usually two sides to every issue, and your brother-in-law may tell a different story.

But, taking your description at face value, if my wife had an encounter like that with one of her 4 brothers-in-law, she would calmly tell her sister, in very sympathetic, non-threatening, sisterly, and endearing terms - 'Your husband is a world class *******! Were you out of your [expletive deleted] mind when you married this abomination? I want nothing more to do with him, even if it means that you and I will not see much of each other. Lose him before he does something really dangerous.'

Fortunately, I get along very well with all my brothers-in-law.

 

[divin'dog]

... If he bullies you elsewhere, avoid him as much as it takes.

I would have to respectfully disagree with you DD... Avoidance means you have to make sure the bully is nowhere around where you might like to be or letting the bully control where you can feel comfortable. If you're avoiding a bully, you are being bullied in that act itself. Think of a school kid who has to look over his/her shoulder in the hallways or after school to avoid a bully. The bully is not around but the effects of the bullying is being felt.

Looking for the right answer for the OP's situation on a scuba forum is probably not the right place... We're just divers. Her situation just happens to involve diving with a bully of sorts. I don't believe in escalation but I do believe in confronting the bully in the right way. What is that way? Depends... I know what I would do but she is not me. What would work for me might not work for her (unless she has a helluva good right cross... juuust kidding). If the OP has already tried to talk to this person and the bullying has continued, then you can count out the fact that the bully was blissfully unaware of his actions. He is doing it purposefully. Right now it seems she's alone to deal with this. Not good. Sister won't do anything, husband is passive, others in dive group? Could be that divers in the group notice the situation but have kept their distance thinking it's family or none of their business...

 

[Jim Lapenta]

Or the SOB has them scared as well. In any case he needs straightened out. One way or another.

 

[TGS]

You stated that the incidents only happened when your husband was not present. This shows your bother in law is a true coward trying to intimidate someone he thinks won't bite back! If you stand firm and make it very clear you will not tolerate his negative behavior I believe he will more than likely back down.

 

[DandyDon]

I would have to respectfully disagree with you DD... Avoidance means you have to make sure the bully is nowhere around where you might like to be or letting the bully control where you can feel comfortable. If you're avoiding a bully, you are being bullied in that act itself. Think of a school kid who has to look over his/her shoulder in the hallways or after school to avoid a bully. The bully is not around but the effects of the bullying is being felt.

I think it's reasonable to avoid diving with him. There are other dive groups and charters and/or go diving only when her husband can go as her bud. If he pulls something at a family gathering, leave and refuse to go back while he is going to be there. I think she already escalated the problem on FB by sending her sis a link to this thread: "See!" It's one thing to not accept unacceptable behavior, but antagonizing a situation is different. If her sis has problems with him, those are their problems; trying to fix theirs is a controlling aspect of co-dependency.

If it gets worse, call the cops. They'll send lots of backup as domestic issues are unpredictable. Often the person who calls ends up defending the person they called about, etc.

I remember school bullies. An older, larger one in my small town football program & I didn't get along, but I couldn't avoid him without quitting - so he got his buddy to hold me while he beat me, or so the story goes. I never regained a memory of that. Cops should have been called on him but that would have killed the season, so some other actions were taken I think. It's been decades, but if either of them showed up at a school reunion, I'd leave.

Or the SOB has them scared as well. In any case he needs straightened out. One way or another.

If so, be the first person who won't get on the boat with him.

 

[Scared Silly]

Actually in my mind he is not family. He's an in law that made himself an outlaw and so you can pick family. To her he is nothing. He's just the guy sleeping with her sister.

If he was not family member I doubt that he would have done what has been described to another member of the dive group. Quite simply what has been describe is assault.

 

[Capnhook]

I grew up in a household with a piece of crap like this guy. I know I might be projecting a bit, but I believe I recognize some of the character traits from my own experience. I probably suffered more than I could have because I wouldn't cower or run away from this tool. I don't think you should either. I can't say with certainty, but in many cases of domestic abuse, the abuser will go to great lengths to try and isolate their victim. His behaviour towards you could be this. Don't let this guy isolate you from your sister. Don't let him influence your life either. If you enjoy this group, then he needs to leave, not you. If your husband doesn't have the stones to stand up for you, then you can do it yourself. I know some posters have suggested some rash underwater things that could get you in serious legal trouble. Guys like this aren't nearly as brave and tough when they get called on their BS. Call a meeting of your dive group to address this behaviour. Do whatever you can to get his rear end tossed out of the group. Good luck!

 

[Nemrod]

I am in a very emotionally somewhat frightened situation. I am a tough person to a certain point.
Just moved to Kona a year ago and my husband and I have been certified for 3 years. I have 50 plus dives under my belt and feel confident to dive in most situations while always thinking of safety. My brother in law and sister have introduced us a year ago to their dive group in which we became friends on a boat and on shore dives. I was certified by a dive repair shop owner here in Kona and he was an excellent teacher. We are all dive buddies. Starting early last year I was picking up a conch shell to see if it had an animal in it and from behind my brother in law as hard as he could grabbed my hands and threw the shell down on the ground underwater. I was in shock. I surfaced and later told him that I should have a right to touch a shell as others carefully look and place back. He was not sorry and he laughed. The second incident was 6 months later which again as I was on the bottom watching some filer fish swim around their holes/eggs, I was 15 ft. away from their holes and he came up beside me and yanked my side/arm and swam as fast as he could in the opposite direction. I was shocked and thought there was an emergency/shark or something. He let go and swam away. My sister was filming all this. He boasted on board before I surfaced that he didn't like me near the eggs and I was creeping towards the holes. I was so embarrassed how I was treated now twice physically. I asked for him to stop and just to tap my shoulder if I am doing something he doesn't like. No real promise of security and peace of mind. One last incident was that we all brought small shells to the surface; one of mine had a small hermit crab inside which I didn't see before I took out of the water. He yelled at me in the parking lot and told me to return the shell to the ocean. I was so embarrassed as he also stated I was not going to be a part of the diving group anymore. All the incidents were when my husband was not present on the dives. I am dismayed by the unprofessional behavior but also shocked that the other divers continue to keep diving with someone that is so controlling and treats others this way. I have tried talking with my sister but he has yelled at her before as well. We are looking for a nice group or people to dive with in Kona at this time. I am saddened by these events because I really enjoyed all the other 8-11 divers in the group.

Wow, you must be really upset to be all in bold.

Well, touching critters aside, your relative could use other means to discuss and educate you, if indeed you need any, other than hitting and pushing you. Perhaps if you or your husband punch him square in the nose next time he hits you he will stop. I have found, long ago, that works very well at discouraging bullies. Or, find somebody else to dive with.

N