Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[Deefstes]

Got this off a weather advisory site:
The new chief of the Indian tribe was asked by his people what preparations they should make for the upcoming winter, and he told them to start gathering wood and he would get back to them. He then contacted the government weather service, and they told him that the winter was going to be bad. He told his tribe to gather more wood, and then went back to the weather service and said "are you sure?" They said "it is going to be severely cold." He told the tribe to gather every stick of wood in sight, and then asked the weather service "how do you know it will be so bad?" They replied "The Indians are gathering wood like crazy!"

Brilliant!

 

[Deefstes]

 

[Cave Diver]

The Philosophy of Ambiguity

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:



Please enjoy and understand the following :


1. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD ?

 

[Cave Diver]

Subject: DEMENTIA QUIZ . . . .




First Question :

You are a participant in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<




Answer : If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely WRONG! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, YOU are in second place!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?



Second Question :
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

(scroll down)



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are.....
WRONG again. Tell me Sunshine, how can you overtake the LAST person??


You're not very good at this, are you?




Third Question :
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.

Try it.



Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 Now add 30 . Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000. Now add 10 . What is the total?


Scroll down for the correct answer.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100 ..



If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!

Today is definitely not your day, is it ?

Maybe you'll get the last question right... Maybe...



Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono, and ??? What is the name of the fifth daughter?






~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~





Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary ! Read the question again!











Okay, now the Bonus round,
i.e., a final chance to

redeem yourself:








A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~






It's really very simple

He opens his mouth and ask for it...

Does your employer actually pay you to think??

If so Do NOT let them see your answers for this test!


PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
Have a nice day, one and all.

 

[dmoore19]

OK Cave Diver, now I feel really stupid. Thanks, thats great stuff

 

[Cave Diver]

OK Cave Diver, now I feel really stupid. Thanks, thats great stuff

I'm happy to share.

 

[dmoore19]

I have a friend that went out one night and was overserved. Being completely blasted and very late he called his wife. He told her "Ellen, Don't pay the ransom, I've escaped".

 

[Rhone Man]

Oldie but a goodie... the art of proofreading (copy pasted from e-mail).


Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

No kidding, really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death

The-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************
And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

 

[ScubaSteve]

For some reason this one made me laugh this morning.

A blonde walks into a local dry cleaners that is run by a very nice Chinese lady. The blonde hands her the shirt and goes to leave. The nice Chinese lady thanks her and says "Come again".

To this the blonde replies "No it is toothpaste this time you nosy b!tch!"

 

[Rhone Man]

Gordon the Chicken

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred
young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, to
fertilise the pullets' eggs.

Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup
pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set
of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different
tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now
he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by
listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was
too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed Gordon's bell hadn't rung
at all!

Trevor went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets,
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's
amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him into the London Exhibition and
Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The Result?

The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also
awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our
planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them
when they weren't paying attention.

Do you know a Politician called Gordon?