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[pidgiepoo]

"I have outlived my pecker."

The Penis Poem
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the f***in' thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!

 

[burna]

pidg'

That happens when you get married not when you get old!!!

To quote Charlie from Two & a Half Men saying to his brother...
"If you don't want sex anyone just tell her, there's no need to marry the girl!"

 

[pidgiepoo]

That happens when you get married not when you get old!!!

Maybe it's because you age faster when you get married !

 

[inventor]

The local channel 8 weatherman last night showed the coming week's weather. Including Thursday, December 1st. You know, the day after Wednesday, November 31st. And his first name is Tedd, with two d's. Reminds me of the old ALF show's Lloyd, pronounced, laloyd.

 

[pidgiepoo]

I Felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.
> He hypnotised 7 blokes then dropped the mike on his foot & said "F##k me".
> What happened next will haunt me forever!

 

[inventor]

Got a call on my cell phone today. You know how it shows the number calling you? The number was 3. That's it, just 3. How old is that phone? Marconi hand make it for you?

 

[santafejoe]

*WHAT A REAL WOMAN DOES*

A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and
never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and
comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live
without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his
deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man
in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible. . .





No wait...







Sorry...



I'm thinking of beer.
That's what beer does...

 

[WOODMAN]

Three ministers were talking together about problems they had with their churches, and they discovered that they all had difficulties with bats infesting the roofs of their buildings. The first one said "I tried a shotgun on them, but I only got a few, and ended up with holes in my roof!" The second one said "I tried live trapping them, and then drove them waaay out in the country and let them go. Unfortunately, they were back in my roof before I could even return." The third minister said "Brothers, I believe I have found the solution!" The others clamored for him to reveal the method, and he said "It was easy. I simply baptized and confirmed them, and I haven't seen hide nor hair of them since."

 

[pidgiepoo]

A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself:

"May I buy you a cocktail?"

"No thank you," Maxine replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."

"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

"No, they spread."

 

[pidgiepoo]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not
produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which
stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked,
the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot
of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk
all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he
accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of
little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the
broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the
broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the
door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
stick it?'



And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.