Diving when your SO won’t

[drrich2]

I love diving; my wife got her OW and Nitrox cert.s and 'dabbled' years ago, but was content with a few dives a trip and she hasn't dove since well before getting pregnant with our now 7-year old. Practically speaking, she's a non-diver, and of course the 7-year old is.

Some couples make diving 'their' thing - I know of one who only dive together.

Having different interests is fine. There is more to it with a traveling recreational scuba hobby, though.

1.) Solo trips let you maximize diving, and I have been blessed to do a number of these. This leaves the spouse dealing with the kid and pets alone, spends significant money on the pleasure of one person, and both parties need to get past jealousy. The typical dive destination does not feature the cast of Baywatch back and forth along a beautiful sandy beach. Traveling alone means buddy diving, group diving or solo diving unless you take a dive buddy with you.
Tres Pelicanos & Casa Mexicana, Cozumel Sept. 2018 Report - Tres Pelicanos/Casa Mexican Trip Report Sept. 2018 8-Day Bonaire trip.

2.) If you spend a lot of time and money on 'just you,' your partner may want to do the same. Be sure you're cool with some separate vacations. Can you two afford doing all this?

3.) A scuba trip disguised as a family vacation (what my wife calls my family trips for us) cost double or more (no small thing), feature less diving (but more topside enjoyments) and 3 (4 if mother-in-law's along - she's cool and fun to have) people have a good, enriching time instead of one.
St. Croix Research Report Aug. 2017 - St. Croix Research Report Aug. 2017
Curacao Trip Report with SB Surge Jan. 2019

4.) How high maintenance is your S.O. on vacations? Some non-divers are content to sip drinks reading in a hammock, some go shopping, but some want to spend lots of 'couples time.'

5.) The idea of separate vacations, or going places alone, may bother some people. Make sure neither of you has an issue with it.

Some destinations lend themselves to a compromise. In light of the travel time to offshore sites and deep/nitrogen-loading, 2 dives/day were pretty much going to be it on a Morehead City, NC trip to dive with sand tiger sharks. It was a similar situation with Jupiter, Fl my first trip (note: Jupiter Dive Center did offer some 3-tank trips, and Emerald Charters did 3/day).

I have had 'family' trips with good dive counts (St. Croix - 15 dives over 8 days; Key Largo - 20 dives) but I'm at risk for the dreaded stink-eye and 'I thought you were going to spend more time with us.'

So I'm thoroughly on the side of 'separate interests are fine,' with the caveat in practice there's more to it, and you both need to think through the issues (and potential conflicts).

 

[Boston Breakwater]

I am a pretty keen diver, who often goes on dive vacations. Recently I started dating someone who wouldn’t come near anything dive related with a ten foot pole (not even snorkel!) due to fears, etc. Otherwise, the relationship seems to be going fine.

Have any of you had similar experiences? How do/did you deal with it?

Hello. When, I first started diving....I was voracious. (Does that word even apply to diving?) I don't know.
I was like a horse out of the starting gate. My first few years, it's all I wanted to do. If, I wasn't diving, I was at the shop, or overhauling/servicing gear, on the boat humbly helping people as a Divemaster, or reading books about diving by Brian Skerry and Gary Gentile (My hero.) I was particularly into solo winter night diving...sometimes trudging through 3 ft. of snow at 2:00 A.M. to check my lobster traps.
My new found addiction.
My friend Ann Marie (I'll call her Ann Marie.) because her name was Ann Marie She was my childhood sweetheart...we knew each other for almost 20 years. She began to make subtle comments about by diving, and my behavior. I made serious effort to rectify the situation, and dove less, and consciously put more focus on her. At this point, I think the damage was done. She had a resentment now, that she couldn't really let go of. One day, I packed my dive gear, and Ann Marie packed her suitcase. I've had both numerous dives, and girlfriends since then, with very little, if any regret.
Realising, just now.....that I've never posted anything personal about myself.
Well, now you have it.
Cheers.

 

[KathyV]

When we first married I didn't know how to swim but my husband was half-fish! He had been on the swim team in school and his family owned a cottage on a lake and he loved the water. I decided that I wanted to share some of those experiences with him and so I took an "adult learn to swim" class.

We took some trips together and I learned to enjoy swimming and snorkeling and eventually we decided to try diving. It didn't come as easily to me as it did for him but I am glad that I stuck with it because we've had wonderful dive vacations to beautiful places for many decades.

When we decided to become divers we made a commitment to always dive together and sometimes that has been more difficult than originally anticipated, but we have kept our promise. Like on dive vacations when one of us got sick with a cold or an ear infection and so neither of us could go diving - so we spent the time together and made sure that we both had a good time. I figure it is like going on a dive trip and the weather turns bad, you just have to make the most of it!

But just because we made a promise to always scuba dive together doesn't mean that we don't have other interests that we have enjoyed separately during our life together.

Mutual respect, love, consideration and a strong friendship are the keys to a great relationship IMO, no matter what kind of activities and hobbies you each enjoy.

 

[Chavodel8en]

My SO wont dive.

Most of my diving is local. Hopefully, you have the ability to dive locally. If all my diving was on travel, this would be a much bigger issue of conflict.

