inventor
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I may have accidentally, stolen, edited, and posted the pilot jokes on my Facebook.
Completely innocently of course.:shocked2:Paul Paige, Las Vegas, avatar is guy flying with a wing on his back. Save you a few seconds.
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- Thread starter sandshaker
- Start date
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I may have accidentally, stolen, edited, and posted the pilot jokes on my Facebook.
Completely innocently of course.:shocked2:Paul Paige, Las Vegas, avatar is guy flying with a wing on his back. Save you a few seconds.
Subject: Wal-Martians
Yep, they still walk among us.....
Normally he would have to take his shirt off to take a crap, but not now!!
Putting this ass in camouflage pants is like trying to hide
an elephant behind a Kia.
See, I thought she was that bitch, but I wasn't sure.
Those damn hunters finally tracked down the Cookie Monster.
Who wears two pairs of jeans and has an insatiable thirst
for Wild Cherry Pepsi? This guy.
WTF?
Is that dude's ass winking at me?
For those times when you just can't wait for the bleach to set.
You need fried okra and chicken strips now.
So these two are picking out costumes so they can dress "silly"
for Halloween. Yep!
Jessie, I'm pretty sure they test for crack here.
Holy golden F-bombs, I need that outfit.
People - This is what a knitting accident looks like.
Destined to be on the "When Yarn Attacks" show.
Bubba should have visited the underwear isle.
Looks like he blew out his shirt.
Wicked mix of Punk, Goth, Ghetto and Village People. Go sista!
I have infinite admiration for the sheer strength of good quality denim.
And I will be eternally thankful if it waits until she reaches her car
before it explodes.
She wanna be one o' dem Star Trek Andoreans,
but in the mean time .
OMFG MY EYES
Call the paramedics!! This lady's head is on backwards.
And cover that up!
Good thing the shirt didn't start with "I'm".
The Mellings Institute cross-breeding experiment between humans
and beavers in an attempt to increase productivity
has gone horribly awry.
See?? Even Bigfoot shops there. Gotta great deal on 7 cases of Nair.
This guy is lucky. Most people have it on their backs.
Have we been using lemon water in the douche again??
Moesha back at Customer Service to return the Silly String she thought was hair spray.
Yep, they still walk among us.....
Normally he would have to take his shirt off to take a crap, but not now!!
Putting this ass in camouflage pants is like trying to hide
an elephant behind a Kia.
See, I thought she was that bitch, but I wasn't sure.
Those damn hunters finally tracked down the Cookie Monster.
Who wears two pairs of jeans and has an insatiable thirst
for Wild Cherry Pepsi? This guy.
WTF?
Is that dude's ass winking at me?
For those times when you just can't wait for the bleach to set.
You need fried okra and chicken strips now.
So these two are picking out costumes so they can dress "silly"
for Halloween. Yep!
Jessie, I'm pretty sure they test for crack here.
Holy golden F-bombs, I need that outfit.
People - This is what a knitting accident looks like.
Destined to be on the "When Yarn Attacks" show.
Bubba should have visited the underwear isle.
Looks like he blew out his shirt.
Wicked mix of Punk, Goth, Ghetto and Village People. Go sista!
I have infinite admiration for the sheer strength of good quality denim.
And I will be eternally thankful if it waits until she reaches her car
before it explodes.
She wanna be one o' dem Star Trek Andoreans,
but in the mean time .
OMFG MY EYES
Call the paramedics!! This lady's head is on backwards.
And cover that up!
Good thing the shirt didn't start with "I'm".
The Mellings Institute cross-breeding experiment between humans
and beavers in an attempt to increase productivity
has gone horribly awry.
See?? Even Bigfoot shops there. Gotta great deal on 7 cases of Nair.
This guy is lucky. Most people have it on their backs.
Have we been using lemon water in the douche again??
Moesha back at Customer Service to return the Silly String she thought was hair spray.
>Why God made Moms -- BRILLIANT Answers given by 2nd grade school children
>to the following questions!!
>
>
>Why did God make mothers?
>
>
>
>1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
>
>
>
>2. Mostly to clean the house.
>
>
>
>3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
>
>
>>
>How did God make mothers?
>
>
>
>1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
>
>
>
>2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring
>
>
>
>3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
>parts.
>
>
>
>What ingredients are mothers made of?
>
>
>
>1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in
>the
>world and one dab of mean.
>
>
>
>2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
>string, I think.
>
>
>Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mom?
>
>
>
>1. We're related
>
>
>
>2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
>
>
>
>What kind of little girl was your mom?
>
>
>
>1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
>
>
>
>2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
>
>
>
>3. They say she used to be nice.
>
>
>What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
>
>
>
>1. His last name.
>
>
>
>2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk
>on beer?
>
>
>
>3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
>chores?
>
>
>>
>Why did your mom marry your dad?
