"My wife won't let me ..."

[Trace Malinowski]

"My wife won't let me ..." I hear that a lot with increasing regularity. It seems to snap out of a man's mouth as quickly as a "Ten-hut!" brings a platoon to attention. It might be one of the only vocal command signals in diving because it seems any question about spending money in the industry commands a man to involve his wife.

"My wife won't let me go diving."

"My wife won't let me buy it."

"My wife won't let me take that class."

"My wife will let me dive, but never in a cave."

If you are lucky, he may be emancipated enough to say, "I have to ask my wife ..." I grew up in a world where men didn't have to ask. I grew up in a home where my mother was a college professor and my father had a high school diploma and a DD-214. They told each other (not with a command voice) what they were going to do, if my dad wanted to go hunting or fishing, or, my mom wanted to ride her horse, or take us kids somewhere. If it came to spending money they'd discuss it, but it was usually when to buy and not "if." How could my mom get new furniture or how could my dad get a new table saw and stay on budget.

Something seems to have happened to men. Did chivalry meet feminism and surrender the jewels? Are wives really not letting men do things? Have men become like children having to ask "mommy?" Or, are men just throwing their wives under the bus because it is the ultimate excuse?

 

[wetb4igetinthewater]

When I lived in Portland, I was on the Mt. Hood Ski Patrol. One of the other patrollers told his wife on their first date "I was skiing when I met you, I'll be skiing when I forget you." A bit harsh, but not all that unfair. I told my current girlfriend (and future wife) this, but I replaced skiing with diving. She's very supportive of my diving, but I have cut back as she's the highest priority in my life. But I buy what I'm going to buy, even after marriage, unless we come into financial difficulties.

Obviously couples need to figure out what works for them (and their children if they have any). But for one to have the other on a leash, that's just unhealthy.

 

[RainPilot]

My wife told me no cave diving. From her point of view it's selfish to add a bunch of risk to our entire family to scratch an itch I have. She and the kids have a definite say in how much risk they are ok with me taking since any consequences will rest on them. She will have to become the single breadwinner and raise the kids alone etc so it seems fair to me.

That is the total extent though, if I want to buy dive gear and we can afford it she just rolls her eyes and lets me get on with it.

 

[wetb4igetinthewater]

My wife told me no cave diving.

In my view, that's completely reasonable. I will seek cave diving primarily for the training/skills, but I don't see myself doing it afterwards for the same reasons. I have a responsibility to not take too high of risks so that I'm around. I'm thinking the same for rebreathers, but I'm not educated on CCR yet (I will learn, but whether I will take the plunge is another story).

 

[scubadada]

I'm equal partners in life with my lovely wife. She realizes how important diving is to me. She had no problems with me doing a reasonable amount of diving. I spent 2 weeks on the Red Sea last year. I just got back from a trip to Cocos. I spend 7-10 days at our house in Florida, diving every 5-6 weeks. I'm a very lucky man. My favorite times are diving with my wife, she knows that.

 

[TMHeimer]

It obviously varies. My wife has no problem with me diving. We both figure it's smart for me to call when I'm done, since I mostly dive solo. Due to costs, there are times when I can't do this (like when I'm in the US alone). So be it. I don't tell her she can't play poker either--then again, she wins much more often than not.

 

[Lorenzoid]

Trace, it sounds like your parents had it right. I think my wife and I behave much like your parents in this regard. Whatever it is, we work it out. If you ask me whether some activity, gear, training, or whatever is in my future, my answer will be yes or no, and the reason I give you will be a reason that I myself fully buy into. I may have arrived at that decision because of discussion with my wife, but it's now MY decision and MY reasoning, not hers. "My wife won't let me" sounds like someone is married to the wrong wife.

 

[scubadada]

Trace, it sounds like your parents had it right. I think my wife and I behave much like your parents in this regard. Whatever it is, we work it out. If you ask me whether some activity, gear, training, or whatever is in my future, my answer will be yes or no, and the reason I give you will be a reason that I myself fully buy into. I may have arrived at that decision because of discussion with my wife, but it's now MY decision and MY reasoning, not hers. "My wife won't let me" sounds like someone is married to the wrong wife.

I consider myself incredibly lucky that I ended up with the right wife. I hope everybody is so lucky

 

[undrwater]

Did chivalry meet feminism and surrender the jewels? Are wives really not letting men do things? Have men become like children having to ask "mommy?" Or, are men just throwing their wives under the bus because it is the ultimate excuse?

Yes.

I think you can also add that out sounds funny to say that, so people do.

Behavioral and relationship trends change with time. We get uncomfortable when they look unfamiliar to what we're used to.

 

[Lorenzoid]

I consider myself incredibly lucky that I ended up the the right wife. I hope everybody is so lucky

It took a second try for me. First wife and I did the OW course together (in San Diego, your alma mater), and she hated it. Second wife and I live and breathe diving.