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Death of my Son, I need some help

Discussion in 'Passings' started by Superlyte27, Jan 31, 2019.

  1. letterboy

    letterboy Thank you for your service, Frank ScubaBoard Supporter

    Sending you support and comfort.
    chillyinCanada likes this.
  2. divad

    divad ScubaBoard Sponsor ScubaBoard Sponsor


    Are you doing it well-er than you were?
  3. wetb4igetinthewater

    wetb4igetinthewater Instructor ScubaBoard Supporter

    # of Dives: 500 - 999
    Location: Seattle
    I don't think any parent is good at that. People who live the worst nightmare possible in losing their child must have to push through every single day. I can't imagine a day that isn't a struggle. I just have this baseless hope that time will heal. But I don't think it really does.
    shoredivr likes this.
  4. Superlyte27

    Superlyte27 Cave Instructor

    # of Dives: 5,000 - ∞
    Location: Florida
    depends on who you ask and the day you ask.
  5. divad

    divad ScubaBoard Sponsor ScubaBoard Sponsor


    That sounds familiar..., crap, I'm outside on the deck weeping about my dead little sister (38 tears ago) right now while my 90 year old dad is making mashed potatoes and suggesting that "when the mood strikes [me], how about cooking up the steaks." He doesn't know I was briefly weeping...or, more likely, he does. You have to compartmentalize...sometimes the compartment pops open....like when you read about someone else's loss.
  6. Jafo19D

    Jafo19D Nassau Grouper

    # of Dives: 25 - 49
    Location: Colombia
    I don't know what it's like to lose a child but I do know the guilt part.

    Towards the end of my first tour in Iraq the situation for our Area of Operations (AO) which was part of the Triangle of Death was changing so we went down from 4 teams to 2 and I was the Team Leader for one of them. When this happened we re-orged and I lost my team sergeant to the other team. With just a few week left we received the guys who were going to replace us and the first guys to come were an officer and an NCO for their advance party. Their officer, CPT M, accompanied us on several patrols and had a good time.

    Eventually their main body arrived and their unit would be divided into two halves plus a HQ element just like we were. I would show the new guys around the southern half and the other team leader would do the northern half. The incoming unit's commander would spend a few days in the north and would later go to our small base in the south so he could go out on some of my patrols. The night before the second day of patrolling my commander said there was a change of plans and that the new incoming commander wanted to tour the southern section (mine) a few days earlier than planned. This meant that before going on the actual patrol I'd have to lead another one up north to pick this guy up and then travel back south to conduct the actual patrol. I told my commander that this was BS and that it ruined all the planning so he relented and told the other team to take him down to my area so that I wouldn't have to pick him up.

    Well the other team got hit with an IED of explosively formed penetrators (deadly things that will cut through anything) and one of the gun trucks was just decimated. The gunner was cut in half (from our unit); my former team sergeant bled out on the helicopter, CPT M who I had gotten to know really well when he accompanied us on several patrols hung on for about a week died in Germany the day we got back to FT Bragg, a medic from the incoming unit and who I had just 2 days earlier briefed and told him that they would be ok (he was nervous) was an instant KIA and a 5th soldier lost an arm but survived.

    All these casualties because I asked that the other team to do a mission that I was tasked with. Furthermore the officer in charge of that ill fated patrol was a lot more laid back than I was and I was told that when they were hit he froze. I honestly feel that had I been there at least one or two of them would have made it. It wasn't logical for me to feel guilty but I did so I know where you're coming from. All these years later (this happened on May 5, 2006) I think about those guys every f******* day but the sense of guilt has practically disappeared. Yes it was my decision that put these things into play but it wasn't a wrong decision. Same with the bike; for your sake and your family's sake I really hope that you will shed that guilt soon because it's not in any way your fault.
    FinnMom, shoredivr and Noogascott like this.
  7. mhattenhauer

    mhattenhauer Divemaster

    # of Dives: 100 - 199
    Location: Arkansas
    It's been three years since my daughter was murdered. I still have so much anger in me that there are days I cannot function in public. I am trying to focus my energy on the son she left behind. He is four now and loves the water. He will be my scuba buddy in the future. I see so much of her in him its crazy.

    It never gets better. All time does is numb the pain a bit to make it easier to deal with.
    Robbyg and FinnMom like this.
  8. Schwob

    Schwob Solo Diver

    # of Dives: 200 - 499
    Location: Illinois
    I believe that to be true.
    I am fortunate to not know it to be true or otherwise on your or the OP‘s scale of pain ... and I say „yet“ just to not jinx anything.
    But, from other losses, my experience also is that time and the other experiences we make in time, while never serving as a replacement for the loss, do still give us those other experiences, reasons, connections, ... , to trudge on and even, at times, give us reason to enjoy the trudging and with that life ... all while never forgetting or replacing what we lost.... as corny as is and as unhelpful and seemingly insensitive as is (I mean it far from insensitive, not that that helps...) in many ways, such is life...
    FinnMom, shoredivr and mhattenhauer like this.

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