OP
Ha! She's Ukrainian. That's not how she was raised.
"My wife won't let me ..."
- Thread starter Trace Malinowski
- Start date
Please register or login
Welcome to ScubaBoard, the world's largest scuba diving community. Registration is not required to read the forums, but we encourage you to join. Joining has its benefits and enables you to participate in the discussions.
Benefits of registering include
- Ability to post and comment on topics and discussions.
- A Free photo gallery to share your dive photos with the world.
- You can make this box go away
Ha! She's Ukrainian. That's not how she was raised.
lv2dive
Formerly known as KatePNAtl
- Messages
- 19,726
- Reaction score
- 18,578
- Location
- Philadelphia and Boynton Beach
- # of dives
- 1000 - 2499
- Messages
- 93,167
- Reaction score
- 91,016
- Location
- On the Fun Side of Trump's Wall
- # of dives
- 2500 - 4999
Ah ... and so now we touch on some realities that are probably relevant to the topic. As a twice-divorced man I'm hardly the person you'd want to come to for marital advice. But I think I've learned a couple things along the way ... and one of them is that we all have different comfort zones in how we want to define our roles in a relationship. Some people ... men and women ... want to be controlled. It gives them some structure that makes their lives more comfortable, and those people need to be with someone who will give them permission to do the things they want to do. Others want to be the controller ... and they are best off with someone of the former category, if they want their relationship to be successful. Most want to view their relationship roles as "partners", and that means different levels of control/consent from their significant others in order to maintain harmony in the relationship. The trick isn't to define a "proper" role, and try to fit into it ... it's to choose someone whose comfort zone in the relationship roles is compatible with ours ... however much "control" that gives one spouse over the other.
I personally dislike the term "pussyfication", with respect to defining a level of "maleness" ... because it implies that the male is somehow supposed to dominate the female, and disparages the role of the woman in the relationship. And I think the days of Ricky Ricardo and Ralph Kramden are long (and happily) gone in today's society.
I've recently gotten back into a fairly serious relationship. And although I've spent the past 15 years hitting the water pretty hard (averaging 250+ dives per year), I find myself not diving so much anymore. It's not because my SO wants me to not go ... she's encouraging it, actually ... it's because she doesn't dive, and I'd really rather find things we can do together. She did have some reservations about my solo diving, but we just recently went on a trip to Vancouver Island together, where I was solo diving every day while she was on the boat. After watching my preparation, and seeing the look on my face while I was telling her afterward about the dive ... and showing her pictures of what I saw ... she's way more comfortable with it now. That's a developing trust that will define our relationship in more ways than just diving.
It may be different with you. It's probably different for most of us ... one way or the other. The important thing isn't so much how we manage our relational roles so much as that we manage them in a way that's comfortable to both partners. And so long as we do, it doesn't much matter what someone else thinks about how that role should be managed. If asking permission makes you happy, ask away. My girlfriend has figured out that I'm not much into it ... I'll listen intently, nod my head sagely, and do it my way anyhow. But I'm also not the sort that's going to put myself in a situation where the choices I make are going to make her unhappy. It's less about what I do than that it doesn't introduce conflict into the relationship. Maybe it's an age thing ... I'm staring that the back end of my life, and every day is a gift I want to make the most of. What makes me happy now isn't the same as what it did 20 or more years ago ... and I'd way rather end the day with both of us having had a happy time, whether that's doing something together or having gone our separate ways to each pursue those passions we don't share. We don't much need to "ask permission" ... we both understand where that relationship comfort zone is, and choose to stay within it. So permission's irrelevant ... neither one of us would consider putting ourselves into a situation where it would be an issue.
I don't see that as a male or female issue ... it's more about what's more important to you, something you do for fun or someone you've chosen to spend your life with ...
... Bob (Grateful Diver)
Nice post, Bob.
I have seen many dive shops selling bumper stickers that say something like "My wife said she will leave me if I keep diving so much. I'm sure gonna miss her!"
I look at those bumper stickers and try to imagine what kind of a man would buy that and put it on his car. My marriage is more important to me than any hobby, and i would not want to be in a relationship where that was not true. Over the years i was involved with several hobbies or interests that did or did not involve my wife. I was once a ranked volleyball player, but I have not played the sport, even in a back yard, for more than a quarter century. We were both avid skiers, but the only skiing we have done in the last decade has been to take our grandchildren--knee problems for both of us ended it. I was a very successful high school basketball coach, coaching in several state championship games. All of those are over now, and when each one of them ended, I did not look back. I just moved on to another activity. If I were to have a medical checkup that told me my diving days were over, I would sell my equipment and look for the next activity over which to obsess. Maybe I'll learn to play bridge.
Throughout all these changes in my activities, my marriage has been a constant, and I want to keep it that way. If I have to choose one over the other, well, it's obvious that I did not buy that bumper sticker.
I have seen many dive shops selling bumper stickers that say something like "My wife said she will leave me if I keep diving so much. I'm sure gonna miss her!"
I look at those bumper stickers and try to imagine what kind of a man would buy that and put it on his car. My marriage is more important to me than any hobby, and i would not want to be in a relationship where that was not true. Over the years i was involved with several hobbies or interests that did or did not involve my wife. I was once a ranked volleyball player, but I have not played the sport, even in a back yard, for more than a quarter century. We were both avid skiers, but the only skiing we have done in the last decade has been to take our grandchildren--knee problems for both of us ended it. I was a very successful high school basketball coach, coaching in several state championship games. All of those are over now, and when each one of them ended, I did not look back. I just moved on to another activity. If I were to have a medical checkup that told me my diving days were over, I would sell my equipment and look for the next activity over which to obsess. Maybe I'll learn to play bridge.
Throughout all these changes in my activities, my marriage has been a constant, and I want to keep it that way. If I have to choose one over the other, well, it's obvious that I did not buy that bumper sticker.
Hou s4m
Registered
- Messages
- 93,167
- Reaction score
- 91,016
- Location
- On the Fun Side of Trump's Wall
- # of dives
- 2500 - 4999
Ironically, Dori was certified 25 years before I was ... her NAUI instructor was #87, whoever that was. But like most folks, she quickly moved on to other things and hasn't dived since the late '70's. I asked if she'd be interested in taking it up again, but she said she'd rather just go someplace warm and snorkel while I went diving. And that's fine too.
... Bob (Grateful Diver)
lv2dive
Formerly known as KatePNAtl
That makes sense - the checklist aspect of it must make it seem like it is babysitting!
I do not speak a second language at all, much less fluently, and I was making an inquiry of you that was probably more about semantics than anything else, which wasn't fair to a non-native English speaker, so thank you for responding so nicely.
As an aside... I used the "..." to indicate that I had cut out the text before and after what I quoted.
I do not speak a second language at all, much less fluently, and I was making an inquiry of you that was probably more about semantics than anything else, which wasn't fair to a non-native English speaker, so thank you for responding so nicely.
As an aside... I used the "..." to indicate that I had cut out the text before and after what I quoted.
Hihi. Maybe it wouldnt have sounded so wrong had i used "..."? My wife really makes it sound like a chore though with all those reminders, this and that... before she goes out.
And, its also commonly used here by dads
or blame proficiency in english for being 2nd language
You're married to a Ukie?! ;-)
OP
Not married. My girlfriend, Sonya, is a pro figure skater and her sister is a hockey coach. Sonya snorkels, but doesn't scuba dive. She comes from an athletic family. Some of her father's soccer records still stand at his university. Her mother is American. Her family moved to Los Angeles, California when she was 7 years old, so I think that makes her a Ukie-L.A. or a Ukie-Cali?
Similar threads
