Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here
- Thread starter sandshaker
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The Chairman
Chairman of the Board
I bet that was Capt Slate.
burna
Contributor
The great thing about alziheimers is you get to meet new friends every day!
pidgiepoo
Contributor
The Mrs. was watching a cooking show the other day.
I said, "What are you watching that for? You can't cook."
She said, "You watch porn."
I said, "What are you watching that for? You can't cook."
She said, "You watch porn."
pidgiepoo
Contributor
The wife and I were at home watching TV.
>
> I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a
>
> fishing channel and the porn channel.
>
> She became more and more annoyed and finally said:
>
> "For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel!
>
> You already know how to fish !!!
>
> I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a
>
> fishing channel and the porn channel.
>
> She became more and more annoyed and finally said:
>
> "For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel!
>
> You already know how to fish !!!
billtodive
Contributor
He Grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.
He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.
When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking "No" for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ... "Okay Mam," said a voice, "All done."
My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse. "You can board your flight now.":kiss2:
He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear. "Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.
When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking "No" for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ... "Okay Mam," said a voice, "All done."
My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse. "You can board your flight now.":kiss2:
pidgiepoo
Contributor
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The old guy obeys and says,"99".
The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".
Again, the old guy says, '99'."
The doctor said, "Very good". Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The old guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three".
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing!!!
The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The old guy obeys and says,"99".
The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".
Again, the old guy says, '99'."
The doctor said, "Very good". Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The old guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three".
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing!!!
pidgiepoo
Contributor
SCOTCH?
On the last day of school before Christmas break, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?. "No," said the little boy.............."It's a puppy!"
On the last day of school before Christmas break, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?. "No," said the little boy.............."It's a puppy!"
pidgiepoo
Contributor
>> Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual
> > >> park bench one morning.
> > >>
> > >> The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't
> > >> even short of breath.
> > >>
> > >> The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him
> > >> what he did to have so much energy.
> > >>
> > >> The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps
> > >> your energy level high and you'll also have great stamina with the
> > >> ladies."
> > >>
> > >> So, on the way home, 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was
> > >> looking
> > >> around, the lady behind the counter asked if he needed any help.
> > >>
> > >> He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
> > >>
> > >> She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
> > >>
> > >> He said, "I want 5 loaves."
> > >>
> > >> She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves .. By the time you get to the
> > >> 3rd loaf, it'll be hard"
> > >>
> > >> He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this crap
> > >> but me."
> > >> park bench one morning.
> > >>
> > >> The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't
> > >> even short of breath.
> > >>
> > >> The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him
> > >> what he did to have so much energy.
> > >>
> > >> The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps
> > >> your energy level high and you'll also have great stamina with the
> > >> ladies."
> > >>
> > >> So, on the way home, 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was
> > >> looking
> > >> around, the lady behind the counter asked if he needed any help.
> > >>
> > >> He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"
> > >>
> > >> She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
> > >>
> > >> He said, "I want 5 loaves."
> > >>
> > >> She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves .. By the time you get to the
> > >> 3rd loaf, it'll be hard"
> > >>
> > >> He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this crap
> > >> but me."
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