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Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

Discussion in 'Humor, Games, Clips, Yarns & Tales' started by sandshaker, Nov 1, 2006.

  1. pidgiepoo

    pidgiepoo Contributor

    # of Dives: 200 - 499
    Location: columbus, ohio
    1,376
    515
    Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > "Windows frozen."
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > Husband texts back:
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > "Pour some lukewarm water over it."
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
    >
    >
    >
    >
    > "Computer completely screwed up now."
     
    sibermike7 likes this.
  2. Jax

    Jax Deplorable American ScubaBoard Supporter

    # of Dives: 200 - 499
    Location: AZ TX
    26,682
    8,880
    Another water joke!

    A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.

    The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

    He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way."
     
  3. pidgiepoo

    pidgiepoo Contributor

    # of Dives: 200 - 499
    Location: columbus, ohio
    1,376
    515
    -----
    > Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know the
    > meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know
    > the meaning of a lot of words."
    > ___________________________________________
    >
    > Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
    >
    > So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday,
    > and pick up trash on Monday.
    > ___________________________________________
    >
    > What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
    >
    > Drool.
    > ___________________________________________
    >
    > How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light
    > bulb?
    >
    > None. That's a sophomore course.
    > ___________________________________________
    >
    > How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?
    >
    > The cow fell on him.
    > ___________________________________________
    >
    > Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.
    >
    > One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."
    >
    > The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"
    > ___________________________________________
    >
    > A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed yesterday in
    > a tragic horseback-riding accident.
    >
    > He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.
    >
    > Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse.
    > ___________________________________________
    > ___________________________________________
    >
    > What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player
    > dressed in a three-piece suit? "
    >
    > "Will the defendant please rise."
    > ___________________________________________
    >
    > If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is
    > driving?
    >
    > The police officer.
    > ___________________________________________
    >
    > How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?
    >
    > There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
    > ___________________________________________
    >
    > What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
    >
    > A full set of teeth.
    > ___________________________________________
    >
    > University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his
    > players for the game this week; the
    > other half will have to dress themselves.
    > ___________________________________________
    >
    > How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?
    >
    > They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
    > ___________________________________________
    >
    > Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?
    >
    > He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
    > ___________________________________________
    >
    > How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?
    >
    > Pay him for the pizza.
    > ___________________________________________
    >
    > What are the longest three years of a University of Kentucky football
    > player’s life?
    >
    > Freshman I, Freshman II, and Freshman III.





    ---------- Post Merged at 09:56 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 03:07 AM ----------


    > An Australian Love Poem.
    > (Who said Australians weren't romantic?)
    >
    >
    > Of course I love ya darlin
    > You're a bloody top-notch bird
    > And when I say you're gorgeous
    > I mean every single word.
    > So ya bum is on the big side
    > I don't mind a bit of flab
    > It means that when I'm ready
    > There's somethin there to grab.
    > So your belly isn't flat no more
    > I tell ya, I don't care
    > So long as when I cuddle ya
    > I can get my arms round there.
    > No Sheila who is your age
    > Has nice round perky breasts
    > Yours just gave in to gravity
    > But I know ya did ya best.
    > I'm tellin' ya the truth now
    > I never tell ya lies
    > I think it’s very sexy, that
    > You've got dimples on ya thighs.
    > I swear on me nana's grave now
    > The moment that we met
    > I thought you was as good as I was ever gonna get.
    > No matter what you look like
    > I'll always love ya dear
    > Now shut up while the footballs on
    > And fetch another beer.

    ---------- Post Merged at 10:08 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 03:07 AM ----------

    While Peter was sunbathing naked at the beach,
    > for the sake of civility and to keep it from getting sun burned, he had a
    > hat over his private parts.
    >
    >
    > A woman walked past and said, snickering,
    > "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
    >
    >
    > He raised an eyebrow and replied,
    > "If you were better looking, it would lift itself."

    ---------- Post Merged on November 7th, 2012 at 09:38 AM ---------- Previous Post was on November 6th, 2012 at 03:07 AM ----------

    As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world,
    I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life for me!


    1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.


    2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.


    3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.


    4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.


    And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.


    I'm retired. Go around me.
     
    goflyplanes, Jax and Insta-Gator like this.
  4. goflyplanes

    goflyplanes Instructor, Scuba

    # of Dives: 200 - 499
    Location: Columbus, GA
    154
    68
  5. JazzeD

    JazzeD Registered

    # of Dives: 200 - 499
    Location: Cape Town, South Africa
    32
    7
    An 83 year old British gentleman arrived in Paris by plane.

    As he was fumbling in his bag for his passport a stern French lady asked if he had been to Paris before.

    He admitted he had indeed been previously. The lady sarcastically said 'then you should know to have your passport out and waiting sir'.

    The gentleman said 'I didn't have to show it last time I was here'.

    Impossible!! The women said, you British have always had to show your passports to get into France.

    The man responded by whispering, Well, when i came ashore the beach on D day in 1944, I couldn't find a French man to show my passport !!!
     
  6. sandshaker

    sandshaker Contributor

    # of Dives: 100 - 199
    Location: Panama City Beach, FL.
    3,706
    22
    HOLEY POOP!!!! (I don't have a joke just havn't been on here in a kazzilion yrs lol) ok as you were k bye :wink:
     
  7. pidgiepoo

    pidgiepoo Contributor

    # of Dives: 200 - 499
    Location: columbus, ohio
    1,376
    515
    Well, I wondered what happened to you ?????!!!!!!! About time you showed up again :)

    ---------- Post Merged on November 11th, 2012 at 09:58 AM ---------- Previous Post was on November 10th, 2012 at 03:53 AM ----------

    The Dreaded Call..
    >
    >
    >
    > My boss phoned me today. He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"
    >
    > I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't
    > stopped to take a break all day."
    >
    >
    >
    > "Can you do me a favor?" he asked.
    >
    >
    >
    > I said, "Of course, what is it?"
    >
    >
    >
    > Pick up the pace a little. I'm in the foursome behind you."
     
    Mark Derail likes this.
  8. pidgiepoo

    pidgiepoo Contributor

    # of Dives: 200 - 499
    Location: columbus, ohio
    1,376
    515
    > "I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?
    >
    >
    > Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of
    > the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whisky into urine.
    >
    >
    >
    > It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and
    > I really enjoy it."
    >
    > Harold should be an inspiration to us all.
     
    Mark Derail likes this.
  9. ScubaSteve

    ScubaSteve Wow.....what a DB

    # of Dives: 200 - 499
    Location: Acton, Ontario
    23,370
    4,416
    I just about spit my breakfast out reading this :rofl3:. Bravo!

     
  10. 4dawgma

    4dawgma Regular of the Pub

    400
    387

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