Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[pidgiepoo]

> >>> What is Confidence?
> >>>
> >>> A Navy Pilot (a Top Gun type) walks into a bar and takes a
> >>> seat next to a very attractive woman.
> >>> He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch
> >>> for a moment.
> >>>
> >>> The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running
> >>> late?"
> >>>
> >>> “No," he replies, "I just got this
> >>> state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."
> >>>
> >>> The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?
> >>> What's so special about it?"
> >>>
> >>> The Pilot says, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me
> >>> telepathically."
> >>>
> >>> The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
> >>>
> >>> “Well, it says you're not wearing any
> >>> panties...."
> >>>
> >>> The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken
> >>> because I am wearing panties!"
> >>>
> >>> The Fighter Pilot smirks, taps his watch and says,
> >>> "Damn thing's an hour fast."
> >>>
> >>> And That Is Confidence.

 

[Jax]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.

He didn't explain, defend, or deny.

He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... walked home... and left it there all night.

You gotta love George.

 

[Jax]

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.
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Three members of a golf club were arguing loudly while the fourth member of their group lay dead in a bunker. A club official was called to calm the row.

"What's the trouble here?" he asked.

"My partner has had a stroke, and these two bastards want to add it to my score."

 

[Jax]

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https://www.thinkgeek.com/product/ef0b/

 

[MaxBottomtime]

 

[pidgiepoo]

When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different.
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

---------- Post added July 21st, 2014 at 09:56 AM ----------

Two good ol' boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the chicken processing plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and bang your wife while you was off huntin' and she got knocked up and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"

 

[pidgiepoo]

In a dark and hazy room, peering intently into a crystal ball, the Gypsy
> Mystic delivered extremely grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you
> this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will
> die a violent and horrible death this year."
>
> Visibly shaken and with tears starting to appear in the corners of her
> eyes, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering
> candle, then down at her hands. She brushed away the tears, took a few deep
> breaths to compose herself, and to stop her mind from racing. She simply had
> to know.
>
> She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I
> be acquitted?"

 

[eponym]

 

[pidgiepoo]

woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and I noticed a robber, sneaking through my next door neighbor's garden.

Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.

He then dug a hole and put the body in it and covered it. Astonished I got back into bed.



Terry, my lovely wife said “ Warren, you're shaking, what is it?”



'You'll never believe what I've just seen', I said, ‘That son of a bitch next door still has my shovel !’

 

[MaxBottomtime]