Post Your Pretty Funny Stuff Here

[bygolly]

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:

"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".​

One week later, Canadian Dept. of Mines and Resources in Newfoundland reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in NE Canada, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing at all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Canada had already gone wireless."​

 

[ohmdiver]

A small boy gets lost in a Mall, and as he was told he sought out a Security guard and asked , Can you help me look for my Father?
The Security guard is more than happy to help and says " Sure, what's he like?"

The small boy thinks for a moment and answers "Boobs and beer."

 

[pidgiepoo]

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
'What's in bag?' asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine.
I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
'Good trade'...

 

[dmoore19]

The Last Nickel
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.

He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts
slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business
suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down,
neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat
and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's
testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel,
which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and
walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes
over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do
anything like that before; it was fantastic! Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. "I'm with the IRS".

 

[Rhone Man]

Once there was a barber in his barber shop, and he was chatting with his customers when the paperboy pulled up outside on his bicyle.

"Hey, here comes the paperboy," says the barber to his customers. "This kid is the stupidest kid in the entire world. Just watch this!"

The newspaper boy comes in, and puts the newspapers down. Just as he is turning to leave, the barber calls him over. Putting his hand in his pocket, the barber pulls out a quarter and a dollar bill.

"Kid," says the barber, "in one hand I've got a dollar, and in one hand I've got a quarter. You can have either one. Which one do you want?"

Without hesitating, the paperboy points to the hand holding the quarter. The barber gives the quarter to the boy, laughs and turns back to his work. The paperboy puts the quarter in his pocket and leaves.

Just then one of the customers gets up and goes outside, where he runs into the paperboy. "So kid," the customer says, "how come you picked the quarter?"

The paperboy shrugs. "If I ever pick the dollar, then he'll stop doing it."

 

[metaldector]

So an average guy dies and is sent to Hell. While he’s standing in line to be processed in, he notices that the devil once in a while pulls a sole aside and tosses it onto a small pile of other soles. Most soles the devil just throws directly into a burning pit. As the guy approaches the devil he asks, “A pardon me, your evilness, but why do you put some people over there, while most just go directly in the fire?”
The devil pauses and looks at him. “Those”, he says nodding towards the small pile, “are scuba divers. They need to dry out before I put them in the fire!”

 

[pidgiepoo]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

 

[pidgiepoo]

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.....
What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

 

[NE_Diver]

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said 'Here honey, try these on.'



So she did, and said, 'Well sweetie they're a little too big, I can't wear them.'



So I replied 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm...." says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So, on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill "Here babe, try these on."



She does and says "These are too large, they don't fit me."



Jack says "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you ever to forget that."



Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says "Here, you try on mine."



So he does and says, "I can't even get into your pants!"



And Jill says "Exactly. And if you don't change your f***ing attitude, you never will!"

 

[NE_Diver]

got most of these from another joke thread but just thought I would share some that I found funny.

BONUS QUESTION ON CHEMISTRY EXAM
> > >
> > > The following is supposedly an actual question given on a
> > > University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student
> > > was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via
> > > the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of
> > > enjoying it as well.
> > >
> > > Bonus Question:
> > >
> > > Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
> > > heat)?
> > >
> > > Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
> > > Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or
> > > some variant.
> > >
> > > One student, however, wrote the following:
> > >
> > > First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
> > > So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and
> > > the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume
> > > that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls
> > > are leaving.
> > >
> > > As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
> > > different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these
> > > religions state if you are not a member of their religion, you will go
> > > to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since
> > > people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that
> > > all souls go to Hell.
> > >
> > > With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
> > > of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate
> > > of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in
> > > order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
> > > volume of
> > > Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
> > >
> > >
> > > This gives two possibilities:
> > >
> > > 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
> > > souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressurein Hell will
> > > increase until all Hell breaks loose.
> > >
> > > 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of
> > > souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
> > > freezes over.
> > >
> > > So which is it?
> > >
> > > If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my
> > > Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with
> > > you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last
> > > night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure Hell is
> > > exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory
> > > is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not
> > > accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only
> > > Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains
> > > why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
> > >
> > > THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A