Split from Rob & Ken's latest rant, "you'll look like a dork..."
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Ken
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DO NOT GET A RELIEF ZIPPER!!! Everyone will laugh at you and you will look like a dork.
Spring for an overboard discharge valve and you won't have to call your dive short to unzip and pee. Relief zippers are so NE coast!
Do forget the snorkel: Leave it in the dive bag or in the garage. Wear it on a dive and we'll laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
And the pig sticker on your calf: This is not WWII and you ain't Lloyd Bridges. Wear that thing and we'll laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
Spare Aire? Leave it at the dive shop, roll with one of these and we'll laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
And be sure to peel that damn bulls-eye sticker off your PST tank before you get it wet, or we'll we'll all laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
And get your Viz sticker placed on the INSIDE of your tank - facing your back, or we'll all laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
And ditch the ankle weights and gaiters - leave the trainining wheels for the NE divers with the horizontal zippers. Roll in with those and we'll all laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
And you have got to be kidding with that blinking light on the back of your tank. That is so AOW. Pull it off and leave it in the car for our next night dive, or we'll all laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
About that (j)Yoke valve... OY. This is SoCal, not some quarry dive. Lose that thing and get a DIN set up or we'll all laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
Are you still diving wet gloves with your dry suit? C'mon, lose those rigit digits and go blue, my man. Dry gloves are the new black. Coming up from a 90 minute SoCal dive with blue nails when you should be diving blue gloves just makes us want to all laugh at you cuz you look like a frozen dorkcicle.
And those Force Fins. You're kidding right? Listen Daffy, leave those to the resort divers and their JellyBean AL80's. Show up in a pair of those waddlers and we'll all laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
About that $300 Atomic "Safe Second" in bright red? At depth, its no longer red, Einstein. Roll in with one of those when you could do a better job with a $125 real regulator and we'll laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
If you don't tuck in your Drysuit hood, and insist on diving with it flapping in the breeze looking all Sir Walter Raleigh, well, you're just sad. Listen Beefeater, tuck the thing in, please. If you don't we'll laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
If you're gonna dive Rock Boots with your DUI's (I do) please trim those laces. You're not in grade school gym. Listen Hackman, Hoosers was a long time ago, and nobody has wrapped laces around their ankles since the Johnson Administration. Long laces thankfully went the way of the NBA's tight shorts. Trim those laces or we'll laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
Do I really have to come over there and cut off that flapping valve cap? Here's some news: When the valve is on, and the reg connected, you don't need the cap. Pull the cap off the tank valve and leave it in the car or we'll laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
Colorful hose wraps? Dude, listen: dollar hookers and freshly minted SSI divers wear colorful fishnets (not that that's a deal breaker) - real divers dive real hoses. Leave the $50 matching hose wrap job for the wankers in the 909. If you want to be taken seriously as a diver, roll in serious gear. Show up at the dive site with purple hose wrap and matching purple strain reliefs and we'll laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
Bust out a hammer and knock the tank boots off your doubles, bro. Nothing says "I'm diving rental gear" like tank boots on doubles. If you gotta stand up the twin towers, you're a loser and we'll laugh at you and you'll look like a dork.
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Feel free to add to this list as you are inspired.
