Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[The Anchor]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question! Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants"
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong!"

 

[Rhone Man]

An etiquette teacher was giving lessons at a boy's school as to how they should behave properly in social situations.

"Say for example," started the teacher, "that you are having dinner with a lady, and you need to visit the rest room. How would you address your dinner companion?"

The first boy ventures as response. "Excuse me, I gotta pee?"

The teacher smiles. "No, we are looking for something a little better than that. Would anyone else like to try?"

A second by shyly ventures a response. "Pardon me, but I need to go to the bathroom?"

"That's a nice try," says the teacher, "but 'bathroom' is an ugly word. We need to find a way to talk around it, so that we don't lie to our companion, but we avoid any hint of vulgarity."

A third boy desperately sticks up his hand for a turn, thinking he finally understands what is required. The teacher nods to him to try.

"Please can you possibly excuse for a moment," the third boy announces. "I have to go and shake hands with an old friend, whom I hope to be able to introduce you to later?"

 

[911Diver]

An etiquette teacher was giving lessons at a boy's school as to how they should behave properly in social situations.

"Say for example," started the teacher, "that you are having dinner with a lady, and you need to visit the rest room. How would you address your dinner companion?"

The first boy ventures as response. "Excuse me, I gotta pee?"

The teacher smiles. "No, we are looking for something a little better than that. Would anyone else like to try?"

A second by shyly ventures a response. "Pardon me, but I need to go to the bathroom?"

"That's a nice try," says the teacher, "but 'bathroom' is an ugly word. We need to find a way to talk around it, so that we don't lie to our companion, but we avoid any hint of vulgarity."

A third boy desperately sticks up his hand for a turn, thinking he finally understands what is required. The teacher nods to him to try.

"Please can you possibly excuse for a moment," the third boy announces. "I have to go and shake hands with an old friend, whom I hope to be able to introduce you to later?"

Oldie, but goodie... that one always makes me laugh!

 

[DivingPrincessE]

Not sure how many of you listen to pop-rap, but I thought this one was funny.

 

[The Anchor]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....


Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull**** and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 

[sandshaker]

^^^Pfttt^^^ good one!!


This is freakin' Funny

YouTube - Why Women need Catalogs

 

[m3830431]

There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen.

The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener.

I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . ."

 

[sandshaker]

^^^ppffftttt... lmaorof^^^^^

THIS IS SO TRUE!!!! JOB - URINE TEST

(I sure would like to know who wrote this one! They deserve a HUGE pat on
the back!)

Like a lot of folks in this state, I have a job. I work, they pay me. I
pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In
order to get that paycheck, I am required to pass a random urine test with
which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is the distribution
of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn' t one
have to pass a urine test to get a welfare check because I have to pass one
to earn it for them? Please understand, I have no problem with helping
people get back on their feet. I do, on the other hand, have a problem with
helping someone sitting on their A$$, doing drugs, while I work. . . Can
you imagine how much money the state would save if people had to pass a
urine test to get a public assistance check? Pass this along if you agree< BR>or simply delete if you don't. I hope you all will pass it along. . .
Something has to change in this country -- and so

 

[The Anchor]

Please join me in remembering a a great icon. The pilsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 72.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased casket. Douzend of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisens, Betty Crocker, the hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours as longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy. She poured on the compliments, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.

He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crust old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, pluss they had a bun in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart and his reckless, pool-shooting second cousin, Hot Pocket.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

 

[kilo_fox]

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.