Dear Diary:
For my forty-fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape (well pretty good anyway) since my time in the Marine Corps awhile ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations. They informed me that I would be working with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor, and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started and I thought it a little strange that she would want me, a preacher, to even associate with a woman that sounded so sensual even over the phone! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
Started my day at 0600. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. I began to realize that this would be a tough week to keep my thoughts pure (and boy was I right!)
Woo Hoo!!!!! She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit.
I even found myself peeking while she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. I am a little ashamed of myself. And this was my wife's bright idea!? Later, Belinda was very encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it!!! :amazed: My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other "not so nice" stuff too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that Belinda woman more than any human being has ever hated any other human being, in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheer leading showoff. If there were a part of my body that I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the cotton-pickin barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my "Beloved Wife" will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root canal or a vasectomy!!
For my forty-fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape (well pretty good anyway) since my time in the Marine Corps awhile ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations. They informed me that I would be working with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics instructor, and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started and I thought it a little strange that she would want me, a preacher, to even associate with a woman that sounded so sensual even over the phone! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
------------------
MONDAY:
Started my day at 0600. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. I began to realize that this would be a tough week to keep my thoughts pure (and boy was I right!)
Woo Hoo!!!!! She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit.
I even found myself peeking while she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. I am a little ashamed of myself. And this was my wife's bright idea!? Later, Belinda was very encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it!!! :amazed: My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other "not so nice" stuff too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that Belinda woman more than any human being has ever hated any other human being, in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheer leading showoff. If there were a part of my body that I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the cotton-pickin barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my "Beloved Wife" will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root canal or a vasectomy!!
