Deefstes
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Job at the CIA
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them!!!!
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them!!!!
Reminds me of another oldie:
President Obama decides to test the quality of his various law enforcement agencies. He gathers elite teams from the FBI, the CIA and LAPD and tells them that there is a rabbit in the woods, and he wants them to retrieve it.
The FBI try first. They order the rabbit to run himself in using a megaphone. After 5 minutes, when the rabbit fails to appear, they charge in, all guns blazing, shooting anything that moves. They leave a trail of death and destruction. They do not find the rabbit but presume it must be dead. They make no apologies - the rabbit had it coming.
The CIA try next. They send in a number of covert operatives. They plant informants everywhere. They bribe various small woodland creatures to try and ascertain the whereabouts of the rabbit. They study satellite images and monitor e-mail traffic on the internet. Nothing works. They report that the rabbit does not in fact exist.
Then the officers from the LAPD march in. For about 20 minutes, no sound is heard. And then at last they come back out, frog-marching a bear who is yelling "OK, OK, God damn it! I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
President Obama decides to test the quality of his various law enforcement agencies. He gathers elite teams from the FBI, the CIA and LAPD and tells them that there is a rabbit in the woods, and he wants them to retrieve it.
The FBI try first. They order the rabbit to run himself in using a megaphone. After 5 minutes, when the rabbit fails to appear, they charge in, all guns blazing, shooting anything that moves. They leave a trail of death and destruction. They do not find the rabbit but presume it must be dead. They make no apologies - the rabbit had it coming.
The CIA try next. They send in a number of covert operatives. They plant informants everywhere. They bribe various small woodland creatures to try and ascertain the whereabouts of the rabbit. They study satellite images and monitor e-mail traffic on the internet. Nothing works. They report that the rabbit does not in fact exist.
Then the officers from the LAPD march in. For about 20 minutes, no sound is heard. And then at last they come back out, frog-marching a bear who is yelling "OK, OK, God damn it! I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"
ScubaSteve
Wow.....what a DB
That is one of my favourites.
Another is.....
Three women: One engaged,One married and a Mistress..........?
They are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men...that night all three will wear a leather bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend: "The other night when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and a mask. When he saw me he said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you"...then we made love all night long.
The mistress: "Ah! Me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say anything.....but we had one wild night."
The married one: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night. I got myself ready- leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband comes home from work, opens the door and says, "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"
Another is.....
Three women: One engaged,One married and a Mistress..........?
They are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men...that night all three will wear a leather bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again.....
The engaged girlfriend: "The other night when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and a mask. When he saw me he said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you"...then we made love all night long.
The mistress: "Ah! Me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say anything.....but we had one wild night."
The married one: "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night. I got myself ready- leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband comes home from work, opens the door and says, "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"
Randy43068
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ScubaSteve
Wow.....what a DB
That's not bad, coming from you.
After the
that I got I learned to not always speak my mind 
Cerebral_Origami
Registered
In the spirit of oldies but goodies...
It's:
Randy the Rooster
A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants
chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks
if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this
great rooster, named Randy; “he’ll service every chicken
you’ve got. No problem.”
Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer
decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes
Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the
rooster a pep talk, ” Randy, I want you to pace yourself now.
You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a
lot of money and I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your
time and have some fun,” the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the
hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails
every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is
just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock
of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese.
Randy’s up in the pigpen. He’s in with the cows. Randy is
jumping on every animal the farmer owns.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster
won’t even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed
and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob
in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The
farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes
his head and says, “Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I
tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to
yourself.”
Randy opens one eye, and looks towards the buzzards flying
overhead and say’s, “Shhh. They’re getting closer….”
It's:
Randy the Rooster
A farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants
chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks
if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this
great rooster, named Randy; “he’ll service every chicken
you’ve got. No problem.”
Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer
decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes
Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the
rooster a pep talk, ” Randy, I want you to pace yourself now.
You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a
lot of money and I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your
time and have some fun,” the farmer said with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points towards the
hen house and Randy took off like a shot ~WHAM~ He nails
every hen on there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is
just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock
of geese down by the lake ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese.
Randy’s up in the pigpen. He’s in with the cows. Randy is
jumping on every animal the farmer owns.
The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster
won’t even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed
and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob
in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The
farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes
his head and says, “Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I
tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to
yourself.”
Randy opens one eye, and looks towards the buzzards flying
overhead and say’s, “Shhh. They’re getting closer….”
Deefstes
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After checking into the hotel room I called down to reception to ask if the porn channel is disabled to which the lady replied; "no it's regular porn you sick bastard!"
WOODMAN
Contributor
The god Thor decided to come down from Valhalla and have himself a little fun with one of the vestal virgins at the temple. He picked one and proceeded to have at her for most of the night. Come dawn he was preparing to float back home, when it occurred to him that he should at least tell the girl who he was and inform her of the honor which had been bestowed on her. So he turned to her and proclaimed "I'M THOR!" She replied, "Tho am I, but it thure wath fun anyway!"
Discrimination... will it never end?
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