>
>
>
>1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
>
>
>
>2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
>
>
>3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
>
>
>
>Who's the boss at your house?
>
>
>
>1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
>ball.
>
>
>
>2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
>
>
>
>3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
>>
>
>What's the difference between moms & dads?
>
>
>
>1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
>
>
>>2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
>
>3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
>that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
>
>>
>4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
>
>
>What does your mom do in her spare time?
>
>1. Mothers don't do spare time.
>
>2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
>
>What would it take to make your mom perfect
>1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
>plastic surgery>
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
>>
>If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
>
>>1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of
>that.
>
>2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it
>and not me.
>
>3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of
>her head.
>
>to the following questions!!
>
>
>Why did God make mothers?
>
>
>
>1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
>
>
>
>2. Mostly to clean the house.
>
>
>
>3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
>
>
>>
>How did God make mothers?
>
>
>
>1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
>
>
>
>2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring
>
>
>
>3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
>parts.
>
>
>
>What ingredients are mothers made of?
>
>
>
>1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in
>the
>world and one dab of mean.
>
>
>
>2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
>string, I think.
>
>
>Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mom?
>
>
>
>1. We're related
>
>
>
>2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
>
>
>
>What kind of little girl was your mom?
>
>
>
>1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
>
>
>
>2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
>
>
>
>3. They say she used to be nice.
>
>
>What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
>
>
>
>1. His last name.
>
>
>
>2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk
>on beer?
>
>
>
>3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
>chores?
>
>
>>
>Why did your mom marry your dad?
>
>
>
>1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
>
>
>
>2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
>
>
>3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
>
>
>
>Who's the boss at your house?
>
>
>
>1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
>ball.
>
>
>
>2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
>
>
>
>3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
>>
>
>What's the difference between moms & dads?
>
>
>
>1. Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
>
>
>>2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
>
>3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
>that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
>
>>
>4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
>
>
>What does your mom do in her spare time?
>
>1. Mothers don't do spare time.
>
>2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
>
>What would it take to make your mom perfect
>1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
>plastic surgery>
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
>>
>If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
>
>>1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of
>that.
>
>2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it
>and not me.
>
>3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of
>her head.
>
>>Never Argue with a Woman
>>>
>>>
>>>One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
>>>decides
>>>to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
>>>decides to take
>>>the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads
>>>her book.
>>>
>>>Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the
>>>woman and
>>>says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
>>>"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
>>>"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
>>>"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
>>>"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
>>>start at any
>>>moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
>>>"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"
>>>says the
>>>woman.
>>>"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
>>>"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
>>>could start
>>>at any moment."
>>>"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
>>>
>>>MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can
>>>also think .
>>
>>>
>>>
>>>One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and
>>>decides
>>>to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
>>>decides to take
>>>the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads
>>>her book.
>>>
>>>Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the
>>>woman and
>>>says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
>>>"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
>>>"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
>>>"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
>>>"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could
>>>start at any
>>>moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
>>>"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"
>>>says the
>>>woman.
>>>"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
>>>"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you
>>>could start
>>>at any moment."
>>>"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.
>>>
>>>MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can
>>>also think .
>>
>>Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought
>>about;
>> Can you cry under water?
>>
>>
>> How important does a person have to be before they are considered
>> assassinated instead of just murdered?
>>
>>
>> Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only
>> a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
>>
>>
>> Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you
>> were buried in for eternity?
>>
>> Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
>>
>>
>> What disease did cured ham actually have?
>>
>>
>> How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it
>> would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
>>
>>
>> Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies
>> wake up like every two hours?
>>
>>
>> If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a
>> hearing?
>>
>>
>> Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
>>
>>
>> Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
>> binoculars to look at things on the ground?
>>
>>
>> Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to
>> see you naked anyway.
>>
>> Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural
>>
>>
>> Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
>> horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
>>
>>
>>
>> If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song
>> about him?
>>
>> Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
>>
>> If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
>> coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
>>
>>
>> Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time,
>> but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
>>
>>
>> Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
>> They're both dogs!
>>
>>
>> If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap,
>> why didn't he just buy dinner?
>>
>>
>> If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
>> vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
>>
>>
>> If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
>> morons?
>>
>>
>> Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
>> same tune?
>>
>> Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
>>
>>
>> Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets
>> mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out
>> the window
>>about;
>> Can you cry under water?
>>
>>
>> How important does a person have to be before they are considered
>> assassinated instead of just murdered?
>>
>>
>> Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only
>> a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
>>
>>
>> Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you
>> were buried in for eternity?
>>
>> Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
>>
>>
>> What disease did cured ham actually have?
>>
>>
>> How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it
>> would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
>>
>>
>> Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies
>> wake up like every two hours?
>>
>>
>> If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a
>> hearing?
>>
>>
>> Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
>>
>>
>> Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
>> binoculars to look at things on the ground?
>>
>>
>> Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to
>> see you naked anyway.
