Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[sassyalice]

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where means a smile and is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "ass-cons"? Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_._) a flat ass

(_^_) a bubble ass

(_*_) a sore ass

(_!__) a lop-sided ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_O_) an ass that's been around even more

(_x_) kiss my ass

(_X_) leave my ass alone

(_zzz_) a tired ass

(_o^o_) a wise ass

(_13_) an unlucky ass

(_$_) Money coming out of his ass

(_?_) Dumb Ass

 

[sassyalice]

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.

"Stanley," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Stanley?"

"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support
of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right question time. Who has a question?" Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve! ," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"Actually , I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the hell happened to Stanley?"

 

[Farback]

A guy from the city is out for a drive in the country in his BMW. He comes around a bend and sees a farmer with an enormous pig in his arms. He staggering around under the weight, holding the pig up to the branches of an apple tree so the pig can eat apples. He watches this for a while, the farmer straining to lift the pig from branch to branch. He says to the farmer, "Wouldn't it save time to put the pig on the ground and shake the apples off the tree for him?" The farmer stares at him for a minute, and says "You damn city fool, what does time matter to a pig?"

 

[sassyalice]

Obama is out jogging one morning, notices Little Johnny on the corner with a box. Curious he runs over to Little Johnny and says, "What's in the box kid?"

Little Johnny says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."

Obama laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"

"Republicans," says Little Johnny.

"Oh that's cute," he says and he goes on his way.

A couple of days later Obama is running with his buddy Joe Biden and he spies Little Johnny with his box just ahead.

Obama says to Joe, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to Little Johnny.

Obama says, "Look in the box Joe, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens. Hey kid tell my friend Joe what kind of kittens they are."

Little Johnny replies, "They're Democrats."

"Whoa!" Obama says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What's up?"

"Well," Little Johnny explains, "Their eyes are open now."

 

[sassyalice]

Him: "I woke up with a hard-on this morning, and it had your name written all over it."

Her: "I'm sure my name is far too long to fit the whole thing on your dick."

Him: "Oh, yeah? What's your name?"

Her: "Lu.

 

[sassyalice]

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other.

The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg.

The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles.

The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!!"

 

[billtodive]

A guy walks into a country bar down in Arkansas and orders
a white wine. All the rednecks sitting around the bar
look up, expecting to see some Yankee.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Idaho ."
Not knowing where Idaho is, the bartender says,
"What do you do in Idaho ?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is
a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers,
"It's okay boys. He's one of us."

 

[AlbertaDan]

Two Newfies from Upper Island Cove went out for dinner. When they got tto the restaurant they noticed lobster dinner wqas the special. When their dinner came out one of them noticed his lobster was missing a claw. He called the waitress over and asked why the lobster was missing the claw.

The waitress patiently explained that sometimes the lobsters fight and lose a claw.

The man from Upper Island Cove exclaimed, "Well take this one back and bring me out the winnah!!!"

 

[AlbertaDan]

What do Harley Davidson's and dogs have in common?
They both like to ride around in the back of pick up trucks.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

What is the difference between Harley Davidsons and Hoover?
The dirt bag is on the inside of the Hoover.

Yes there is a Harley in my garage....

 

[AlbertaDan]

One day three engineers were discussing which type of engineer designed the human body.

The first, an electrical engineer said it had to be an electrical engineer. The complexity of the nervous sytem and the ability to make muscles move he explained could only be done by a somebody with his knowledge.

The second, a mechanical engineer said it had to be a mechanical engineer. The differnt types of joints. A simple hinge like a knee to a more complex ball and socket like a shoulder made it only possible by a mechanical engineer.

The third, a structural said it could only be a civil engineer that designed the human body.

Who else would put a toxic waste outlet right next to a playground...