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Death of my Son, I need some help

Discussion in 'Passings' started by Superlyte27, Jan 31, 2019.

  1. The Chairman

    The Chairman Chairman of the Board

    # of Dives: I just don't log dives
    Location: Cave Country!
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    To those of us that are going through this (it never really ends), the only "offense" is that it's true. My Harrison can't feel the suffering any more, but here I am stuck in that pit. Pain and suffering were the only things for a long time that clued me in that I was still alive. I will certainly stop this earthly suffering when I die but I had to move past that. I had to embrace living for others again, and for the most part: I have. Wallowing in self pity and pain will certainly lead to an early death, and that's something I won't allow to others to blame Harrison for. I live for him in that regard. Doing things I would have liked him to do. Helping others I would have liked him to help. Bitterness has slowly given way to understanding and even gratefulness for the time we enjoyed together. He might not be here anymore, but he'll always be my son.

    FWIW, a good friend of mine is having a son soon and will be naming him Harrison. No, not after my son, but it's just as well. You can bet, I'll be following this new "Harrison" and all that he does with a keen interest. Life goes on, within us and even without us.
     
  2. Skittl1321

    Skittl1321 Loggerhead Turtle

    # of Dives: 25 - 49
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    I just stumbled upon this thread, but wanted to add my two cents. I really cannot relate. My son was stillborn. He was taken from me before I knew him. I know that is nothing like losing a living breathing person who was wrapped up in your life. I can't compare the two. That was three years ago, and I still miss him daily. But it hurts less than it used to. Like you, I was shocked how many people who had gone through this that I didn't know. For that reason, even when it makes people uncomfortable, I talk about my son- and count him as one of my children. Maybe it's a step forward for the people it happens to next.

    But I've been in loss groups for long enough to know there isn't a right way to grieve. The issue, for me, was determining the line between grief and depression. And getting a PTSD diagnosis. That allowed me to get the right treatment. If you need medication, it isn't failure. Finding someone whose therapy centered around PTSD (I did EMDR) helped me a lot. It sounds like, since you got him the bike, and have a level of blame for yourself that may help you too. The blame is irrational, but even if you logically know that, irrational things can't just be reasoned away.

    It was hard for me to recognize that my grief slipped into depression, but I lost basically everything that had ever interested me in the months following my loss. Even now, I'm only slowly getting hobbies back. I did stop scuba diving- I thought it was too much of a risk to put myself underwater when I still have panic attacks and episodes of utter devastation. So now my husband goes without me. But I miss it. That has to be a good sign to wanting to get to whatever the new normal is. (I can't say "back to normal".)

    Also know that grief comes in waves. I saw you post earlier that "life didn't seem to suck so much today", and I think that's all you can hope for. Is that you have more of those days, where it sucks less. Let joy come back to your life where you can find it. And that takes time. You can't be expected to hit a certain time period and have everything just be better. Everything will never "just be better". Forever there is going to be a trigger that hits and it all comes back. But those triggers happen less often. It doesn't mean you are moving on. It doesn't mean you've forgotten your son. It means you have to do your best to keep living life.


    December was still so recent. The hurt so fresh. You say you are religious, so give yourself grace to take the time to heal and to process. Ignore the people who tell you God needed another angel, that things happen for a reason. Those platitudes are ********. But I try to give them grace too- in that, they say those things because they don't know what else to say, but care about you, so feel like they should say something.

    Can you find a way to honor your son in how you live your life? What are things that meant a lot to him? Can you work with a cause that matters to him? Create a ritual to help you celebrate his life? (My therapist was big with ritual and ceremony...)


    This is an interesting analogy that I think sums things up pretty well: This Analogy Perfectly Explains Why You Can’t Just ‘Get Over’ Grief
    It's like what you said about how it doesn't get better, it gets different.

    You have my prayers today.
     
  3. Compressor

    Compressor ScubaBoard Supporter Staff Member ScubaBoard Supporter

    # of Dives: 1,000 - 2,499
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    Let us hold hands (virtually, since we are on a forum) and spread the grief so as to lessen the pain. I'm doing it now so put your hand out please.
     
    Steelyeyes and RyanT like this.
  4. Superlyte27

    Superlyte27 Cave Instructor

    # of Dives: 5,000 - ∞
    Location: Florida
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    Thanks guys. I appreciate all the words. Honestly, "sorry" doesn't bother me. But there are some pretty stupid things that have been said to me over the past couple of months that do bother me. Thankfully, most of you guys here are what I like to call "non-idiots".
     
  5. FinnMom

    FinnMom Divemaster Staff Member

    # of Dives: 500 - 999
    Location: Finland
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    I've never lost a child and I'm terribly, terribly sorry this has happened to you.

    I'm sorry about the annoying, asine or just worrisome remarks. Some people say stupid things because they or someone they knew once genuinely found them helpful. I remember pointless or idiot remarks after my mother's death (she was hardly middle aged and I was a kid) that were actually helpful years later in a different situation.

    A couple people have told me that grief counseling was a real and very significant help for them. I would imagine it is an extremely personal fit, but you might keep it in mind. Even if not now or even this year, you might find it helpful somewhere later down the road. If you feel you need help now or much later, remember that it has sometimes been helpful. Counselors also don't have to be like a shrink, they can just be an information resouce, someone who might tell you about how to get in touch with one or a peer group of other parents for example.

    I hope this post helps you get in touch with some other people, maybe other ideas/tools/strategies. If nothing else I know I've found it a comfort just to tell someone what I was thinking, (as you have here) and at least confirm that there are others out there that have been through anything remotely similar. I hope you find that release too.

    Take care of yourself.
     
    caydiver and chillyinCanada like this.
  6. The Chairman

    The Chairman Chairman of the Board

    # of Dives: I just don't log dives
    Location: Cave Country!
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    I never did grief counseling. It wasn't a pride thing: I just didn't think it would work for me. I learned quickly enough that underwater, no one can see you cry. I was just told a few moments ago that a dear friend has passed away, and I think I need to get wet. Let the distractions and solitude of the dive allow me to escape reality and form my thoughts.
     
  7. Superlyte27

    Superlyte27 Cave Instructor

    # of Dives: 5,000 - ∞
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    Let's go! I'll call you tomorrow to arrange.
     
    shoredivr, caydiver, FinnMom and 7 others like this.
  8. Wookie

    Wookie Secret Field Agent ScubaBoard Business Sponsor

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    <3
     
  9. ScubaSam

    ScubaSam Sister of Shenanigans ScubaBoard Supporter

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    Just came across this thread and I am shocked and sad to learn of your son's passing.

    I am speechless, truly at a loss for words...and that is a rarity.
     
    The Chairman likes this.
  10. Superlyte27

    Superlyte27 Cave Instructor

    # of Dives: 5,000 - ∞
    Location: Florida
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    This week was a bad week for us. In the beginning, the newspapers and reports said Brian was passing illegally. 16 year olds make stupid mistakes. As a father, I can't blame Brian, I blame myself. Then FHP found video cameras of the accident. Brian was in his lane. Then people said because of his high rate of speed, the driver who cut him off couldn't have judged how little time he had to make his left turn in front of Brian. Sunday, FHP engineers concluded their investigation and determined that Brian's rate of speed was between 42 and 44 miles per hour in a 55 mph zone. Not only did Brian have zero fault in the accident, but he was following the rules, advice and training his father taught him. Honestly, it was easier when I believed Brian was at fault, because now there's a living breathing human being who is 100% responsible for the death of my precious sweet boy. And I'm a bit grumpy about that.
     
    shoredivr, Kmart921, FinnMom and 8 others like this.

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