>>
>> Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural
>>
>>
>> Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
>> horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
>>
>>
>>
>> If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song
>> about him?
>>
>> Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
>>
>> If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
>> coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
>>
>>
>> Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time,
>> but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
>>
>>
>> Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
>> They're both dogs!
>>
>>
>> If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap,
>> why didn't he just buy dinner?
>>
>>
>> If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
>> vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
>>
>>
>> If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from
>> morons?
>>
>>
>> Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
>> same tune?
>>
>> Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
>>
>>
>> Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets
>> mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out
>> the window
>>Subject: Fw: Nursery Rhymes for Big Kids
>> Mary had a little pig,
>> She kept it fat and plastered;
>> And when the price of pork went up,
>> She shot the little bastard.
>>
>>
>> MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
>> Her father shot it dead.
>> Now it goes to school with her,
>> Between two hunks of bread.
>>
>>
>> JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
>> To have a little fun.
>> Stupid Jill forgot the pill
>> And now they have a son.
>>
>>
>> SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
>> Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
>> "What have you got there?"
>> Said the Pie man unto Simon,
>> "Pies, you dumb ****"
>>
>>
>> HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
>> Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
>> All the kings' horses
>> And all the kings' men.
>> Had scrambled eggs,
>> For breakfast again.
>>
>>
>> HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
>> All over the bedside clock.
>> The little dog laughed to see such fun.
>>Then died of electric shock.
>>
>>
>> GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
>> Kissed the girls and made them cry.
>> And when the boys came out to play,
>> He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
>>
>>
>> There was a little girl who had a little curl
>>Right in the middle of her forehead.
>> When she was good, she was very, very good.
>> But when she was bad........
>> She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car
>> Mary had a little pig,
>> She kept it fat and plastered;
>> And when the price of pork went up,
>> She shot the little bastard.
>>
>>
>> MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
>> Her father shot it dead.
>> Now it goes to school with her,
>> Between two hunks of bread.
>>
>>
>> JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
>> To have a little fun.
>> Stupid Jill forgot the pill
>> And now they have a son.
>>
>>
>> SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
>> Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
>> "What have you got there?"
>> Said the Pie man unto Simon,
>> "Pies, you dumb ****"
>>
>>
>> HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
>> Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
>> All the kings' horses
>> And all the kings' men.
>> Had scrambled eggs,
>> For breakfast again.
>>
>>
>> HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
>> All over the bedside clock.
>> The little dog laughed to see such fun.
>>Then died of electric shock.
>>
>>
>> GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
>> Kissed the girls and made them cry.
>> And when the boys came out to play,
>> He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
>>
>>
>> There was a little girl who had a little curl
>>Right in the middle of her forehead.
>> When she was good, she was very, very good.
>> But when she was bad........
>> She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car
Subject: Fw: The Koala and the Little Lizard (PG)
The Koala and the Little Lizard
A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says
"Hey Koala ! what are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says
"Fucccccccccck dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
The Koala and the Little Lizard
A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says
"Hey Koala ! what are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says
"Fucccccccccck dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"
The train was quite crowded, so the U.S. soldier walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle aged French woman's poodle. The war weary marine asked, "Ma'am may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat!"
The marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am may I sit down? I am very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour.
Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "I say, Old Chap!
You Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing!
You hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road, and now, Sir, you have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!"
The marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am may I sit down? I am very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour.
Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "I say, Old Chap!
You Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing!
You hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road, and now, Sir, you have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!"
Think before you speak...
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
The last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
Immediately take the words back...
Or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
And asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
Who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
Passed by a store that sold a
Variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
My sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
My toddler decided to release
Some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
Her after receiving looks of disgust
And annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a
Voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped
What they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
Walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when
The door closed behind me,
Were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
And I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
In between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
So of course I checked
My seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny
Had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
And he said "No".
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an
Accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
Because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up,
Yanked down his pants,
Bent over,
Spread his cheeks
And yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
In the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
Turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
But half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
The last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
Immediately take the words back...
Or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow
And asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
He knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,
I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
Who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
Passed by a store that sold a
Variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case,
The boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day,
My sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
My toddler decided to release
Some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
Her after receiving looks of disgust
And annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
"right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a
Voice just as threatening,
"If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped
What they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and
Walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when
The door closed behind me,
Were screams of laughter.
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training
And I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
In between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
So of course I checked
My seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny
Had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
And he said "No".
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an
Accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,
Because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up,
Yanked down his pants,
Bent over,
Spread his cheeks
And yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better,
Thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
And a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
In the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that,
The day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
Turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set,
But half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the
husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as
she
sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand
she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since."
> My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on
>>celebrating that long?"
> ___________________
husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as
she
sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand
she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear
she hasn't been sober since."
> My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on
>>celebrating that long?"
> ___________________
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