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Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

Discussion in 'Humor, Games, Clips, Yarns & Tales' started by sandshaker, Nov 1, 2006.

  1. msbrew

    msbrew Contributor

    # of Dives: 50 - 99
    Location: Sacramento, California
    250
    5
    :rofl3::rofl3::rofl3::rofl3::rofl3::rofl3::rofl3::rofl3::rofl3::rofl3::rofl3::rofl3:
     
  2. Rhone Man

    Rhone Man Divemaster

    # of Dives: 1,000 - 2,499
    Location: British Virgin Islands
    11,299
    10,729
    (from an e-mail)

    New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

    I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

    For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concent rate on the enemy.

    Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some a$$hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

    An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical SOB....

    If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real stretch.

    Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

    They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

    Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

    An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

    These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

    Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

    ***How about recruiting Women over 50 .......with PMS !!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my Lord!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol.....we will have it secured the first night!

    Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.
     
  3. ScubaSteve

    ScubaSteve Wow.....what a DB

    # of Dives: 200 - 499
    Location: Acton, Ontario
    23,370
    4,416
    Not dive related but I think I am going to do after the bar tomorrow night :thumb:

     
  4. Scuba Do

    Scuba Do Solo Diver

    # of Dives: 25 - 49
    Location: Right here!
    4,331
    0
    Not realy apropo to this thread, but awesome pictures Steve.
     
  5. ScubaSteve

    ScubaSteve Wow.....what a DB

    # of Dives: 200 - 499
    Location: Acton, Ontario
    23,370
    4,416
    Thanks Scuba Do.
     
  6. crd_kats

    crd_kats ... :) ... ScubaBoard Supporter

    # of Dives: 500 - 999
    Location: SE, FL
    1,885
    50
    OldTimer Sex


    This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!

    The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind this very village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you..'

    Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

    OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

    Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

    A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

    The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

    The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

    Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

    Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

    The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

    After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

    So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

    Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.
     
  7. sandshaker

    sandshaker Contributor

    # of Dives: 100 - 199
    Location: Panama City Beach, FL.
    3,706
    22
    ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh thats BADD!!!!

    Blonde paint job
    A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

    "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
    The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
    The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

    A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
    "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
     
  8. mlkco

    mlkco Contributor

    # of Dives: 50 - 99
    Location: New Hampshire
    2,368
    16
    The Boss
    All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
    trying to decide who was the one in charge.

    "I should be in charge," said the brain,
    "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."


    "I should be in charge," said the blood ,
    "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."



    "I should be in charge," said the stomach ,
    "because I process food and give all of you energy."


    "I should be in charge," said the legs,
    "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."


    "I should be in charge," said the eyes,
    "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."


    "I should be in charge," said the rectum,
    "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."


    All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
    and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

    Within a few days,

    the brain had a terrible headache,

    the stomach was bloated,

    the legs got wobbly,

    the eyes got watery,

    and the blood was toxic.

    So they all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

    The Moral of the story?

    The ass hole is usually the one in charge
     
  9. sibermike7

    sibermike7 ScubaBoard Supporter ScubaBoard Supporter

    # of Dives: I just don't log dives
    Location: Tallinn, Estonia
    1,211
    141
    Young husband: "Why can't you make bread like my mother does?"

    Young bride: "Why can't you make dough like my father does?"
     
  10. sibermike7

    sibermike7 ScubaBoard Supporter ScubaBoard Supporter

    # of Dives: I just don't log dives
    Location: Tallinn, Estonia
    1,211
    141
    "I used to watch golf on TV but my doctor told me that I need more exercise, so now I watch soccer."
     

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