Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here
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santafejoe
Contributor
Business World
1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. Its called the stock market.
2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wal-Mart Street .
3. The difference between a pigeon and an investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW
4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!
5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.
6. I want to warn people from Nigeria . if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it
7. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's
1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. Its called the stock market.
2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wal-Mart Street .
3. The difference between a pigeon and an investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW
4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!
5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.
6. I want to warn people from Nigeria . if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it
7. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds'. I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's
CenTexDivin
Contributor
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This is from a humor site I visit frequently called notalwaysright.com. Here's a little excerpt that I thought was funny....
The Pearly Hyperbaric Chambers
Research Clinic | Midwest USA
(I work in a clinic where we test drugs on people. Upon check-in, we confiscate any items that could disrupt the study. I’m returning a pair of ankle weights to a participant; we had to remove them so he wouldn’t work out during the study.)
Me: “Here are your items.” *hands him ankle weights*
Participant: “Can I put them on now?”
Me: “Sure.”
Participant: *sits down and straps on weights* “You know why I wear these?”
Me: “…to build muscle?”
Participant: “So I don’t get the bends when the rapture comes!”
The Pearly Hyperbaric Chambers
Research Clinic | Midwest USA
(I work in a clinic where we test drugs on people. Upon check-in, we confiscate any items that could disrupt the study. I’m returning a pair of ankle weights to a participant; we had to remove them so he wouldn’t work out during the study.)
Me: “Here are your items.” *hands him ankle weights*
Participant: “Can I put them on now?”
Me: “Sure.”
Participant: *sits down and straps on weights* “You know why I wear these?”
Me: “…to build muscle?”
Participant: “So I don’t get the bends when the rapture comes!”
mike_s
Contributor
you gotta wonder what the toy designers were thinking when the put the graphic over the blow up valve on this inflatable toy? 
pidgiepoo
Contributor
ScubaSteve
Wow.....what a DB
I bet they got a lot of amusement out of it. Especially when the boss signed off on it without actually looking. Or maybe it was another episode of "the IKEA catalogue: designer 
you gotta wonder what the toy designers were thinking when the put the graphic over the blow up valve on this inflatable toy?
mike_s
Contributor
I bet they got a lot of amusement out of it. Especially when the boss signed off on it without actually looking. Or maybe it was another episode of "the IKEA catalogue: designer
I think they sell this as a SMB in Cozumel to unsuspecting tourists.
mlkco
Contributor
This was posted on another site by one of my English friends
maths through the ages
i've posted this in here but sadly, it's not really funny
Teaching maths in 1970
1. A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?
4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit 20 is £20..
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds
and=2 0squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a
measly profit of £20.
6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut20down a tree in case it may be
offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the
felling license. He is also fined £100 as his chainsaw is in breach
of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could
cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without
incident however he does not have the correct certificate of
competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual
criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all
government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined
another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he
returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on
his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for
harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100.
While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the20rest of his wood and sell
it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of
squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of
rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that
failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is
an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution,
breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal
costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be
arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make
£20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the
state for the rest of his life?
7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a
loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their
money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime
mortgages in Iceland and 20lost the lot with only some government money
left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and
the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry
however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions
regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put
it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and
send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves
and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is
easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their
holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh
girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a
bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is
forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as
bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out
and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
0A
You do the maths.
8. Teaching Maths 2017
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت=D 8ج من
الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟
maths through the ages
i've posted this in here but sadly, it's not really funny
Teaching maths in 1970
1. A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?
4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit 20 is £20..
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds
and=2 0squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a
measly profit of £20.
6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut20down a tree in case it may be
offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the
felling license. He is also fined £100 as his chainsaw is in breach
of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could
cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without
incident however he does not have the correct certificate of
competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual
criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all
government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined
another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he
returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on
his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for
harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100.
While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the20rest of his wood and sell
it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of
squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of
rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that
failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is
an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution,
breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal
costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be
arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make
£20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the
state for the rest of his life?
7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a
loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their
money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime
mortgages in Iceland and 20lost the lot with only some government money
left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and
the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry
however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions
regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put
it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and
send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves
and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is
easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their
holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh
girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a
bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is
forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as
bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out
and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
0A
You do the maths.
8. Teaching Maths 2017
أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانت=D 8ج من
الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟
dive bandit
Contributor
progress appears to be going backwards
WOODMAN
Contributor
Got this off a weather advisory site:
The new chief of the Indian tribe was asked by his people what preparations they should make for the upcoming winter, and he told them to start gathering wood and he would get back to them. He then contacted the government weather service, and they told him that the winter was going to be bad. He told his tribe to gather more wood, and then went back to the weather service and said "are you sure?" They said "it is going to be severely cold." He told the tribe to gather every stick of wood in sight, and then asked the weather service "how do you know it will be so bad?" They replied "The Indians are gathering wood like crazy!"
The new chief of the Indian tribe was asked by his people what preparations they should make for the upcoming winter, and he told them to start gathering wood and he would get back to them. He then contacted the government weather service, and they told him that the winter was going to be bad. He told his tribe to gather more wood, and then went back to the weather service and said "are you sure?" They said "it is going to be severely cold." He told the tribe to gather every stick of wood in sight, and then asked the weather service "how do you know it will be so bad?" They replied "The Indians are gathering wood like crazy!"
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