Death of my Son, I need some help

[StefinSB]

My wife passed away last year unexpectedly. She was diagnosed with cancer and valley fever and we went through the whole hell of chemo. Chemo was finished and we thought life would go on again when she suddenly, unexpectedly, passed while I was on a business trip. I get the idea how you feel and am happy (for the lack of a better word) to talk if you want to.

 

[Keri Cuppage]

My daughter Tiffany died in January 2018. I am always here to listen. You can add me on Facebook Keri Cuppage or text or call.

Spoiler

619-372-1602

. My youngest daughter found her that tragic morning in my home, so I've also been dealing with her PTSD and suicidal thoughts. This year has been extremely difficult, but I manage as a single parent to walk through each day as best I can.
My heart aches for you as it has every day since we lost Tiffany.
I'm here for you in whatever way I can help.

 

[admikar]

In 41 minutes, it will be exactly 6 years since a small humanoid creature entered my life. The reason I'm still awake is I made a tradition to enter his room at that exact moment, kiss him and wish him happy birthday. As I am writing this words, I'm holding back tears for you. Honestly, I am not sure I would survive loss of my son.
I don't know if this is something you want to hear right now, so you are welcome to use this forum, or send me PM for my phone number, so you can yell at me, insult me, curse at me, or just relieve yourself. we will probably never meet in real life, but I will be there for you.

 

[ScubaBunga]

I am having trouble with tears in my eyes even responding but just feel the need to do so. I do apologize if ANYTHING I have here adds pain, it is far from the intent. I have two boys that are now certified to dive and are nearing the age to drive. I can't even imagine losing one of them. I do (maybe morbid) think about it from time to time when articles like this come up or even movies that I find hard to watch sometimes. Or when I think of some new "fun" thing to do or teach them.
But I think back to my childhood and some of the stuff I managed to survive - and much worse stuff my brother manged to survive. If something had happened it would not have been anyone's fault other than my own, you can't blame yourself for helping him enjoy the life he had. I can only imagine the pain will slowly dull but never go away. You mention some memories - enjoy those and recount them often. That is what needs to be remembered. Your life needs to continue as well. Nothing will replace him, nor should it.
Everything else I had typed (and removed) seemed flippant or unhelpful...Remember the time you had.

 

[Ojai Diver]

I am very sorry.

I remember before my son was born somebody told me that his son was his best friend, and I secretly thought that this was a sad confession from a pathetic man.

Now my son is five, and he is my best friend, and I totally get the preciousness of that irreplaceable relationship.

I do concur with others that speaking with a good competent therapist would help. Your friends and family don't know what to say, they will piss you off, but a good therapist (check reviews or recommendations) imo could help if only to help you vocalize your loss, to get it out there, without asinine comments or judgments.

My sincere condolences.

 

[Schwob]

All I can say is that is unbearable pain!
It will not stop. It will go on, and on. Nothing you do or don't do will stop it.
It's unbearable.
But you will bear it! There is no choice. You must and you will bear it and some day you will be able to treasure the memories without them eating you alive.

I am so sorry!

 

[Graeme Fraser]

You never get over it, but you do come to terms with it. My brother died in a bike accident 5 years ago and I watched my dad crumble before my eyes. But, he, and we did start to slowly to manage the grief. Sometimes, you're chewing the fat and having a laugh and suddenly you catch yourself remembering something small, insignificant, and the feelings come back. Sometimes you NEED to feel that pain again, but it is all part of the heeling process.

My dad said to me many times "why did I let him get that bloody bike" and I said "dad, FFS he has 40 years old and twice your size!". However, that feeling of guilt, however irrational it is, was part of process and in some ways I think he needed it. Your pain is obviously still as raw as hell but slowly, surely you'll come through.

Take care mate.

 

[arew+4]

i have three teens of my own and i can't even really allow my self to contemplate what you are going thru.
Rage and regret are natural responses, but you need to get past them. If you dwell on these things you will be pulled down by them, I am certain this is not what your son would want for you.
There is a hole and you need to fill it, choose wisely. Choose things that will honor him, and keep his memory alive in you. You will never fill it completely, but in time it may become more of a "Grand Canyon" than a bottomless black abyss.

 

[JohnnyC]

I'm sorry for your loss, and that pain will never go away. Talk to a professional therapist. They literally get paid to deal with your anger and toxicity and outbursts and help you come to terms with what has happened, for your own well being. You do your son no favors, you don't honor his memory, by destroying yourself.

You get paid to teach people who don't know what they're doing, to do it well. They do the exact same thing with grief and mental health. And it might take a couple before you find one that does it best for you. But you need to try, and trust that despite what you're feeling now, they can and will help.

And if God is bringing you no consolation, maybe this will help. It is not a denial of a higher power, but an examination of how your son is still around and with you every day.

 

[Hoag]

@Superlyte27 I so sorry for your loss. I have never lost a child of my own, but I feel that I can empathize with your grief.

In October 2017, I went on the Aquacat in the Bahamas. Less than an hour after walking in the door when I got home, the phone rang. It was my brother. He told me "You'd better sit down. While you were gone, Mimi (his daughter Michelle and my God daughter) took a sudden turn for the worse (She was 39 and a mother of 3 who had been fighting cancer for 4 years). The doctors give her anywhere from a few days to a few weeks." Well, the doctor found some meds that were better and soon Michelle was released from the hospital. A year ago this week, she told her husband that it was time, and she left her home for the last time and was admitted to a nearby hospice for end of life care. On 17 Feb, the phone rang at 6:30am. It was my brother. He simply said "It's over." Mimi was not only my God Daughter, she was also the closest thing I ever had to a child of my own. I know that my brother felt responsible for her death. Our mom died of breast cancer at 42, and my brother felt that he condemned his own daughter to an early death when she was diagnosed.

A few months later, in May, ironically on my brother's 66th birthday, he collapsed while walking the dog. He was admitted to the hospital and initial indications were to gather the family. He appeared to be getting better but he needed blood transfusions every few days and nobody could figure out why. They kept running tests, but couldn't come up with anything definitive. On 24 May, which would have been Michelle's 40th birthday, the word "Cancer" was first mentioned as a possibility. He was scheduled for a consultation at a local Cancer Clinic and while at the consultation, he took a sudden and dramatic turn for the worse. He was immediately admitted for end of life care, and he died on 1 June.

So although I have never lost a child of my own, I lost my entire family in the space of 5 months to cancer.

Here is my advice. Find a professional to help you deal with your grief. Friends and family may have the best of intentions, but they are all too close to the situation and they don't have the type of training that this needs. Find someone like a Social Worker, or other mental health professional whose only interest is helping you develop the tools that you will need to deal with something that no father should ever have to deal with.

I wish I could tell you that everything will be OK, but the reality is that things have changed forever. I sincerely hope that you find a way to deal with the world as it now is. Make no mistake, it will be a hard journey, but it is one that can be made. You mentioned your son's sense of humour. It's OK to laugh at the things that you know he would have found funny. Laughter has amazing healing powers.