Thank-you, everyone, for your thoughtful replies.
If I had this to do over again, I would:
- Not lose my buddy in the first place. That was clearly my doing.
- Discuss lost buddy protocols before the dive. Clearly, not everyone follows the ones taught in the course.
- Give the okay sign immediately. I truly was not clear on whether the okay sign was appropriate, since my buddy was lost. Now I know.
- Submerge alone and swim back to the boat. This is diving without a buddy, but the current is much less 15 feet down, so I could have gotten back to the boat that way. I figured this was against the rules, so stayed on the surface. Couldn't make any progress against the current on the surface. But diving solo at 15 feet is no great risk, and I would have gotten back to the boat without having to be rescued.
When the captain made the okay sign and asked, "What does this mean?" I figured he was just trying to establish his dominance. Obviously I knew what it meant, so why was he asking? I really felt that, especially after he kept asking it over and over with raised voice, he was laying a trip on me. And I was having none of it. I don't think this means I lack social skills, but I understand there are some on this board who think this. I think it means I don't need to take crap from an alpha male who wants to establish his dominance over me so that he can be right.
When my buddy apologized, and I was still upset, I wanted to communicate to him that he wasn't the reason I was upset. So I almost said, "You didn't do anything wrong." But that was not true. He clearly had done something wrong. I didn't know what to say to accept his apology. The reason I looked upset at that point even after his apology is that I was extremely upset about the interaction with the captain. I was not upset with my buddy. In retrospect, I would have said something like, "Thank-you, I'm not upset with you." But I didn't, and that was not optimal, I admit.
When the captain apologized, it was totally insincere. That was not an apology that I would ever accept. When he said, "You and I are through," it was the truth. And it worked both ways. No apology after that meant anything. There was no way I was ever going to forgive him for attacking me, enlisting the aid of several others on the boat in attacking me, when all I'd done was the best I could to save my buddy.
I realize that several of the responders to my post agree with the captain's position, and I accept that. But after reading all the replies, and giving the situation a great deal of thought, more than anything I think I should be acknowledged for doing everything I could to save my buddy, with a little bit of correction on the meaning of the "okay" sign.
But you know, when I said (over and over again incidentally), on the boat that if I had given the okay sign what would have happened to my buddy, nobody (and there were several people chiming in) gave a response that in any way approached an adequate response to a diver trapped in the coral and running out of air. The consensus seems to have been that I should have swum back to the boat and told everybody my buddy was missing, which would have wasted time. And one person even said a lost diver is not an emergency. This is the main reason I didn't just accept everyone's assertion that I should have given the okay sign immediately. I didn't give the sign because I was afraid everyone would ignore me after that and my buddy would die.
And even after they made it very clear what the okay sign means (that I personally am okay), I still didn't think giving the okay sign was appropriate. The reason is that, if I had given the okay sign, my buddy would not have been rescued.
The reason I say that, having it to do all over again, I would give the okay sign immediately, is that I realize now that they could hear me, even from 100 yards away. So I could have given the okay sign, then communicated verbally the missing diver situation. But at the time, I did not know they could hear me. And, again, I did not know that the okay sign only meant that I personally am okay.
And isn't it interesting that, when someone wants to win an argument, he will insult you by saying you should have learned that in open water class? As several posters in this thread pointed out, that particular subtlety of the meaning of the okay sign is not made clear in open water class. But even if it had been, I don't think it's polite to insult people.
Here's a scenario, by the way, to illustrate my point: Let's say that I had found my buddy unconscious on the bottom, brought him up in the correct way, and begun administering rescue breaths while towing him back to the boat. Now, the captain comes to the railing and yells, "Are you okay?" What should I do? According to everything everybody is saying, I should give the okay sign. But then what happens? Do I trust that they can see that I'm rescuing somebody?
The point I'm making is that the idea that "I'm okay" means that I'm personally okay just doesn't quite work in every situation.
Here's another. I find my buddy, he's caught in the coral, I can't free him. I go to the surface, wave at the boat, "Are you okay?" What do I do, signal that I'm okay? I think not.
All in all, I wouldn't be having this identity crisis about how nice scuba divers are if it had gone a bit differently on the boat: Let's say when I got back on the boat, the captain had said, "We need to talk about what the okay sign means, dude. I asked whether you were okay, and you didn't give me the okay sign, even though you were okay." Then, after I explained why I didn't give the okay sign, he could have said, "Ah, I see why you didn't give the okay sign. But in the future, you need to give the okay sign in that situation, because otherwise I'm going to think you need rescuing." Then, after I asked about what would have happened to my buddy if I had said I was okay, he could have said, "Hm, I see your point. You were afraid that if you gave the okay sign, I would then turn my back and ignore you, thereby putting your buddy in danger. Well gee, I have to acknowledge you for caring for your buddy's welfare. But I could hear your voice across the water, so then you could have told me what was wrong, and I assure you I would not have turned my back. If your buddy had been lost, we would have then organized a search. Okay?" And I would have said okay, I'm sorry I didn't signal okay immediately.
But what he actually did was attack me, and that's where it all went south.
The cognitive behavioral reply is well taken. Right on, in fact. And as any cognitive behavioral psychologist would point out, I am in fact overgeneralizing this experience to my whole life.
For example, thinking that everybody on the boat ignored me because they thought I was a bad person is wrong, as 2 posters pointed out. They were avoiding me because, from their point of view, I was holding a grudge. They probably thought I didn't want to talk to anybody.
I really appreciate the replies from the posters who think I handled the situation appropriately, given my experience level.
And as usual, several posters think that I really am the pariah. But that's life on the Internet.
Matt isn't an EMT, a police offer, and dive instructor or anybody else with training and working professionally every day dealing with emergencies. He's just a guy on a dive that suddenly took a turn and he's doing his best to cope and deal with it as he can.