As for travel. I don't do "dive vacations." I go on trips w/ my wife, and hopefully get some diving in. Do I wish I could dive more on vacation? Absolutely. However, I have other interests that I want to do on travel, and that I do with my wife. Im not someone who would want to do a live-aboard or a dive-only vacation. I dont want to be cooped up on a boat, or only diving, I want to do other tourist/travel stuff.

My wife is not a morning person, so generally, I do dives in the morning and meet back up for lunch. I average 2 mornings of diving per week long trip, if diving is available on that trip. So Ive dived in Hawaii, Florida, Puerto Rico, the Yucatan & Catalonia. Didnt dive in El Salvador or New Orleans.

I doubt I will ever dive Truk lagoon, although I'd like to. But that's OK, I enjoy the diving I do on travel, even when the locale isnt exactly the paramount dive destination.

 

[Outbound]

I am a pretty keen diver, who often goes on dive vacations. Recently I started dating someone who wouldn’t come near anything dive related with a ten foot pole (not even snorkel!) due to fears, etc. Otherwise, the relationship seems to be going fine.

Have any of you had similar experiences? How do/did you deal with it?

My wife isn't a diver and will never be. It just doesn't interest her in the slightest. She really isn't very keen on snorkeling either. No big deal. Locally, I go diving with my buddies whenever I want and she doesn't mind. When we take tropical vacations, I go diving as much as I like and she sits on the beach with a good book or goes to get a massage and enjoys her time. No issues whatsoever.

 

[Divin'Papaw]

I became certified after I was already married. My wife is very interested in what I see and do and has learned a great deal about it from talking to me. She almost sounds like a diver! But she has no interest in diving nor snorkeling even. She loves being near the water but isn't really a water person herself. She is awesome about giving me time to do it as long as I keep it balanced. We have MANY shared interests as well that we do together. She needs her own personal time as well and is able to get that when I'm diving. It was worked out well for us.

There was one year that I let my diving get a bit out of balance. My long suffering wife dropped a few hints that I finally took to heart. I was with her before I took up diving and I love her more that I do diving. So I learned to find balance and we have an understanding about how much is enough vs too much. We've worked out an understanding that works for both of us.

In terms of buddies I made them through the local shop and through ScubaBoard. I've dived with many, many people I never would have met otherwise. Now that I'm more experienced and properly training (Divemaster, Solo and Trimix certs) and equipped most of my dives are solo. But it wasn't that way for the first 10 years or so that I was certified.

Now one downside (if you can call it that) is that I do most of my diving locally. I don't take week long lifeaboard trips. I just don't don't feel right dedicating that much of my vacation time and our money just on myself. She would probably let me but I don't even want to. It wouldn't be fair and I don't even ask.

With respect to what I spend on diving as long as we can afford it and I budget for it and as long as we can also travel together and do the things we like doing together, she is cool with what I spend on diving. We are good with our money, save and invest and live frugally apart from hobbies and travel so it has all worked out fine.

 

[Ana]

After reading all these posts about diving (or not diving) with your SO. I realize I miss diving with my husband very much.
We go diving together but since we no longer leave the boat unattended our dives now are always solo, if we get friends to come along they dive with me or my husband because don't know how to run the boat.
Still trying to find compatible diver(s) that knows how to run a boat around divers so my husband and I can dive together. Have a couple of friends that have been practicing operating the boat with one of us by their side, but they don't fee ready, and is not something I'm willing to push.

 

[KathyV]

After reading all these posts about diving (or not diving) with your SO. I realize I miss diving with my husband very much.
We go diving together but since we no longer leave the boat unattended our dives now are always solo, if we get friends to come along they dive with me or my husband because don't know how to run the boat.
Still trying to find compatible diver(s) that knows how to run a boat around divers so my husband and I can dive together. Have a couple of friends that have been practicing operating the boat with one of us by their side, but they don't fee ready, and is not something I'm willing to push.

You are wise not to take risks with boat safety and lucky to live in an area where you can dive from your own boat, but it is unfortunate that you are not able to dive with your husband.

Since you are in the Pompano Beach, FL area perhaps you can do some shore dives together from spots like Blue Heron Bridge and Lauderdale by the Sea; or go out with a local scuba op on a dive charter. Maybe take a short trip down to the Keyes to do some diving. It won't be as cheap or easy as diving from your own boat but it will be different and you would be able to dive together.

 

[Storker]

We go diving together but since we no longer leave the boat unattended our dives now are always solo

I guess you're still better off than I am. My SO doesn't dive, and I don't dive solo. She's willing to tend the boat occasionally, but I have to find a local buddy to dive with if I'm going to dive at all.

And if she were a diver, I'd have to find a boat tender since I'm not comfortable with leaving the boat unattended when I'm underwater.

 

[Bert van den Berg]

When I married my SO I had been diving for 7 years. She had no interest and didn't dive for 35 years despite the fact that our son started diving with me at age 13.. Then at age 64 she changed her mind, took the OW class and started diving. Now uses a drysuit and owns a BP.

What caused her to change her mind? She started going to the local dive club with me and met other ladies that enjoyed diving.