CHILI COOK-OFFS
Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention
to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this
is! They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo
comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at
the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this behind closed
doors because, if you are like me, you will be howling out loud.
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to
be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person
called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing
there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon,
when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I
accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
____________________________________________________
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy cow, what the heck is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers
to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These
Texans are crazy.
____________________________________________________CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure
what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off
two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They
had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
____________________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting drunk from all the beer.
____________________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb.
woman is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
___________________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage,
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
___________________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I soiled myself when I farted and
I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except that Sally, She must
be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need
to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
__________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in
a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note
that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in
a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At
least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it
in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
____________________________________________________
CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili,
safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare
it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was
lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled
the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted
to a really hot chili?
Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention
to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this
is! They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo
comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at
the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this behind closed
doors because, if you are like me, you will be howling out loud.
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to
be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person
called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing
there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon,
when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I
accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
____________________________________________________
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy cow, what the heck is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers
to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These
Texans are crazy.
____________________________________________________CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure
what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off
two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They
had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
____________________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting drunk from all the beer.
____________________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb.
woman is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
___________________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage,
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly
on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
___________________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I soiled myself when I farted and
I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except that Sally, She must
be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need
to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
__________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in
a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note
that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in
a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At
least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it
in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
____________________________________________________
CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili,
safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare
it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was
lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled
the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted
to a really hot chili?
